4 Simple Ways To Ensure Your Kids Will Never Feel Emotionally Neglected
You can be the parent you always wish you'd had.
Monkey Business Images | Canva “Stop crying and put your shoes on like I told you to do ten minutes ago!” Will yelled at his 6-year-old son, Billy. But, as the words came out of his mouth somewhere in the back of his mind he felt uneasy. Part of him heard his emotionally neglectful father’s voice yelling those same words at him, three decades ago.
Whether we like it or not, we all carry the voices of our parents within us. The way our fathers and mothers spoke to us when we were growing up has a way of embedding itself in our brains. We may talk to ourselves this way, inside our heads, for decades, but never once hear ourselves speak it to another.
Until we become parents. Then, we find ourselves playing the part of our parents, while also feeling the emotions of our child. It can be a painful place to be — especially if being a good parent is an important goal.
- Get over it.
- Don’t be a baby.
- Stop crying.
- Go to your room until you can simmer down.
- You’re quite a drama queen.
If you hear yourself ignoring or discounting the emotions of your child in this way, you are most likely repeating exactly what was done to you. We, as humans, do not know that our feelings or the feelings of our children matter unless our parents taught us.
Today, because of advances in the fields of psychology, medicine, and neuroscience, it’s clear that there are particular ways that we parents can respond to our children’s feelings that will set them up for a happy and healthy adulthood. But alas, many of us don’t yet know those particular ways. It’s not our fault. It just is. You need to get back on track and be more aware of how you're speaking to your child.
Four simple steps for raising kids who never feel emotionally neglected
1. Notice
Instead of responding to your child’s behavior, identify what they are feeling, and put it into words for them.
2. Validate
Help your child understand that they are having this feeling for a reason and that it makes sense to you.
3. Empathize
Try to feel your child’s feelings from their perspective. This will give you a moment of connection that has incredible value for your relationship.
4. Teach
Help your child learn what to do with their variety of emotions. Set limits if needed in the situation.
Simona Pilolla 2 via Shutterstock
To see how the Feeling Formula for parents works, let’s check in on Will and Billy again:
On this morning, Will is prepared. It is several days later, and Billy is again crying instead of putting on his shoes. Despite his worry that they would be late for school, Will sits down next to Billy and says, “What’s going on, Bud? Why are you upset this morning?
“I hate these shoes! Mommy said she was going to get me some new ones but she hasn’t!” Billy yells while throwing one of his shoes across the room to land on the floor of his closet.
Will considers this for a moment and knows he must supply Billy with a label for what his feeling. “Are you angry at Mommy for not buying you new shoes?”
“Where is she? I want new shoes!” Billy says, but his yell is trailing into a sad tone.
“I know you’re upset about the shoes. You are starting to outgrow them, I know. But I think you’re missing Mommy a little bit, too. She’s been gone for three whole days and I miss her too!”
At this point, experiencing empathy from his father, Billy sobs, “When’s she coming back?”
“Tomorrow,” Will explains in a soothing voice. “Then, we’re all going to have pizza and stop by the shoe store together. Can you get through one more day with these silly old shoes?” As he says this, he dabs at the tears on Billy’s cheeks.
Billy nods yes, much calmer now (because he feels emotionally understood and validated). “OK, please go pick up the shoe you threw into the closet. As you know, we do not throw things when we are angry. Instead, we talk. Right?
As Billy walks toward the closet to pick up his shoe, he nods in agreement. Will gets Billy to school three minutes past the bell, and in his mind, it was well worth it.
In this scene, Will has used all four parts of the "feeling formula."
He noticed Billy’s feelings, put them into words for him, validated what Billy was feeling (anger about the shoes was mostly about missing his mother), empathized with him, and set a limit. He reminded Billy of the house rule, “We talk when we are angry. We do not throw things.” Having Billy retrieve his shoe is a powerful, non-punitive limit to remind Billy about the rules.
How did Will know this feeling formula? He was driven to research and learn by his deep feeling of unease about how he was talking to his son.
As Will practices the feeling formula, day after day for Billy’s sake, he finds himself automatically noticing, validating, and working with his emotions differently, too. In this way, Will is not only growing and maturing as a parent, but he is also naturally growing and maturing emotionally as a person.
In addition, he is doing one other important thing. He is stopping the automatic transfer of the voices of emotional neglect he grew up with down to his children. When Billy grows up and has children of his own, the feeling formula will be so much a part of his coping and emotional skills that he will naturally transfer them to his children.
On and on the pattern goes. Begun by Will, continued by Billy, and moving forward through generation after generation.
In his own seemingly small and quiet but ultimately momentous way, by working at being a good parent, Will has not only changed himself, but he has also changed the future,
Jonice Webb, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and best-selling author of two self-help books. She specializes in childhood emotional neglect, relationships, communication issues, and mental health. Dr. Webb has appeared on CBS News and NPR, and her work has been cited by many publications.