Why Toxic People Have So Many Friends
And how to recognize toxic friendships.
Jacob Lund | Canva My whole life, I’ve tried to fit into big social groups. It seemed so fun to have many friends and do many cool things together. But every time I was part of such a crowd, something felt off. I couldn’t understand it: Why did everybody around me have so many friends, but I felt awkward amongst them?
I thought I just hadn’t found the right group yet, so the quest for my tribe continued. It was easy for me to enter social circles — I was a long-term traveler and had interesting stories. I perceived myself as extroverted and wasn’t afraid to introduce myself. But as soon as I entered the circle, I felt like I couldn’t be me. No wonder — I had started falsely, pretending like I was as social as all the others. But deep inside, I was a hidden introvert.
Losing friends after a spiritual awakening
It wasn’t until my spiritual awakening (a term I hate to be honest, but it’s the best way to describe it), that I realized I had been involved with the wrong friends all along. I wanted to be part of the ‘popular’ groups, but couldn’t live up to the dynamics.
I figured out that many people bond over alcohol and drugs, and I was completely over that. Not partying anymore meant not being invited anymore either. People didn’t like the introverted version of me. It was lonely. I didn’t know who I was anymore or who I wanted to be. I felt like being alone and figuring myself out, but I was so used to being social that it gave me a lot of anxiety. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t find friends who aligned with me?
Was I really that different? Now I finally see that I was trying to be part of toxic friendships. Toxic friends are charming, invite you to the coolest parties, are beautiful, and always have many friends surrounding them.
Having many friends doesn’t mean you have good friendships
It took me a while to figure out why toxic people have so many friends. I automatically blamed it on myself that I was just weird because I only had a few. I thought the more friends you have, the better of a person you must be. After all, why would people want to be friends with you otherwise?
Turns out, especially toxic people have many friends surrounding them. They have charisma, are social butterflies, and have great stories to tell. They know how to involve others in their lives and make you feel special in the beginning. Toxic people often have something you look up to, and that you want for yourself as well. You become especially vulnerable for their attention because they present an image like they have it all figured out.
Here are 5 reasons why toxic people have so many friends:
1. Toxic people attract each other
I think the world has many toxic people in it. Few of us live our authentic lives, which is hard in the current society we operate in. Everything around us is built upon money, status, and possessions. This creates desires in people that don’t emit good energy. And since energy is a frequency that attracts similar energy, people with negative energy also attract negative friends. So it’s only natural that toxic people have many (toxic) friends — like attracts like.
Every time I was part of big social groups there was a lot of drama involved. People pretended to be very close and do all these fun things together, but in the layer underneath they were jealous and loved spreading gossip.
2. Toxic people can’t be alone
I don’t believe in being born toxic. A person becomes toxic because of their situation. They probably weren’t seen or appreciated as kids and are now desperately looking for that approval. They need people around them to give them a reason to feel good about themselves. So they will always surround themselves with others who can validate them. They sense when somebody is lonely and needs a friend, and there they are.
I think it’s vital to be comfortable with yourself alone, and only then can you truly be a good friend to others. After all, if you can’t enjoy your own company, how do you expect others to enjoy being around you? If somebody can’t be alone at all, it’s often a red flag.
3. Toxic friends hide part of who they are
Since toxic people can’t be alone, they will do everything to always have friends around them. But they know a part of their personality is not likable, and they will try anything to hide it. Eventually, there comes a moment when they are triggered and the evilness comes out. If you are witness to that, chances are you’re being discarded as a friend. After all, they can’t risk having their other friends find out about that part of them.
You as a friend think it must be your fault, since they still have so many friends left, and you end up with nobody. But the truth is that they hide part of who they are, and it’s only a matter of time before the next ‘friend’ is discarded.
4. Toxic friends are manipulative
It took me a while to figure out what it’s like to be manipulated in friendships. Manipulation can come in many ways, but it often involves some form of toxic guilt-trip game.
