7 Things Divorced Parents Do That Turn Their Kids Into Pawns For Revenge
It doesn't have to be calculated to be manipulation.
T Turovska | Canva I should probably tell you first that I am divorced from a man who is a fantastic father. Our divorce was an amicable one, but through this process, I've seen too many parents turn their kids into pawns to get revenge on their exes. Often, they don't even realize they're doing it.
Despite how tough divorce can be, my ex and I still make our daughter and her well-being our sole focus. Do we always get along? No, but we try to work together as best we can. Having a peaceful divorce doesn't mean there's never any tension. It just means we keep our child at the center of our choices.
Sadly, not everyone does this. Some people waste their lives trying to sabotage their exes' lives, out of revenge for the way in which they've been hurt. This only hurts the children in the long run and gives these jerks bad karma for their hurtful actions.
Seven ways divorced parents turn kids into pawns, often without realizing it
1. They blame the kids' mother or father by using the word "your" with disdain
Parents who like to use their kids as pawns in the (unfortunately) popular game of divorce like to say things to their children like, "Oh your mother said that, did she?" Or, "Your father never does X or Y."
That nasty little possessive pronoun "your" seethes with anger and every time you let a sentence like the two above rip, your child is full of resentment and guilt — that's their parent you're talking about!
When you say the word "your," all that hate and animosity is put onto your child because it's a possessive pronoun, friends! That's right! When you say "Your mother/father messed up again," your child is taking on your anger at your ex as if it's their fault.
Watch what you say about your ex. Not only are you damaging your children's self-esteem and stability, but you're also jeopardizing your relationship with your child down the line, as supported by evidence cited in a review in The Journal of the American Board of Family Practice.
2. They trash-talk their ex in front of the kids
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I don't care if your ex is a deadbeat parent, keep quiet about the deadbeat in front of your kids. Sitting around and listing everything your ex does wrong just so your child can get your ever-so-subtle hint their parent sucks is using your kid as a messenger to deliver this sweet note: "Guess what, ex? You suck!"
Let your child figure out on their own that a parent is a deadbeat! Don't complain to your children, they're not your therapists. They're kids, so let them be children. Remember, even if you want revenge on your ex, it's only coming out toward you child.
Life and relationship coach Ann Papayoti explained, "Children of divorce want their parents to communicate respectfully. They want their parents to be adults, manage emotions, and behave responsibly. Children of divorce want their parents to stop fighting and criticizing one another in front of them. They are expected to express their feelings appropriately while relating and connecting to others. Is this too much to ask of their parents? Parents are the greatest teachers, and same-sex parents are their most influential ones."
3. They squash all attempts for their ex to spend time with the kids
Let me guess: Tonight was Dad's night, but something suddenly came up for you and your kids. And now your ex can't see your kids on his night. Let me also guess: That was complete hogwash.
I say "his" because more often than not, but not always, the mother has more custody time than the father. (Of course, there are exceptions to this rule.)
If you're angry at your ex for cheating/leaving/hurting you or anything under the sun, you have every right to be hurt and angry. Go ahead and lick your wounds but do not let your bad feelings keep your kids from having a relationship with the other parent.
You think you're getting one over on your ex, but the only one who is truly hurt in this vindictive process is your children.
4. They use the children as messengers
Do you ever tell your children, "Tell your mother/father X," because you don't want to talk to that evil woman/man? News flash: your child is not a United States Postal Worker! Unless he or she has on the uniform and hat, you better deliver the news to your ex yourself.
No child should be a go-between. I don't care if your kid is twenty years old and able to see through both your dramatics and fabrications, tell your ex yourself. If communication is that bad, just send a text or email to avoid confrontation.
But whatever you do, don't make your children the messengers. That's tacky and childish.
5. They outright sabotage their ex to make themselves look better
If you've ever felt tempted to just slightly or not-so-slightly do something to make problems for your ex so that way you look like Mom or Dad of the Year, guess who deserves their parental privileges revoked? You!
It's not a competition. No one gets an award for making the most money and giving the most gifts. Doing things that could hurt your ex with the sole intention of looking like the better parent, or simply to enjoy watching your ex struggle, makes YOU the deadbeat.
Look, I know that sometimes our exes aren't nice — and for some people, an ex can be a toxic and awful person — but wasting your precious energy attempting to make things stressful for your ex or appear like the "World's Best Parent" will only end up ruining your kids.
You will teach them how to destroy others, be sneaky, downplay and degrade another person's self-esteem, and do other terrible things. Is that what you want for your kids? The answer better be no.
6. They complain and moan to their kids about their ex
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Even if your ex deserves to be flogged with stones, you shouldn't spend your time sniffling and moaning to your kids about how your ex makes your life worse. Pulling out the crying act and explaining to your kids, "Your mom or dad is the reason I am so upset/broke/etc.," is toxic for them, even if your ex is hurtful.
Break out the tissues and heartache with your friends, not with your kids. Do you want your child to grow up comforting you forever or being your therapist? No. They're children! Manage your emotions on your own, and not through them, as shown by an article in the Journal of Child Custody.
Your kids don't need to know the reason you're not going to Disneyland this year is because Daddy didn't pay his child support and alimony this month, or because Mommy is shopping her money away. Sure, they can know finances are hard and out of your control but keep the details to a minimum.
7. They compare their children when they show similar behavior to their ex
You hate your ex, so sometimes when any of your children act like your ex, you remind them by saying, "Oh you're just like your dad/mom!" Your kids know this isn't a loving compliment, but rather, a little shout-out saying, "You are terrible just like my ex."
Your son might tend to chew on his pens like your ex, but you don't need to call attention to that. How would you like it if someone told you you reminded them of someone they didn't like?
So, what's the bottom line? I am blessed to have an ex who loves being a dad. Even though we argue sometimes and get mad at each other, he is a good person and we move forward.
I know many people do not have this blessing, but still — keep your stuff together and forge ahead. You deserve happiness and positivity in your life, and getting bogged down by a bad ex is not healthy for you or your kids.
Laura Lifshitz writes about divorce, relationships, parenting, and marriage for YourTango, The New York Times, Women’s Health, Working Mother, and Pop Sugar.