Women Who Stay Best Friends After One Has A Baby Do These 10 Things To Support Each Other
Life gets more complicated, but your friendship doesn't have to.
PeopleImages.com by Yuri A via Shutterstock Your friend just had a baby — and everything feels different. You're excited and maybe even a little overwhelmed by the changes in her life (and your friendship). She's busier than ever, and you're not sure how to help without overstepping. You might feel lost, unsure what to say or do, or even worried that your own life isn't on track.
But here's the truth: she might not even know what she needs right now. In your desire to support her through this new chapter, here are ten things you can do—and three things you should avoid—to keep your friendship strong and helpful.
Women who stay BFFs — even after one of them has a baby — do these 10 things to support each other:
1. Bring her food and snacks.
Offer to grab a pizza on your way over or ask if she wants anything in particular. It’s hard to get out of the house with a baby, so swinging by with some one-handed food: granola bars, apples, plenty of water — is very appreciated. Bring over a bag of groceries and stock her cabinets if you’re feeling extra generous. Also: A fruit (and chocolate?) basket is way more useful and appreciated than more flowers.
2. Run last-minute errands for her.
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Jumbo maxi pads? Nip cream? Diapers? Be direct: “Hey I’m at the grocery store/CVS/the mall right now, what do you need?”
3. Surprise her with a gift just for her (not her baby).
A favorite candy, a DVD, a new magazine. You could be a real superstar and sign her up for a monthly subscription she'll love. But don't feel weird if you can't show up with gifts in hand. Money is tight; she gets it.
4. Plan to go on a walk with her.
She’ll want to get out of the house and get some fresh air and it will give you time to catch up while the baby is harnessed down and (hopefully) napping.
5. Offer a helping hand on errands.
Sure you might not be getting mani/pedis or going out for margaritas like the olden days, but you can accompany her to Target and be an extra set of hands.
6. Work around her schedule.
Understand that this is a very short, very demanding, very exhausting time period that she’s in. She’s in pain, she’s hormonal, she’s literally never been this tired in her life. Go easy on her. It won't always be this difficult.
7. Give her a self-care break.
Offer to watch her baby while she takes a shower. Maybe even encourage her to straighten her hair and put on some lipstick. She’ll feel like a new woman.
8. Capture the candid moments.
(Like you weren’t going to do that, anyway.) She'll deeply appreciate having those moments captured. And if you can print them out or make a little digital book for her? Well, A+ for you, friend.
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9. Embrace the evolution of your friendship.
This phase will not last forever, and before you know it, you’ll see your old friend emerge from the hazy fog of new motherhood. Or maybe you won’t. Maybe you’ll both change in your unique ways, and your schedules will keep conflicting, and your time together will diminish. That happens as we get older. But if she’s important to you, you'll find a way back to each other.
10. Keep the connection alive.
Even if you’re states away or just super swamped with your own newly grown-up life, a little text every now and then will brighten her mood. No need to put pressure on her to respond or to make plans. Just be there for her, and know that no matter how glowing her Instagram feed is or how blissed-out she seems on Facebook, it's difficult to be a new mom. Lonely, isolating, exhausting, confusing. She could really use a friend.
And now for the DON'Ts.
1. Don't take it personally.
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It's not that your friendship isn't important to her or that your problems aren't important ... it's just really overwhelming to juggle this brand new life of hers with all of the responsibilities and expectations and priority-shifting going on. She might not want to do the same things she used to — and that's okay.
Maybe you think she's totally annoying because all she talks about is her baby and how amazing being a mother is, and you're feeling a little left out. It's okay to feel that way, too. Be honest when she says something hurtful or insensitive. But try not to take it personally.
2. Don't brag about your child-free life.
Don't go on and on about the wild parties she's missing or humblebrag about your oh-so-free life. No matter how much she loves being a mommy, it's hard to hear about the familiar world she's missing out on. And if you're doing it to counterbalance her endless talk of poop (to answer your earlier question, yes, that's normal), don't be passive-aggressive, either.
3. Don't give unsolicited advice or stress her out with the "what ifs" and "if onlys".
She gets enough of that from her family.
At the end of the day, all you really have to do is show up — physically or virtually. Be there for her, preferably with a pizza in hand.
Michelle Horton is a writer and advocate. Through the Nicole Addimando Community Defense Committee, she speaks out for her sister and the countless other victims of domestic violence criminalized for their acts of survival. She's the author of Dear Sister: A Memoir of Secrets, Survival, and Unbreakable Bonds.