If You Answer Yes To These 10 Questions, You're Infatuated — Not In Love, Says Psychology
It can be a challenge to differentiate between obsession, infatuation, or love.
Dean Drobot | Canva What is infatuation? Infatuation is like an innocent fantasy we imagine to be love. It's when we're in love with the idea of love. Don't let your eyes cloud your vision of love.
Are you infatuated or in love? To recognize the difference between infatuation and. love, consider the following questions. If you answer "yes," you're prone to infatuation.
Here are 10 questions if you answer yes, you're infatuated — not in love, says psychology:
1. Do you focus on external qualities?
For example, their looks, how much money they make, their job, the car they drive, the house they live in, etc. These are materialistic qualities without a direct link to love.
Infatuation causes us to pay more attention to a person's superficial physical characteristics and less attention to their inner, deeper qualities. Almost all women have been or will be infatuated, confusing this with love or a deep like.
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2. Do you become consumed by thoughts of them?
This habit starts at a young age with "puppy love" or a crush on someone and can continue into adulthood. Research from Frontiers in Psychology demonstrates how infatuation tends to happen when we're not in tune with reality.
3. Do you center your life around them by making them your priority?
Making a spouse your priority in a marriage to help resolve long-term marital issues is good. Making a new love your only priority is not a healthy start, as suggested by a review of literature from the Archives of Sexual Behavior.
4. Do you believe what they say when your intuition tells you otherwise?
Research from Psychology Research and Behavior Management explains how your intuition is there for a good reason: survival. Don't ignore it without considering why your gut feels something is not OK.
5. Is there a superficial connection?
Surface connection could be the start of love in development, but if there is nothing deeper, this is not love.
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6. Are you unable to see any flaws in them?
We see what we want to see in them and hear what we want to hear. We read more into what they say and do when their words, behaviors, and actions speak otherwise.
No one is perfect, and there is no single definition of a perfect relationship, as explored by The Gottman Institute. If you think they are, it is time for a reality check.
7. Do you sit by the phone, waiting for their call?
Pining on his whim and willing away the hours waiting for him to reach out to you sounds like you are putting all your eggs (hopes) in one basket (him). The Philosophy, Psychiatry, & Psychology Journal suggests this is more of an obsession than love.
8. Do you pay for a lot of their meals and activities?
Splitting the tab, OK. You pay sometimes, and they pay other times, also OK. Are you always footing the bill, not OK. This is not balanced and could be a bad sign.
9. Are you spending time where you think they may be, hoping to run into them?
The Behavioral Sciences & the Law Journal helps demonstrate how stalking behavior is one more example of infatuation and obsession. This is obsessive behavior, not pursuing love.
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10. Are you their other option or afterthought?
Love means you are not just an option. You don't want to be the only priority, the same as you don't want to make them your only priority. However, in love, both people need to make sure the other person knows they are important and not something they consider after the day is done, as explained in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Infatuation is fleeting and less fulfilling. If your relationship is based on infatuation, you'll compromise who you are, neglect what's important to you, and never feel like a priority in your life. You build up this fantasy of someone, which is going to lead to a lot of disappointment.
Being disappointed and discouraged when relationships based on infatuation don’t work out is understandable. Realize there are always good lessons to be learned from these types of relationships.
The overarching lesson is to let your heart choose who to love instead of letting your eyes choose.
Here's how to know if your relationship is based on real love: You bring out the best in each other. You're happier than not. They treat you with love and respect. Your life is better because they are in it. There is no doubt — you just know they are the right person for you.
Janet Ong Zimmerman is a dating and relationship coach, the founder of Love for Successful Women, and the creator of the Woo Course: 9 Juicy Ways to Bring Out a Man's Desire to Woo You. She helps successful women find the love they desire.