5 Relationship Situations That Are A Waste Of Your Valuable Time
Don't waste years of life on someone who isn't ready for your love.
Nicolas Menijes | Canva The chemistry between you is great, but you don't want the same type of relationship, is that a dealbreaker? Is a breakup in order over this? The short answer is "yes."
Why? Because any time you're with someone who wants a different type of relationship than you do, you are on the road to regret and heartbreak.
You end up wasting precious months — or years — in a situation that was never going anywhere from day one. You end up feeling hurt, sad, and disappointed, even though the signs were there the entire time.
So, if a committed relationship is your ultimate goal and you're in one of these 5 scenarios, it's probably time to break up with them.
Here are 5 relationship situations that are a waste of your valuable time
1. They are your hookup buddy
When you're just hooking up, the chances of this kind of arrangement turning into anything more are slim to none. Guys in this "no strings attached" scenario don't take the relationship — or you — seriously.
This arrangement keeps you both involved from a distance so neither of you ever shows true vulnerability. As a result, no real or lasting emotional intimacy takes hold.
The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology showed that committed relationships and marriages require real intimacy, which can't be built on a shallow connection. Sure, hanging out and hooking up is fun and comfortable. But the more you do it, the more difficult real dating becomes.
Dating requires openness and increased feelings of being vulnerable and exposed. It's about having a connection at different levels and being seen for who you are. The more you practice, the easier it becomes. So do more of it!
If lasting love is what you seek, leave Mr. Hookup guy behind and start dating other people.
2. Their chemistry distracts you
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When you first meet a guy and like him, don't get caught up in the chemistry, his good looks, or his smooth-talking ways.
If he's saying the right things and you're not sure he means what he says, take time to learn whether you share core values, what his outlook on life is, how compatible you are, and the kind of relationship he is looking for.
Don't let him or steamy chemistry talk you into being intimate too soon.
Set the pace by letting him woo you. In doing so, you learn his true intentions — if he's looking for a commitment or marriage, if he wants to date others, or if he's just trying to get into your pants.
Notice how you feel when you're with him and when you're apart. If he's the right guy, you'll feel good about yourself and who he is.
Never talk yourself into remaining with him because he "seems" like a good catch.
3. It's a hot-and-cold love affair
On-again, off-again relationships are both fun and deeply frustrating, which is why most of them don't end in commitment or marriage — they just end.
Stop thinking you're the exception. You'll just waste even more of your precious time.
If your on-again, off-again guy contacts you and wants to get together, politely decline, even if you don't have other plans.
Counselor Ruth Schimel described her on-again-off-again relationship, "His emotional inaccessibility and our on-and-off relationship bumped along for years. It continued to rekindle, in part by our far-ranging but overlapping interests, his as a journalist and mine as a diplomat, eight years younger. The relationship eventually petered out, due in part to my hesitancy to discuss and confront lingering issues and his avoidance."
You might wonder, "What’s the harm?" Well, attracting the love you want requires clarity in your thoughts, behaviors, and actions.
So, when you send mixed signals to the Universe, a higher power, or God, you find yourself in the type of relationship you don't want over and over again.
4. Their words and actions don't match
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Congratulations, you've finally progressed from dating to being exclusive. Great, but continue watching what he says and does.
If he tells you what you want to hear to keep you around but his actions don't back up his promises, dare to see things for what they are.
Don't make excuses for him and don't pursue him when you don't hear from him. If a guy is really into you, you'll hear from him, no matter what is going on in his life.
If he tells you he isn't looking for a commitment, believe him! Stop hoping he'll change his mind once he realizes how wonderful you are. And don't bend over backward or compromise who you are trying to make him like you more.
It's hard to detach yourself from a guy you like, but it's far easier when you haven't invested a ton of time and effort into a connection that's going nowhere, as explored by research in PLOS One Journal.
Leave this relationship now and free your energy up to meet a guy who genuinely wants what you want.
5. They aren't willing to commit
You've been in an exclusive relationship for a long time (maybe even a few years). Some couples are entirely OK with this. If the guy you love has no interest in marriage but does want to spend his life with you, there are other factors to help decide if you should stay or end it.
For example, whether you want to have children and raise them in a traditional household. Or, whether you have a deep desire to experience marriage and all that comes with it.
It's OK if you decide being with him is more important than the official "I do" commitment. However, if you want to get married, don't let him talk you out of that dream.
Marriage might be "just a piece of paper" to him, but, in truth, it does represent a deeper level of commitment. Both people are more invested and, when sticky situations come up, there is more incentive to work things out.
Janet Ong Zimmerman is a dating and relationship coach and the founder of Love for Successful Women. She helps successful women find the love they desire.