Wanting To Be ‘Heard, Felt, And Seen’ Is A Toxic Trait, Says A Therapist
It's in those uncomfortable moments that we truly figure ourselves out.
Jose Calsina | Shutterstock When it comes to the people that we surround ourselves with, we strive to have a community that makes us feel validated and safe. We've always been told that if someone is constantly disrupting our nervous system and making us feel small, we shouldn't allow that person to have access to us.
While that is true, a therapist named Raquel Hopkins insisted that there's still value in being in rooms where we aren't the center of attention. Constantly running from environments where we aren't "heard, felt, and seen" isn't actually doing us any favors. In fact, Hopkins said the need for those constant acknowledgments is actually a toxic trait.
A therapist explained why wanting to be 'heard, felt, and seen' is a toxic trait.
"So what I believe is the most toxic trait today is wanting to be felt, heard, and seen, right?" Hopkins began in her TikTok video. "It's not because we don't deserve to be understood, but because of this relentless need for what it is, which is external validation."
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The therapist said that this constant need for external validation eventually erodes a person's resilience.
Every time something feels uncomfortable, it's often labeled as a threat to our mental health, and while there are definitely some circumstances and situations where that rings true, not every uncomfortable moment should be categorized as trauma.
Other experts agree. In an article written for Psychology Today, licensed clinical social worker Nancy Colier explained, "Discomfort is one of the most important experiences we encounter as human beings. By avoiding and correcting situations that make us feel uncomfortable, we’re fixing a feeling that, while maybe not easy or pleasant, is also profoundly necessary to our well-being."
Hopkins insisted that the real issue and the damage to our mental health is not being able to differentiate between genuine trauma or threats and opportunities for growth. The overuse of therapy speak is holding many people back from experiencing moments that will better them and create a more well-rounded person.
While it may be comforting to surround ourselves only with people who regulate our nervous systems, life doesn't work like that. As Colier wrote, "Life is uncomfortable. Rejecting that basic reality creates an impossible expectation that will make us that much more uncomfortable."
Sometimes, we're forced to exist in spaces where we have to work a bit harder, whether that's dealing with a co-worker who doesn't "get" you, a family member who doesn't understand the boundaries being established, or situations where someone else isn't validating our emotions. Hopkins emphasized that no one should be responsible for regulating our nervous systems but ourselves.
The therapist pointed out that the overuse of words like 'mental health' has created a culture where discomfort is 'demonized.'
"We're losing the ability to thrive," she continued. "This is why I speak so much about capacity. Because it's rooted in developing us as adults to be able to handle the modern day world as it is, not as we wish it to be."
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There's nothing wrong with being in relationships that make you feel safe; that's still vital for a person's well-being. But avoiding those uncomfortable moments altogether doesn't make you strong. Instead, they make you dependent, Hopkins stressed. The important thing is learning how to validate your own emotions and feelings in instances when you're not getting it from someone else.
The only way that we can truly learn how to navigate conflict is by experiencing it and learning the right coping mechanisms. If we're constantly trying to avoid those uncomfortable moments, we're only doing ourselves a disservice in the end.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.