6 Ways To Start Loving Yourself When Nobody Taught You How
There's one key ingredient to self-love and science says you can develop it at any age.
Andrii Nekrasov | Canva Loving yourself sounds simple, but for many of us, knowing where to start is a mystery.
The truth is, you may not have been taught how to love yourself. In fact, you may have been taught the opposite — how to be your own worst critic. That might look like holding yourself to impossible standards, judging yourself for your mistakes and engaging in self-sabotage. It happens to be the best of us. I’ve been there too. I even wrote a book about it.
According to Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being (2014), self-compassion is what's most linked to improved mental health, including lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. The good news is, you can develop self-compassion even now.
Treat yourself as kindly as you'd treat a friend
When we treat ourselves with the same kindness we would offer a friend, we build resilience, improve our relationships, and enhance our ability to cope with challenges. The problem is, that can feel awfully hard at first. However, that can be changed. According to neuroscience research from 2014, what fires together wires together. Meaning, we can practice doing life differently. What can be learned can be unlearned (as supported by a 2017 study).
What most people don’t know is that self-compassion doesn’t just show up — it takes intention and practice.
Throughout my journey of healing from complex trauma and learning to love myself, I’ve discovered that self-love isn’t just about positive affirmations; it’s a daily practice that requires mindfulness, intention, and reinforcement.
It’s about learning a new way of treating myself and creating a foundation of acceptance and kindness.
Six ways to learn self-compassion — starting now
1. Start with mindful awareness
Mindfulness is a powerful tool in cultivating self-love. The first step to loving yourself is to become aware of your current relationship with yourself. How do you talk to yourself when things go wrong? What are the stories you tell yourself about your worth?
By being present and paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations without judgment, you create space to respond to yourself with kindness. Mindfulness helps you break the cycle of negative self-talk and become more in tune with what you need. Self-awareness sets the stage upon which self-love is built.
2. Forgive yourself
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One of the biggest barriers to self-love is holding onto past mistakes or perceived failures. We all have moments we wish we could do over, but it’s beneficial to your mental health to forgive yourself, as backed up by The Journal of Positive Psychology (2017).
Here’s the caveat — before you can forgive yourself for those imperfections, you must also forgive yourself for being critical or judgmental of them. Being your own worst critic is a learned habit, and it makes sense that you’re having that response. So, forgive yourself for that first. Then, you open yourself up to self-forgiveness for perceived mistakes or failures.
Forgiveness is a radical act of self-love. It’s saying, “I’m human, and it’s okay to make mistakes.” This doesn’t mean you ignore the lessons learned, but it does mean you release the guilt and shame attached to those experiences.
3. Feel all the feelings
A big part of self-love is allowing yourself to feel your emotions fully. This means not running away from discomfort or numbing out when things get tough. Understandably, you’d want to avoid uncomfortable or scary feelings, but by permitting yourself to feel them instead, you’re cultivating a habit of self-acceptance.
When you allow yourself to experience your emotions without judgment, you essentially validate your own experience. This is an act of self-compassion, and it strengthens your relationship with yourself. Over time, it will start to feel more natural to feel all emotions.
4. Give yourself the love you didn’t receive
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One of the most profound acts of self-love is learning to give yourself the love you need but didn’t receive in the past. You may carry emotional wounds from your childhoods or past relationships, where you didn’t feel valued, appreciated, or truly seen. I’ve been there too, and these experiences can leave lasting imprints on our self-esteem and self-worth.
But, the beauty of self-love is that it allows us to reclaim our power. You can provide yourself with the love, care, and validation you may have missed out on. It starts with acknowledging those unmet needs without judgment. Rather than dwelling on the past or blaming yourself or others, focus on how you can nurture yourself now.
Ask yourself, "What did I need back then? Was it more encouragement, affection, or understanding?" Once you identify those needs, make a conscious effort to meet them in your daily life. Speak kindly to yourself, practice self-compassion, and create a safe space within where you can feel truly accepted and valued. By doing this, you’re not just healing old wounds — you’re building a strong foundation of self-love that will support you in every aspect of your life.
5. Set boundaries
Loving yourself also means protecting your energy and well-being. This involves setting boundaries with others and with yourself. It’s about recognizing when to say no, when to take a step back, and when to put yourself first.
Boundaries are essential for maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself and others, but like anything else, they take practice. You won’t be good at setting boundaries overnight, so permit yourself to learn as you go.
6. Be patient ( and know it takes time)
Loving yourself isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a process that requires time and patience. Just like you wouldn’t expect to run a marathon without training, you can’t expect to develop self-love without practice.
Fortunately, you don’t have to change your entire life to get started. You simply have to decide. By committing even five minutes each day to a self-love practice, you’re teaching yourself a new way to show up for yourself.
It’s important to be gentle with yourself during this process. Celebrate the small wins, and give yourself grace when you stumble.
Self-compassion and loving yourself aren't selfish
There’s a common misconception that loving yourself is selfish or self-centered. But the truth is, self-love is the foundation of healthy relationships and a fulfilling life. When you love yourself, you’re better equipped to love others. You set an example of what it means to treat yourself with kindness and respect, and it truly impacts everything and everyone around you.
Self-love also doesn’t mean ignoring your flaws or pretending everything is perfect. It’s about embracing your whole self — the good, the bad, and the messy. It’s about accepting that you are worthy of love and kindness, just as you are.
Remember, self-love is not a destination but an ongoing practice. It’s about showing up for yourself, even on the days when it feels hard. It’s about recognizing your worth, not because of what you do, but simply because you are.
So, take a deep breath, give yourself a little grace, and know that you’re on the right path. You deserve love, first and foremost, from yourself.
Blair Nastasi is a Marriage and Family Therapist (AMFT), CEO of an international PR agency, and proud San Diego resident. She is a freelance writer and author of 31 Days of Self Compassion: Learn to love and accept yourself in just 5 minutes a day