7 Uncomfortable Truths Grown Men Need To Understand About Women, According To Psychology
Women and men live in very different realities.
RDNE Stock project | Pexels Despite being born in 1941, my dad was progressive when it came to gender. Maybe it was a lifetime spent in academia, or simply who he was, but my parents’ relationship was always equitable. They shared responsibilities, he was intensely proud of my mom’s academic accomplishments later in life, and for the most part, they split the domestic labor.
I never heard my dad call a waitress “sweetie” or “honey,” and he had the utmost respect for his business partners or colleagues who happened to be women. To him, their gender was inconsequential. Despite this, I had a lot of learning to do before I turned 30. My dad was a strong influence, but so was the patriarchy.
I stumbled through some discriminatory, ignorant growing pains. Even though it took me until I was 30, it’s never too early for grown men to learn these uncomfortable truths about women.
Here are the uncomfortable truths all grown men need to understand about women:
1. Women don’t owe men anything
Antonio Guillem / Shutterstock
Just because men don’t harass/assault/abuse or otherwise treat women like garbage doesn’t mean they deserve a medal.
Throughout high school and into my 20s, I thought I was entitled to the company of women simply because I was “nice.” I eventually realized that “nice” shouldn’t be an effort men make only to win women over, but a default position.
First of all, it’s a basic part of being a good person. Secondly, when men feel like women owe them something just for being nice, it can breed unfair resentment when those women aren’t interested in being their friend or dating them.
Ultimately, men shouldn’t have different expectations for women than they do of their brethren.
2. A polite refusal is not an invitation to try harder
Pheelings media / Shutterstock
A year ago, one of my best friends, Alaina, asked me how to politely but firmly tell a guy she wasn’t interested. I told her not to worry about letting him down easily because some guys take any perceived crack in the door as an invitation to keep trying. Instead, she’d have to be blunt and simply tell Romeo that the door was firmly closed, locked, and barred from the inside.
She was skeptical but did it anyway. Later, she told me the guy had emailed one last time to simply say thank you for the crystal-clear message. She never heard from him again.
Women in American society are taught to avoid confrontation and be polite, while men are taught to never say never and be persistent in all things. As a result, American dating and courtship are rife with mixed messages, ambiguous situations, and a whole generation of women trying to say, in the nicest way possible, “not a chance.”
Men, however, hear “not a chance” as “try harder.” If only all guys took polite refusals at face value. Women often avoid confrontation due to a combination of social conditioning, where being seen as aggressive is undesirable, a desire to maintain harmony in relationships, and a potential fear of negative repercussions from conflict.
These factors lead them to use more subtle strategies to de-escalate situations rather than directly confront issues. However, a 2021 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that this trend is not universal and can vary based on individual personality and circumstances.
3. Women are just as smart and industrious as men
insta_photos / Shutterstock
Lots of men need to stop bristling at the idea of being bested by a woman. Simply put, some women are better, faster, and stronger than men, and many guys need to learn how to accept that fact.
Women have recently crossed a critical threshold, according to a report released in 2019 by the American Psychological Association. The general public finally perceives women in the U.S. today as just as intelligent and competent as men.
4. Women aren’t hardwired to take care of men, so stop expecting it
Photoroyalty / Shutterstock
Any discernible differences in behavior or emotion between men and women are the product of culture, not biology. Simply put, it’s the way someone was raised and what they were taught, not how they were born.
Women are not, as a natural state of things, better equipped for domestic roles or caregiving positions, so men need to stop expecting women to pick up where their moms left off. They also need to stop assuming women automatically like babies, because not all women do.
5. Women are in charge of their own bodies
Longfin Media / Shutterstock
This goes for all sorts of things: abortion, reproductive legislation, consent, fashion, fitness, sports, body modification, diets, and more.
Politicians — especially men — need to get out of the collective. They have no right to legislate what women do with their bodies. Imagine the unbelievable storm that would rage as a result of virile legislation. Wars would be waged, and cities would burn!
Women should get to decide, just like men, what they do with their bodies. If women want to get drunk, it’s their prerogative. If women want to eat dessert, it’s their prerogative. If women want to have babies or not, it’s their prerogative. If women want to get an abortion, it should be their prerogative. See the pattern?
A man's understanding that a woman is in charge of her own body is primarily tied to concepts of gender equality, bodily autonomy, and challenging traditional power dynamics.
A 2024 study found that it requires actively dismantling internalized beliefs about male dominance and recognizing women as autonomous individuals with the right to make decisions about their bodies.
6. Man or woman, earning someone’s respect is a two-way street
insta_photos / Shutterstock
Just like men, when treated with respect, women are inclined to give it in return. There isn’t much difference between men and women at all. We’re all slogging through the same daily quagmire and doing our best not to have a total breakdown.
So men shouldn’t try to figure women out, we should simply relate to them because what matters most is that we’re all humans just trying to make it through. This lies in the concept of reciprocity, where individuals naturally tend to mirror the behavior they receive. To be respected, you must also actively show respect to others.
Research published in The Social and Personality Psychology Compass found that this fosters mutual respect, leading to healthier relationships and positive interactions. Social exchange theory suggests that people tend to behave to maximize their benefits and minimize costs. When someone consistently shows respect, it encourages others to reciprocate, creating a positive exchange loop.
7. Women aren’t trying to conquer or oppress men
Yuri A / Shutterstock
Gender equality and feminism are not about oppressing men or restricting masculinity, they’re about decriminalizing the act of being born a woman.
Being a woman is having to always think about being a woman. Men, on the other hand, don’t have to think about being men. They can simply be.
A man can usually cut through New York City’s Central Park at night on his way back from the bar without thinking about being attacked. A man can usually have another slice of pie without thinking about his figure, or rather, what other people think about his figure.
Gender equality and feminism are about getting to a place where women don’t have to constantly think about being born as women, and where society doesn’t punish them in various ways for it either.
SELF is the authority on health, fitness, beauty, and style for the woman who wants to achieve her personal best in all aspects of her life.