For example, you might be manipulated by being the ‘favorite’ friend. You get to hear the gossip first, and they present you to others as their best friend. You, in turn, are flattered and feel appreciated. They often tell you a secret that nobody else may know. And then they tell another version to somebody else. Do you see how toxic this is? Now you are part of the secret, but many times it’s not the entire truth. You can’t tell anyone though, because your ‘friend’ insists you are the only one who can know this. Now you carry the burden of their secret, and it probably even puts you at risk of losing other friends in the group if you tell them. This is exactly how toxic people attach others to them and it’s flat-out manipulation.
5. Toxic people have superficial relationships
Here’s a funny fact: you can’t manage more than a certain amount of deep friendships. If a friend is a true friend, they will be part of many aspects of your life — the good parts, as well as the bad parts. Together you grow and learn from each other. But with toxic friendships, this isn’t possible. They have so many friends, that they will most likely all be superficial. After all, it costs a lot of energy to be a truly good friend. If you have 20+ friends, this is simply not sustainable.
That’s why toxic friends keep their pals on the surface. They like to hang out with others when it serves them. If somebody goes through a dark time, they don’t care anymore and will move on to another friend who is not so ‘demanding’. It’s easy for a toxic person to surround themselves with many superficial friends — it doesn’t take the amount of time an actual good friendship would take.
How to recognize toxic friends
It’s hard to instantly recognize toxic people, especially because they present themselves so openly and likable in the first moment. You judge the situation on the many friends they have surrounding them, and you decide you got lucky that they want to talk to you.
But there is one big sign that tells you the truth: your intuition. You often feel off around these people, probably even awkward. You will try your best to say the right things, and maybe even mirror yourself to them. You’ll feel like you need to be/say something interesting to get their approval.
When you are in a further state of the friendship, you often start dreading seeing them. Your heart skips a beat when you see their name on your screen. You don’t look forward to hanging out with them and try to find excuses to cancel the meeting. At some point, your body starts acting up when you’re around them. You feel anxious and insecure and try to be someone you’re not, just out of fear they might not like you anymore. You probably even tell them the latest gossip yourself, because you know they will appreciate you more for it.
What to do if you have toxic friends
If you sense that your friends are toxic, it’s not that easy to get out. You are probably part of a bigger group, and discarding that one toxic friend means you will also lose the others.
This was the hardest part for me. At some point, my intuition knew exactly which people in the group were toxic and which ones were just their victims. I liked hanging out with the non-toxic people, but they were so intertwined in the toxic friendship, that I couldn't get them alone. It made me get out of the whole group and this was very lonely. I often doubted myself if I had made the right decision. After all, they were still having fun together, and I was just sitting alone in my house on the weekends.
This time for me came also at the same time as my Dark Night of the Soul — a period where you've lost touch with yourself — so it was incredibly challenging. I had lost my sense of self completely and also lost most of my friends.
But a part of me knew I had to go through this. My whole life I had been part of toxic groups — now I finally had the chance to start over. I took my inner work very seriously and hoped that I would at some point attract the right people. And I did. It took me almost two years to get over this dark cycle in my life, and it was very depressing. However, I kept true to myself and actively avoided hanging out with my toxic friends, even though they asked me to and wondered why I was neglecting them.
I found friends who were less ‘popular’ and also on a similar journey as me. They showed me you don’t have to spread gossip to be likable and don’t have to live a life full of drama to be interesting. With them, I could be 100% myself, including my bad parts and mean moments. They accepted it if I needed space and it didn’t jeopardize the friendship. I can share my struggles and vulnerabilities, knowing that they won’t be spread around by others. This creates a very safe space to be exactly who I am.
True friends want to see you thrive. They are happy when you succeed and worried if you’re not doing well. They will tell the truth, even though you might not want to hear it. Real friends are not jealous of your success and won’t try to make you into somebody you are not. They will accept you for who you are and will love that person. They laugh with you and cry with you, even if they don’t get anything out of the situation themselves.
I am very blessed to nowadays surround myself with people like these, and even though I do sometimes still struggle to say no to my old toxic friends, I am getting better every day to set my boundaries. It’s a wonderful feeling to be able to say how you feel to somebody and know that that person will still be your friend the next day. Be that person for your friends as well.
Yvette van den Brand is an international writer focused on personal growth, mindfulness, and spirituality. Her travels around the world and diverse cultural experiences deeply inform her spiritual practice, which she integrates into her daily life and articles.