10 Subtle Things Women Do That Men Often Take The Wrong Way, According To Psychology
These habits push men away, not bring them closer.
towfiqu barbhuiya | Canva Relationships tend to follow a fairytale plot during the initial phase, but over time, it may become tough to keep the spark alive, especially when it comes to communication between men and women. It can become a minefield of misunderstandings — not because anyone's trying to be confusing, but because we're often wired to interpret things differently.
Women may do certain things with good intent, but men can misread them entirely, leading to mixed signals, hurt feelings, or unnecessary conflict. If you've ever felt like men are from Mars and women are from Venus when it comes to speaking emotional language, you're not alone.
Here are the subtle things women do that men often take the wrong way:
1. Playing coy
If you like us, let us know. If you don’t, let us go. This game, where you pretend you don’t care and secretly hope we chase you, is for teenagers. Do you think men like the chase? Perhaps. Do you think we like guessing whether we’re wasting our time? No.
2. Fixating on what men are thinking
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You ask, “What are you thinking?” and we say, “Nothing.” You figure this must be a lie, and decide that we aren’t willing to communicate with you. The problem is, this is the wrong question to ask.
Men are action-oriented. You don’t need to ask what we’re thinking, just watch what we’re doing. Coming home late every night? We’re not happy at home. Uninterested in intimacy, probably crushed by stress. Not calling you back even though we said, “I love you?” We don’t love you.
You can save the questions about musings until you see a change in your behavior. That’s the surest sign that something needs to be discussed. Women may fixate on what men think due to a combination of factors, including differences in communication styles, gender roles, and emotional expression.
A 2024 study concluded that women often interpret men's actions, particularly withdrawal, as a lack of interest in closeness, which can lead to increased emotional intensity and pursuit, potentially worsening the situation.
3. Refusing to understand their need for alone time
This often expresses itself in hobbies. Say a man likes to play golf and has played for years. Many a man has gotten into a relationship only to have the woman complain about the time he spends playing golf. She’s jealous of this time.
Of course, if she loves him, she should know that he needs this time on the golf course. It’s his passion. It’s his release. Without it, he will burn up with anxiety and frustration over life’s little indignities. Why does she get involved with a man who has a hobby she doesn’t like? See: ”You see us as projects you can fix.”
4. Having a complicated set of double standards
We only need to look at the example of going Dutch on a first date. You offer to split the check, and if we let you, you hold it against us. Really? You demand, quite rightly, to be in on all important relationship decisions, yet when we take you out and ask, “What would you like to do tonight?” you are angry that we haven’t taken charge of the situation.
It’s a confusing set of double standards and antiquated rules that make it very difficult for us to know which move is the right one.
Studies indicate that men and women can exhibit double standards, including a me-versus-thee double standard where individuals hold different standards for themselves versus their partners. These double standards can stem from factors like social expectations, gender roles, and individual biases, and they can lead to misunderstandings, conflict, and even emotional abuse in relationships.
5. Wanting a man to change, only to lose respect for him when he does
It’s an interesting phenomenon. When a man and a woman get together, he will likely have some hobbies, tendencies, or habits that she doesn’t like.
For instance, I have a friend who met and married a woman who wasn’t thrilled that he played in a band. She was a bit threatened by the attention he received and his time spent pursuing this. She told him, “I wish you didn’t play in this band,” and because he loved her, he quit.
Within a few months, this woman was confiding to her friends, “I’m a little less attracted to him because he quit the band, and just did what I asked. Now, he just hangs out at home.”
It’s a specific example, but a common problem. Clearly, the man should do what he feels he has to do, but we try to be accommodating, and to have that count against us is infuriating.
6. Treating him as a project you can fix
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You meet us. You like us. You date us. You marry us. And somewhere along the way, it might seem that you love us just as we are, but rarely does it work out that way.
Women see the potential. They see rough edges, and they want to sand them off. This makes us crazy. We don’t want to change. We have chosen our car, hair, friends, home, and hobbies because we enjoy them.
The knowledge that you are thinking, “If he could only...” is a deeply disturbing thought, and perhaps more sinister is the idea that this behavior is so common that even if you aren’t the kind of woman who wants change, we expect that you do and are only biding your time.
This fixer mentality can stem from a desire for control, a belief in their ability to change others, or an underlying need for validation and a sense of purpose. However, one study cautioned that it's crucial to remember that individuals are not projects to be altered, and attempts to force change can damage the relationship and lead to resentment and disillusionment.
7. Letting your expectations be set by Hollywood fantasy
Hollywood strikes again. I have a buddy who has plans to attend a Nicholas Sparks book signing so he can tell the man to knock it off!
Most women know at an intellectual level that their man isn’t going to be like George Clooney or Brad Pitt or that Italian guy from Under the Tuscan Sun, but in their hearts, they want it. They’ve been fed a fantasy about romance and passion for so long that when a REAL act of love comes down the pike, he notices that the tread on your tires is low and buys a new set, it hardly even registers.
8. Obsessing over the future
Women tend to think about the next major step in life. Men tend to think about the next major meal. Certainly, part of this is driven by biology.
A 34-year-old single woman who wants to have children has to think about the future. She has to think about finding a quality partner, where they are going to live, and if there is enough room for the baby in the study. A 34-year-old single man has far less interest in planning or pushing towards some future major life goal.
This difference in priorities often leaves women in the unpleasant position of saying, “next,” “next,” and “next” when it comes to related events. There is a female drive to get answers to questions like, “What ARE we?”, “Are we exclusive yet?”, “Are we going to get married?” That makes it seem like they aren’t enjoying the now and only worry about the future.
The statement that women focusing on the future often leads men astray is a broad generalization and doesn't reflect the complexity of human behavior and relationships. A 2020 study concluded that misinterpretations and communication breakdowns, not solely gendered differences, are more likely to lead to relationship challenges.
9. Using your emotions as a weapon
You don’t mean to. I suppose it isn’t your fault that during an important conversation about the future of our relationship, you start crying, but surely you understand that this derails the ability to pursue the issue at hand.
You’ve, essentially, played a kind of trump card. If we continue to advocate our side, we’re bullies. If we give in, we’re weak.
10. Tending to be critical
I’ve tried to avoid the word n-a-g, but there seems to be some internal mechanism that makes women predisposed to criticism, in the same way that men are predisposed to seek their man cave. It’s almost a cliché — the wife who complains and makes demands, and the husband who just wants to be left alone to watch TV or work out in the garage.
Critical tendencies in relationships, including those involving women towards men, can stem from various factors, including insecure attachment styles, unmet needs, and past experiences. According to a 2016 study, when critical communication patterns are prevalent, they can lead to relational problems and unhappiness.
Grant Langston was previously a writer in the TV and radio advertising arena and is a founding member and CEO of eHarmony.
