12 Types Of Men Who Seem Really Charming At First — Then Emotionally Drain You
They start innocently enough but over time, these type of men leave you feel confused and exhausted.
Lucas Pezeta | Pexels Dating starts innocently enough, doesn’t it? A movie date here, a bouquet there. You’re excited with flirting, laughter, and belly butterflies. You think this could be the start of something serious.
Then, you go from thinking you are falling in love to wondering why all of the problems in your new relationship seem to be your fault and have no clear idea of how you got from point A to point B. Abuse is not always a clear-cut issue, abuse can also be extremely subtle.
It’s never cool to enter a relationship only to be assigned a job you did not apply for, the job of allowing someone to live out his control issues, no matter how subtle, at your expense. You would be wise to avoid the following types of men.
Here are the types of men who seem charming at first, then emotionally drain you:
1. The man who makes you think he has many options
He nonsensically reminds you of the hordes of women who are attracted to him to make you believe it is your job to please him and make him happy at all times, lest he finds someone new. He doesn’t want you.
He wants a mirror, and he wants a woman who is sure to chase her tail in circles trying to please him at all costs, no matter how high. Stay away.
2. The man who wants to control your emotions
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If he says he’s going to call you at 7 pm on a Tuesday, but he does not do so until 10 pm the following day (or later), he is likely doing it on purpose. He wants you to be thinking about all of the possible reasons why he’s not contacting you when he said he would. He wants you kept on a short leash, and in his mind, this is one way to do it.
3. The man who inconsistently keeps his word
Though he doesn’t always come through, he goes far beyond the guy who is “just not that into you.” But he does so for the wrong reasons.
He’s into you because he needs to feel in control, and you are precisely the person who will fulfill that need if you do not run. Or maybe he is, quite simply, someone who does not feel as though keeping his word is something he needs to do. Whatever the case, it is not your job to figure it out. Run for the hills.
4. The man who seems interested in kids and marriage way too early
The guy who appears interested in marriage and children within the first month of knowing you are not interested in marriage and children. This is a telltale sign of grooming — the earlier he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, the easier it is for him to get you to put up with his garbage down the line.
I am not talking about the necessary discussions about marriage and children couples should have at some point; you need to know you and your significant other are on the same page about these huge issues. Rather, I am referring to those far-too-early discussions about marriage and children in which he addresses, specifically, marriage to you and children with you, despite what he (and you) may believe.
Those attempts at manipulation are not cute or endearing; they should be interpreted as red flags they are.
5. The man who needs to control your physical space
He’s the guy who barricades a door so you cannot leave a room during an argument until you have allowed him to talk circles around an issue he created. This is a guy who is used to being given opportunities to talk his way out of situations.
Coercive control in abusive relationships can be seen in various behaviors, which include controlling the physical space through intimidation and threats, according to a 2012 study.
6. Themanwho does not respect you, your boundaries, or physical space
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He’s the guy who does not leave your dorm/apartment/home when you’ve asked him to. The same goes for the guy who shows up at your home when you have explicitly asked him not to.
None of this is cute or endearing. It is offensive and an abuse of your boundaries.
7. The man who has something to hide
He’s the guy who is not honest about who his friends are. There is no other interpretation for this.
"If you are someone who occasionally lies, you know where your line is," explained relationship coach Rebecca A. Marquis, Ph.D. "You know when you feel it’s okay to tell a lie, and when you feel you must be truthful. But here's the problem: No one else will ever know where you draw that line. If you lie about even the littlest thing, your spouse or significant other will wonder about everything you say."
8. The man with clear control issues
He’s the guy who goes out of his way to say and do things that annoy you. He needs to know that he can manipulate you successfully, and this is one small way to test it.
9. The man who’s deeply uncomfortable with his life choices
He’s the guy who says nasty and hurtful things about your major and or career in a way beyond innocent teasing. He is likely covering up his remorse by negging you.
"When I was dating, I met a man who tried the tactic of negging on our first date," explained dating coach Ronnie Ann Ryan. "He asked about my family heritage and background, and then used it against me. Then he held my hand and touched my shoulder. Don't fall for this move, wanting to prove 'women like you' are not the frigid type. You have nothing to prove! Feel free to end the date early with any excuse to cut short a cad of this nature."
10. The man who is a master manipulator
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Have you ever apologized for your “role” in his behavior? This is master manipulation at its finest. Not only has he behaved poorly, but he has found a way to manipulate you into believing that his behavior is, was, and will continue to be your fault.
11. The man who's dishonest
When you ask him a question about his intentions, does he stutter? Does he talk around the question? It takes approximately zero seconds to communicate the truth.
It takes a little longer than that to come up with a passable lie or excuse. Interpret stuttering and dancing around questions for what they reveal: The very real probability that you are not getting the whole story.
12. The man who's passive-aggressive
I came home from work one day to the electricity had been turned off in my apartment. I had absolutely no idea what was wrong or why this happened.
When “he” showed up an hour later, he laughed and walked over to the circuit breaker to turn the lights back on. Because he was angry with me, he used the circuit breaker to shut off the lights before he left, knowing intuitively the circuit breaker wouldn’t be my first stop.
Might this be construed as funny? Perhaps to those who do not see it as the warning sign it is. Rather than maturely addressing whatever issue he was having, he decided to passively-aggressively control my surroundings when he was not around, in my own home.
Demand better for yourself, even if doing so has to take the form of a permanent departure from the relationship.
Before you met this type of person, you were doing quite well. You were happy. Upon meeting someone who exhibits the above manipulative tendencies, you soon see how quickly life goes from serene and enjoyable to dramatic and erratic.
If a relationship seems endlessly dramatic, interpret this as a warning sign that it is: This person uses drama to manipulate your emotional well-being, which is abusive.
Younger self, it has been said that we teach people how to treat us. I am much older than you are now, and I continue to struggle to remember this. This particular lesson is lifelong. I wish I were attuned to the ways by which a subtly manipulative relationship is also synonymous with an abusive relationship.
Do not make my mistakes, younger self. Your life — whether you are in college, recently graduated, or watching your 20s come to a crashing end — is much more wisely spent working on your academic, professional, and personal successes than it is falling victim to someone’s seductive effort to manipulate and abuse your world.
And, by the way, younger self, it works both ways. If you are guilty of the above shades of manipulation, then you, too, have perpetrated abuse. Grow up; there is no one worth your while who deserves this behavior.
Christina Berchini is a writer and teacher who has been featured in HuffPost, USA Today, ELLE, Elite Daily, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, and more.
