Psychology Says These 4 Traits Often Belong To Men Who Secretly Lack Confidence
A deeply insecure man doesn't know how to love properly.
Nartan Buyukyildiz | Unsplash Insecure men come in every size and age, and they all share the need for affirmation. What does this mean exactly? You’ll understand in a moment when I share the behaviors insecure men engage in more than their secure and confident male peers.
First, however, it is important to note that most insecure men don’t even consciously know they’re insecure. While a handful of men will admit to you and themselves that they are insecure, most men are too ashamed and embarrassed by their insecurities to admit it to themselves, let alone you.
Psychology says these traits often belong to men who secretly lack confidence:
1. He frequently asks for reassurance
Insecure men need reassurance like a shopping mall needs customers. Deep down, insecure men don’t believe that they are good enough on their own, so they frequently ask others for validation to make them feel better.
The problem is that they only feel better for the moment. Ten minutes later, for example, that feeling of being good enough will be gone and they are going to need more reassurance.
Insecure men frequently ask for another person’s opinion. They also frequently ask, “How do I look?” or ask for other reassurance about their appearance. Finally, they frequently recount stories of success and ask for confirmation that they did well.
2. He compares himself to others
Billion Photos / Shutterstock
Insecure men often use social comparison in daily life. They are bean counters, never missing a beat about who has what, and who has the better or worse version of this or that.
Insecure men are keenly attuned to power hierarchies, and they desperately want more power and control than they currently have. Insecure men compare themselves to men at work, constantly noting who is more or less successful; they compare their appearance or attractiveness to other men; and they have a habit of putting down men from all walks of life, which makes them feel better for the moment.
Some insecure men will also idealize men in successful positions or men who seem to “have it all” on the surface: the pretty younger girlfriend, the family man whose home life always seems happy and free of problems or tensions, or the bachelor who has the freedom and social excitement in his life.
While social comparison is a natural human tendency, excessive comparison can lead to negative self-perception and decreased confidence. A 2017 study explained that shifting focus to personal values, celebrating accomplishments, and practicing gratitude can help break the comparison cycle and build a stronger sense of self.
3. He carries a chip on his shoulder or cares about trivial things
Insecure men are pretty transparent, even though many want to believe that no one can see through them. The truth, though, is that people can always smell anxiety a mile away, and insecure men are full of internal anxieties.
Insecure men are often bubbling with anger under the surface, and their anger or bitterness is noticeable in situations at work and in their social lives. Sadly, most of them don’t see how much they carry a chip on their shoulder, so they won’t truly get it if you point it out to them.
This idiom often describes someone who feels wronged or undervalued, making them defensively reactive. However, a 2016 study found that it's also possible to see this as a form of motivation, where a person uses their perceived chip as fuel to overcome challenges and achieve goals.
Insecure men protect themselves with a shell — that chip on their shoulder — but they don’t realize how much they put off others in everyday situations and how much they sabotage their own goals.
4. He gets defensive
Srdjan Randjelovic / Shutterstock
One of the most frustrating behaviors for the loved ones of insecure men is their tendency to get defensive when you challenge them or suggest that they are wrong about something.
With insecure men, their ego is shaky, to begin with, so anything that suggests that they are wrong or inadequate is met with a hostile defense. Simply put, their ego can’t take a lot of blows.
According to a 2012 study, defensiveness is often a reaction to perceived threats or criticism. It can be a way to protect one's ego or fragile self-esteem, even when not directly related to confidence levels. However, individuals with low self-esteem might be more prone to defensiveness, as they may feel any criticism threatens their worth.
These men are more fragile than most people would believe; it’s only their romantic partners or families of these men who know just how insecure they are. If you want to feel frustrated regularly in your relationship, date someone who is insecure and defensive.
As frustrating as insecure men can be when you date them, please remember to view the problem through a lens of empathy. In other words, remember that no one wants to feel the way that an insecure man feels, and that the poor guy hasn’t quite figured out how to “be” yet in his life.
If you start dating an insecure man, don’t play therapist and psychoanalyze him: “I think these are your insecurities.” Instead of turning him into your patient, say this instead: “I think you’re awesome, and I think you’re fine as is. But if you don’t feel like that, you could always go talk to someone for a few sessions.” What he does with that suggestion is something that only he can control.
Dr. Seth Meyers is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and TV guest expert. He treats a wide range of issues and disorders and specializes in relationships and parenting. He is the author of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome and Find the Love You Deserve.
