If You Grew Up In A Dysfunctional Family, These 7 Relationship Struggles Might Feel Way Too Familiar
Your parent's love life could be affecting yours.
Africa images | Canva You're a catch. You pay your bills on time, you have no unsightly facial hairs, and are sensitive enough to feel mushy around dogs and babies. If one or more of the above is not true, no need to read further. You probably have some work to do on yourself.
I meet a lot of clients who are seemingly stellar, yet they have the same old story: We started things very quickly and ended things just as quickly... I'm always single... I'm always the dumper or dumpee... none of the dudes/chicks on eHarmony ever follow up with me... I always meet men/women who are unavailable/uninterested/live in another state.
Whatever your pattern, everyone has them. The tricky part is, most of our patterns are out of our control, so even my most seemingly aware clients fall into these traps. The majority of our patterning operates on family dynamics that have nothing to do with us. Yes, you heard me correctly: you could blame mom and dad and your dysfunctional family for your spinster/bachelorhood.
You see, we navigate life partly from our own experiences, but largely from the experiences of our parents, aunts/uncles, siblings, and grandparents before us. We are "pulled" to follow them and their fates, and additionally, we repeat a lot of what they did out of love and loyalty.
There are literally dozens and dozens of family dynamics that can affect you romantically, and I've outlined seven of them for you, as well as relationship advice to move past it.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, these 7 relationship struggles might feel way too familiar
1. Your mother and father got divorced
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Obviously, this dynamic sets you up for a split in a way that children of parents who stayed together don't. Additionally, when our parents' divorce, we often consciously ally with one parent and subconsciously ally with the other, creating a messy cocktail of entanglements that leave very little room for our own romance.
2. Your mother or father had an ex-spouse before each other, and it didn't end well
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Energetically, we can feel guilty towards an ex-spouse of a parent that was not treated fairly, especially if there were children involved from that marriage, and overly identify ourselves in that situation.
While parental divorce and high-conflict separations are indeed associated with increased mental health challenges and behavioral difficulties in children, it's not automatically a sign of a dysfunctional family. A 2022 study found that while parental divorce can create significant stress and disrupt family dynamics, the experience itself doesn't inherently make a family dysfunctional.
3. Your mother or father had true love before each other that never came to fruition
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If your parents had a true love that never made it off the ground, we erroneously think "who are we to have that?" Additionally, we can identify with the ex-lover and make for an interesting dynamic with our parents that is not very romance-friendly.
4. Your mother or father is now single (or your sibling, friends, and other relatives)
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We desperately want to belong to a tribe. If they are single, what the heck are they going to think of us if we find true love? Will they accept us? Will they kick us out of the tribe? Will we feel guilty for having a warm and fuzzy relationship when they cannot?
Dysfunctional families can create unhealthy relational patterns that impact an individual's ability to form healthy relationships later in life. Some signs of a dysfunctional family include poor communication, emotional neglect, lack of empathy, rigid roles, and control issues. However, a 2014 study explained that it's essential to recognize that other factors influence relationship status. For instance, individual preferences, societal pressures, and personal experiences can affect whether someone chooses to be single or in a relationship.
5. You have a sibling or relative that died young and tragically
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We tend not to want to surpass our parents and our siblings. If a sibling was denied the ability to get married (for whatever reason), we will often shy away from having what they did not have the opportunity to have.
6. Your mother did not respect your father or vice-versa
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We learn from our same-gender parents how to turn fully into a partner. If it was not shown at home, it is hard to replicate that.
Research indicates that a lack of respect between parents can significantly indicate a dysfunctional family dynamic. This lack of respect can manifest in various ways, including verbal abuse, criticism, disrespect, or an overall lack of emotional connection between parents. When parents struggle to respect each other, it can create a hostile and unstable environment for children, impacting their emotional and psychological development.
7. Your mother or father relied way too much on you to be their "partner," best friend, or confidant
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When you are your mom's gal pal or your dad's therapist, you are overstepping boundaries that leave very little space for your own partner to come in.
Time to just be your parents' child so you can have space for your own romantic life. Don't let a dysfunctional family and family dynamics of the past affect your current life and future.
We honor our family members when we are able to disentangle ourselves from their patterns, stop following them in that way, and live a life that is richer, fuller, and more fulfilled. And that means having a loving relationship.
Natalie Berthold is a Health and Wellness Coach, Facilitator of healing, Teacher, Family Constellation Therapist, and Reiki Master.
