If You Did These 6 Basic Things Right, You Were A Better Parent Than Your Kids Think You Were
Good parents get a few basic things right.
Getty Images | Unsplash How can a parent ever know they did well raising a kid? So much media is focused on all the things parents can do wrong and the negative results the children will experience. We can easily list the impact of an adverse childhood because they are usually obvious: struggles with trauma, inability to maintain relationships, rage issues, and the list just grows from there.
Yet, the indications you were a better parent than your kids think you were can be a lot more subtle when trying to identify because it comes to down to getting a few basic things right.
If you did these things, you were a better parent than your kids think you were:
1. You showed affection
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To give hugs, kisses, and cuddles is something that needs to start with a newborn baby and continue throughout childhood, advises Psychologist Sheryl Ziegler. Physical touch helps babies thrive and grow, and it does the same for older kids and their self-esteem and confidence. It's also another way to express emotion, which is great modeling for your child.
To show a child that holding hands, rubbing their back, and sitting close to one another is another way to express interest and love is a beautiful lesson in communication and self-expression. This good feeling that comes from a parent’s warmth and touch (at any age) elicits the release of oxytocin (the love hormone) from a child.
This appears to have a positive, long-term effect on the developing child’s overall happiness, including decreased anxiety and increased mental wellness.
2. You let them struggle before stepping in
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Counselor Larry Michel knows that parents who didn’t rush in to fix every problem — whether it was a failed test, a lost sports game, or a friendship struggle — were teaching how to navigate life’s challenges.
It’s easy to assume a “better” parent would have done more, but in reality, letting kids learn to solve problems on their own builds independence and confidence.
3. You made loving sacrifices
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When parents sacrifice their own needs for their children's, we rarely know about it until we become much much older and look back on a situation, points out marriage coach Susan Allan.
Whether the parent is sacrificing where they go on vacation or sacrificing and staying in a job, they may not love it because it is in the right location for their children's school, etc. These are the sacrifices of a loving parent.
4. You exemplified how to make good choices
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Psychotherapist Lianne Avila has observed how children are always being told what to do. This makes them feel like they can never make a choice for themselves, so try and create opportunities for them to make choices of their own.
For example, let your child decide what to eat, or have for dinner (within reason.) Let them pick out their clothes for school, even if it's not what you would choose.
Give them options for activities, such as letting them decide if they would like to go to the park after school or watch a movie at home. This will help your child feel empowered and build confidence.
5. You modeled financial literacy
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Learning sound money management in childhood can create a foundation for lifelong financial stability, recommends therapist Gloria Brame. While some parents may fall short in meeting emotional needs, teaching kids fiscal responsibility — saving habits, timely bill payment, and a strong work ethic — provides their children with crucial life advantages. As adults face mounting bills and complex financial decisions over time, those early lessons in money management may become indispensable.
Financial literacy remains surprisingly rare, making it an especially valuable parental gift. Those who enter adulthood equipped with these skills can navigate financial challenges more effectively than peers who were never prepared to wisely manage their money. Financial literacy is a valid parental legacy.
6. You took the time to explain why they were being punished
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Susan Allan adds that while the easiest way to become the favorite child is to do what parents want, the cost is best described by countless adults who did what they describe as “selling their souls for a parent’s smile”. As adults, they will please their partners even when some of the behaviors cause emotional and even physical suffering.
Punitive educational systems lead to punitive parents and authoritarian government leadership while respect for individuality has been proven to create self-respect, respect for others, and democracy.
Explaining to your kids why they were being punished keeps them from pursuing the favorite child role while teaching the difference between obedience and respect.
Good parenting is about showing up, being present, and creating a mindspace for children where exploration and learning is possible with just enough guidance and boundaries to let the child experience the fascination of discovery without the frustration of figuring out where to begin.
Good parents give the gentle nudge in the right direction and remain available for when they are needed.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.