Why Your Wife Is So Irritable
It's a range of "them" issues to "you" issues.
Dean Drobot | Canva Many men tell me that their wives are very irritable and constantly seem annoyed with them and/or the kids. There are so many reasons that women may be irritable, ranging from “them” issues to “you” issues. Here is the breakdown of why she snaps at you, and what to do about it.
First, many women suffer from depression and anxiety. Rates of both are higher than in men, with over a quarter of women having had depression in their lifetime, and 40% of women having had an anxiety disorder. Both of these disorders lead to irritability. Beyond this, many women are very irritable in the week or even the two weeks before their period, and sometimes this mood change is so severe as to be classified as PMDD versus PMS.
This means that there is a huge biological and psychological component to irritability, which may be ameliorated by medications, therapy (which can teach skills to modify your reactions although cannot change biology), and lifestyle changes, like prioritizing sleep and taking breaks from stressful activities.
There is no underestimating the impact of biology, and I’ve seen many marriages transformed just by the couple understanding how much biology impacts mood.
Next, people act more irritable the more stressed and unsupported they feel. If your wife feels that she “does everything” in the home, she can act like an angry and irritable martyr.
This is likely a dynamic that both of you saw at home. There is no way to be a loving husband without doing chores, which still has to be taught to some men … although increasingly I see more and more men who do half the housework.
Additionally, if your wife is the pursuer and you are the distancer, your emotional avoidance of her makes her feel something called “attachment panic” which can manifest as anger and irritability.
If you are constantly withdrawing from her emotionally and physically, into work, hobbies, and anything that isn’t her, but yet you expect her to be kind, loving, and intimate, couples therapy can help you get into a new dynamic where both people feel loved in the way that they need, and nobody needs to snap at or detach from the other.
When a woman feels upset and unprioritized in her marriage, her irritability may spill over onto the children. Women in unhappy marriages are less able to be good mothers and are irritable and dysregulated with their kids when their marriages are going poorly.
If your issue is that your wife snaps at the kids, it is generally the case that she feels lonely in the marriage as well. This can be helped with couples counseling and deep empathy for your wife’s perspective as a mom of small kids, or teenagers for that matter. Also, you may need to reconceptualize your role as a father and take over as much of the parenting as possible while putting your foot down and telling your wife that she needs to get into therapy.
Some women are also irritable as stay-at-home moms and feel a thousand times better when they go back to work. And other women feel angry that they are not able to stay home with young children as they always yearned to do. If your wife is unhappy with how her life is structured, then this may massively contribute to her irritability, because she is likely depressed about her situation.
The stage of having young kids is very difficult, particularly if you feel you are thwarted from living it in the way that would best suit your personality. If your wife wants to stay home or wants to work and you have in any way obstructed either of these choices, she may deeply resent you and feel angry with you regularly. The decision of how she wants to spend the kids’ preschool years can be productively discussed in couples work.
I’ve discussed couples counseling already as this is an article aimed at helping men understand their wives, and this is a step that men can take to work on things, but let’s change gears and directly address the women struggling with irritability. If you are a woman who recognizes herself in this post, then your therapy can be transformative.
It is likely that you saw an irritable parent and have a template for adulthood/parenting as an irritable person just trying to slog through the day. You are likely a depressed person who was raised by another depressed person.
Depression is not only sadness. If you were raised in a negative home, you only have a negative parent as a role model, and this is what you slip into when stressed, or all the time.
Figuring out how to be less reactive with a partner and kids can be very difficult if you don’t see a calm role model. Parenting, relationship coaching, or therapy, can teach you new perspectives, skills, and ways to respond. Often, because you don’t yell at your husband/kids as much as your mom (or dad) did, you think you’re doing okay.
In reality, you may be hurting your relationships with your negative attitude and quick temper just as much as your parent harmed their relationship with you. This is a bitter pill to swallow, but for most women who struggle with irritability, this realization can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back and finally gets them into therapy (or to try an antidepressant).
If this article spoke to you, take the first step and do whatever work you can on yourself. Later, you can bring up the points with your partner.
For example, if you are a man who travels extensively for work and leaves his wife overwhelmed with small kids regularly, think about ways to be around more during this stage. If that doesn’t help anything, schedule couples counseling and tell her that you guys need to discuss healthier ways to connect and interact to be a loving template for the kids.
If you are a woman who struggles with irritability, schedule your therapy and figure out what is at play. Are you depressed and don’t know? Are you happy with your life structure? Have you worked through your issues with your childhood? After you begin to address these issues, then you can think about your husband’s role. Remember, there is no shame in admitting you aren’t acting in ways that you are proud of… as long as you try to move forward differently.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.