Daughters Reveal The 7 Things Their Moms Did Right That Made Them Super Close As Adults
Fostering a healthy, close, and supportive relationship with your kids starts the moment they’re born.
Ground Picture / Shutterstock.com Especially today, when so many adult children are now distancing themselves from their parents, it can be difficult to truly grasp the best way to cultivate a healthy parenting dynamic. Why are some people so close with their parents as adults, while others have gone completely “no contact?”
It’s the question creator and mother @cree.robinson posed in a recent TikTok: What do mothers who have close relationships with their adult daughters do differently from those who don’t? What can she do better now, with her twin girls, to ensure a close relationship down the road?
Thousands of women have flooded to the comments and stitched her video, drawing from their own experiences and reflecting on the joyous bonds they have with their mothers as adults.
Here are the 7 things daughters say their moms did right that made them close as adults:
1. She was non-judgmental, even in difficult moments
As someone with a “ridiculously close” relationship with her mother, Tanita on TikTok got candid about the way her childhood set their dynamic as adults up for success. From the most difficult moments battling cancer to arguments during the teen years, she said her mother has always thoughtfully supported her without conditions.
“My mom is the least judgmental person I’ve ever met,” Tanita said. “Her motto is ‘Just let people be happy.’ I’ve always known, throughout my life, that I can go to my mom, and she will always be there; she won’t judge me, and she’ll let me be unapologetically myself.”
While many adult women struggle with low self-esteem, Tanika said she’s grown confident under the guidance of her mother, who not only supported her, but celebrated her in crafting a unique identity as a kid.
From her style to her compassion for others, she’s been guided by her mother’s love. “She is, without a doubt, my number one fan.”
2. She provided a safe, trusting, and open relationship
Even in the most difficult moments, after the most tumultuous teenage-fueled fights, and at the end of exhausting days, many adult women reflect on their mother’s dedication to crafting a supportive space. Whether it was to vent their problems, speak their minds, or simply express themselves. Their relationships with their mothers were safe and secure.
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They were free to be themselves without judgment. They could fight, argue, and bicker without worrying about the security of their relationships with their mothers. They could live their lives boldly, knowing they had a safe, comfortable, and trusting space to come home to.
3. She didn't try to be friends in childhood
Romance author Lilian T. James said her mom's decision to be a parent, not a friend, during her formative years helped to bring them closer later in life.
“My mother did not care if I liked her,” she said. “My mother sacrificed being liked by me as I grew up to help raise me to be a person who deserved her friendship when I was old enough to become friends.”
“She let me think she was the worst person in the world if it meant that I was safe, loved, and supported … If I messed up, and I did a lot, she made me accept the consequences, but she also made sure that I understood why I had those consequences. She supported my feelings and emotions about it without taking away the lesson.”
Even after getting pregnant at 16, her mother respected her choice to keep her baby, acknowledging that it was her body and her choice to make that decision. “She helped me make a plan of the responsibilities that I needed to take on.”
So, while she wasn’t necessarily “a friend” to her daughter growing up, she was a successful parent and that made them close friends as adults.
4. She saw me as a whole person, even as a child
“A lot of people talk about having kids, but what they often forget is that you’re raising an adult,” daughter and creator Jess explained in a stitched video. “If you treat your child a certain way when they’re growing up, when they’re an adult, they’re going to remember that.”
“If you yell at them, if you hit them, disrespect them, manipulate them … when they grow up, they’re either going to, unfortunately, repeat that pattern or heal and realize how messed up it was that they were treated a certain way.”
After having a child of her own, Jess said she’s been reflecting a lot on her own relationship with her mother. “I’m not just treating him like a kid like he knows nothing … if you’re close with your child when they’re young, that creates closeness as an adult.”
That doesn’t mean sacrificing parenting decisions for the sake of “friendship,” but rather having open conversations and honest discussions about their needs, wants, and feelings. It means being there for them in the most difficult moments as a strong figure of love, compassion, and support.
As her mom did for her, Jess tries to treat her son as a “whole person” — being there to support him, hear him out, and love him for all of his curious quirks and interests.
5. She provided an ‘open-door policy’ for honest discussions without fear of repercussions
Daughter Juliette on TikTok suggested “open-door policies” for vulnerable discussions helped cultivate a healthy relationship with her mother — from her teenage years into adulthood.
“We had this ‘open-door policy’ where once a month, we’d get together, sit, and talk about anything … she couldn’t get mad,” she said. “We used to go back and forth a lot, but we also had this rule where we had to say ‘I love you’ before going to bed.”
These discussions created a safe space to talk about sensitive topics. Now that they live on different continents, it helps them maintain their relationships as adults by allowing them to call each other, talk through problems, and offer support through conversation.
“We enforce our boundaries with each other,” Juliette added, “and it’s like, ‘I’m uncomfortable, here’s what I need.’ Instead of saying, ‘This is what I need to do,’ it’s ‘What do you need from me?’ Because sometimes, we just need someone to listen.”
6. She made honesty a priority
“She was always honest with me,” @the_versachi on TikTok said of her mother, “and I know it seems like something so small, but her being honest in moments that required vulnerability from me being curious … that has allowed me to feel comfortable with her in old age.”
No matter how trivial or uncomfortable the questions were, her mother never made her feel embarrassed for being curious. Instead, she answered questions honestly and fostered healthy discussions around topics that others would shy away from.
As an adult, she continued feeling comfortable discussing things with her mother. Her mother was her safe space, her venting person, and the one person she knew would always be honest with her.
7. She was always there
While it might be annoying during the teenage years, a mother's unwavering love and support create a foundation for a close adult relationship, even for daughters who constantly fought with their mothers throughout their childhood, like Sarah Biggers-Stewart.
For many daughters, teenagers specifically, arguments with their mothers are a testament to the strength of their bond. A teen girl will lash out without fear of ruining that bond.
There's no such thing as a perfect parent, but leading with love and respect goes a long way, and once in a while, it's important to celebrate the beauty of a healthy parent-child bond.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.