Woman Refuses To Marry Her Boyfriend Because He's Best Friends With His Ex-Wife & Her New Husband
Some level of jealousy is understandable. But isn't a man being amicable with an ex a good thing?
fizkes | Shutterstock Staying friends with an ex is a deeply personal thing. For some of us, setting aside our hurts and retaining a connection with a person we once loved is not only easy but fulfilling. For others, it's an absolute no-go, a minefield of negativity, temptation, or both.
One woman on the internet seems to be firmly in the latter camp — so much so that she's questioning her current relationship because of how close her partner still is to his ex.
She's 'insane' with jealousy over her boyfriend being best friends with his ex-wife and her new husband.
Many of us would be uncomfortable in this situation — and that's perfectly natural. But her boyfriend's situation is a bit different than one might expect. Now 40-year-olds, they've known each other since they were teens, and their marriage is long, long in the past.
"They have known each other for over 20 years," the woman wrote to Slate's "Dear Prudence" advice columnist, explaining that they were married for 10 years and have been divorced for nearly 10 as well. "They don’t have kids together but share a business," she went on to explain. "He’s also best friends with her husband."
In essence, there's at least somewhat of a "childhood friend" situation here. Nevertheless, she can't get past it. She said that if they only saw each other in the context of their business, things might be different.
"But knowing that they spend so much time socially after having been married for a decade … makes me absolutely insane with jealousy," she wrote.
Despite being deeply in love, she feels she can't marry him unless he breaks ties with his ex.
Her issues are exacerbated by the fact that she genuinely likes his ex-wife and seems to wish she didn't.
"What makes it worse is that she and her husband are incredibly nice and welcoming to me," she lamented, explaining that his ex-wife has actively pursued a friendship with her.
This is all very evolved and adult of everyone. It's incredibly rare and wonderful that exes can still share their history and bond like this and decide that there's no reason to throw the baby out with the bathwater just because the romance part didn't work.
But she simply can't handle it — because she's also jealous of the ex herself. "She is beautiful and funny and talented and very easy to spend time with, but the entire time we’re together, I can’t stop fixating on the fact that this woman spent 10 years ... with the love of my life," she shared.
She's so uncomfortable that she's decided she can't continue discussing marriage with him unless he agrees to an ultimatum to cool it on the friendship. "If he asked me to get married now, I’d have to tell him that I can’t do it as long as his ex-wife is socially in his life."
Her friends say she's being irrational and that her boyfriend's friendship is a 'green flag' — and many online agree.
As upset as she is, you'd think there HAS to be some kind of funny business going on, right? Some kind of questionable energy between this guy and his ex. But she is confident they aren't cheating. "Their vibe is entirely platonic," she said.
Still, she insisted, "This level of closeness can’t be normal." Nearly everyone in her life disagrees, however.
"I have confided in friends," she wrote, who, "tell me that a man being not just amicable with but close to an ex is a green flag."
It's certainly a far cry from how many men feel about their exes, and her friends are right — it speaks volumes about how he views both himself and how he views women, and all of it is good.
Slate's "Dear Prudence" herself Jenée Desmond-Harris, her husband and fellow Slate writer Joel Anderson, as well as scores of people on the internet all agreed that what was really going on here is pretty obvious: It's not really jealousy at all, but rather trauma rearing its ugly head.
This woman has obviously been burned at some point and is bringing that into her relationship. That's totally understandable. But is it fair? It's hard to argue that it is, especially given these are essentially childhood friends who grew up together.
As a man on Twitter put it, "I can't believe she could even consider that this man would ditch a family member of 20 years for her who he has known 'about a year.'"
That pretty much sums it up, and as Desmond-Harris and Anderson pointed out, even if her man did agree to those terms, it likely wouldn't make her feel better — because issues this intense run way deeper than an ultimatum can satisfy.
Ultimately, in situations like these, it's on us, not our partners, to deal with and heal the issues making us react so adversely, especially if marriage is on the table. Hopefully, she'll take Prudence's advice and seek therapy because it sounds like this guy is a real keeper. It would be a shame to lose him over insecurities, even if they are understandable ones.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice, and human interest topics.