5 Red Flags That You And Your Friend Are In Competition With Each Other
Jealousy is poison to a friendship and will kill it slowly and painfully unless you remove it.
KrakenImages | Shutterstock Have you ever had to break up with a friend because you were in competition with each other? These types of relationships can be even more difficult to navigate than romantic ones because the signs of a toxic friendship may not appear as clear and can feel confusing.
Like any healthy relationship, a friendship should be evaluated and deemed overall positive and beneficial. There are signs when a friend is jealous of your life; if you miss them, the relationship may become toxic. All relationships have ups and downs, but they shouldn’t hurt.
If a friendship brings out the worst in you rather than the best, look closely. If you're experiencing chronic pain in a friendship due to their being cold, critical, competitive, copycat-ish, or codependent, the cost to you may be more than you ever saw coming. And the end may be coming soon.
Here are red flags you and your friend are in competition with each other:
1. They respond coldly to your good news
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A jealous friend may ignore your good news altogether, be seemingly underwhelmed, diminish it as not that big of a deal, or one-up you with better news in their life. In other words, they "don’t show up" as supportive or thrilled for you, which may even include not showing up for occasions to celebrate you.
Their lack of excitement or ghosting may leave you deflated and feeling unloved. A true friend would delight in your good news and show genuine happiness.
They would be there via text, voice, FaceTime, social media likes and comments, and in person whenever possible. And if they cannot attend an event meant for you, they would at least acknowledge and honor it in some way meaningful way.
If this is an isolated situation and not a chronic way of being towards you, your news may have triggered a past disappointment for them, and it isn’t about you at all. Pay attention.
2. They are critical of others in your life
A jealous friend may seek opportunities to criticize others who share your time, attention, and admiration. This may be to isolate, dominate, and create self-doubt about your perceptions.
A true friend would have an honest conversation with you if they are concerned about someone in your life, and the intention would be very different from criticism. Putting others down to get you closer to them is a selfish act and not one of genuinely looking out for you. Which is true for you?
3. They are competitive with you
A jealous friend may be competing with you behind your back or openly. Ultimately, they want what you have.
You may notice if you attain something, they seek it, as well. But if they can’t or aren’t interested in it but see you excelling, they may try to get you to self-sabotage. They may manipulate and encourage you to become undisciplined and miss out on your goals.
A 2007 study published in Psychological Bulletin noted that friendships can sometimes create "malicious envy," which is more common than we might think. When people feel this way, they often act in ways that unintentionally undermine their friends' success.
Maybe you're working hard to lose or maintain your weight, but they "treat" you with Krispy Kreme doughnuts every morning. This passive-aggressive act to get you to "just have one" because "you look great" can add up.
A true friend may have a healthy, friendly competition with you, like who can eat the most hotdogs, who can get the most likes on their throwback photo, or who can get the girl’s/guy’s attention at the bar. And they would respect your commitments and boundaries. They would honor them.
4. They copycat you
A jealous friend may begin copycatting you. At first, imitation may seem like flattery. Still, when they start dressing like you, styling their hair like you, and emulating your every behavior, they may be interested in stealing your life, not just copying it.
In a 2022 study, researchers examined how envy in close friendships can lead to unhealthy imitation. They asked people about their experiences with close friends and evaluated traits such as envy, friendship satisfaction, and instances of behavioral mimicry (such as copying clothing styles, hairstyles, or everyday behaviors). The results revealed that the friends of individuals with higher trait envy were significantly more likely to report feeling imitated in a way that seemed intrusive or obsessive.
The study also revealed that many people view copycat behavior not as harmless admiration but as an effort to adopt the identity of the admired person. This suggests that, at times, excessive mimicry may indicate jealousy instead of simply a positive influence.
Look for signs of an unhealthy obsession. A true friend may admire your style or confidence and use it to inspire their development without the need to take yours.
5. They create co-dependency between you
A jealous friend may be so needy and surrounded by drama that you feel responsible for helping them. They are the victim of life, and you are the rescuer because, after all, by this point, they've shown you so many other signs that make you feel sorry for them that you have begun to downplay your achievements.
You want to protect them from feeling bad about their lives, so you have begun withdrawing from other relationships to focus on helping them. After all, they need you, and everyone else is fine. You begin to sacrifice your interests, hobbies, and personal goals. You start to play small in your life to make them feel better about themselves.
Ultimately, this seemingly loving choice on your part does not help them shift into a mindset of taking responsibility for their life and outcomes — it's counterproductive to your own.
A 2022 study discovered that people who prioritize someone else's needs over their own goals and well-being tend to display codependent behavior. This reinforces the idea that if you find yourself catering to a jealous friend's ongoing desire for attention — to the point where you downplay your achievements and distance yourself from other relationships — you may be stuck in a codependent situation.
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Don't let toxic friendships poison your life. You know a friendship or any relationship has poisoned your life when it changes who you are, what you stand for, what you want for yourself, and how you present yourself.
You may have noticed signs and made excuses for them because you wanted to be a good friend. But, when you connect the signs and the symptoms, the diagnosis cannot be denied.
If you've confronted their hurtful behaviors only to have them turned around on you, know that you've given more than you've received. There's been imbalance and dysfunction, so forgive yourself, learn the lessons, grieve the loss, and choose for yourself.
Ann Papayoti, PCC, is a relationship coach, author, speaker, and host of the podcast Soul CPR Healing Out Loud. She helps people untangle from their past, heal from heartbreak, and revive their lives.