7 Subtle Signs A Man Is Not A Good Person From The Start, According To Psychology
If a man does any of these things on a date, run.
stockfour | Canva Rude to your server? Checks his texts constantly? Can't stop talking about his ex? All clear signs he’s bad boyfriend material. But dating experts agree that there are plenty of subtle signals that can be just as big red flags — if you know what to look for.
Here are 7 subtle signs a man is not a good person from the start, according to psychology:
1. He's too flattering
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You know you look hot, and that a "you're beautiful" or under-his-breath "wow" as you walk through the door is genuine. But if he constantly says that you're the most gorgeous, the most intelligent, the most interesting woman he's ever met — and you haven't even finished your first drink — it may be a sign that he's manipulative, warns Patti Feinstein, a Chicago-based dating coach.
After all, you are awesome, but he doesn't know you well enough to know that yet. "He's using the compliments to make you let your guard down. He wants you to think he's Mr. Right, right away, so you won't be as objective about whether or not it's the right fit as you would have been if he'd been more down to earth," she explains.
2. He over-tips
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Sure, it may seem better than throwing down 10 percent, but if he flashes big bills or puts down much more than 20 percent for average service, it's not great, warns Feinstein. "It could mean he's a narcissist. He wants to look like he's a big shot, and cares more about how he looks than a genuine connection," Feinstein explains.
A 2009 nationally representative sample of 35,000 Americans found that 6 percent of Americans (1 out of 16) had a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) at some point in their lives. Most of us know at least one narcissist — some of us are related to one, some of us were in a relationship or had married one, and some of us are or were friends with one.
3. He reveals the bar is a block away from his apartment
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He may have picked a dimly lit, romantic wine bar, but your antennae should go up if it's very close to where he lives, warns Mike Goldstein, founder of EZ Dating Coach, a New Jersey-based dating service.
It’s not that it's his grand plan to bring you back to his apartment (although he may have that in the back of his mind) it's that he's making things easy for him, without taking your commute into account, explains Goldstein. It's no big deal if it happens once (hey, that bar was pretty clutch) but if you're always the one doing the traveling, it's a sign that he's a little self-centered.
Self-centered people often want things done their way. They may have difficulty compromising and doing things someone else's way. For instance, they typically won’t let anyone else pick the movie or restaurant, says Dr. Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist.
4. He's a regular at the bar you're at
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The bartender, server, and table next to the two of you all know his name. It may seem sweet, but it could be a way for his subtly asserting control. “It’s not the neutral territory, which puts you at a disadvantage. It may mean that it’ll always be doing things his way,” says Feinstein. If he pulls this move, but you still like him, insist you pick the spot for date number two.
An article from The Daily Meal suggested men shouldn't take their dates to their usual hangouts. It's cool if you know the bartender where you end up going — having an ally behind the bar may be a plus, but you don't want to walk in and have everyone there shout a greeting. It's difficult to have an intimate conversation with a new friend when all the barflies you know are coming up and reminding you of your less-than-favorable moments.
5. He badmouths his boss
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Everyone has bad days, but experts agree it's best to beware of someone who spends the majority of a first date complaining. Even if his stories about his dysfunctional office make you laugh, his choosing to focus on the negative is a sign of how the majority of conversations will go down in the future, if you keep dating.
Studies by the Association for Psychological Science have shown that when men feel that their gender identity is being questioned or threatened, they are much more likely than women to respond by reasserting that identity through aggressive thoughts and harmful, toxic behaviors. A wealth of research has shown that masculinity is among the most fragile of identities, so precarious that even seemingly minor threats can push otherwise-ethical men to lie, cheat, harass, and even commit assault, all in an attempt to prove that they’re “real men.”
6. He suggests shots
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Along with talking about his frat and telling stories about wild adventures he and his drinking buddies have had, ordering shots is a sign that he may not be ready to settle down, warns Goldstein. He could be a lot of fun to hang out with, but he may not be relationship material yet.
Findings from a 2022 study indicate a significant positive relationship between mate value and relationship satisfaction for both women and men. This finding is somewhat consistent with the findings from prior research, which reported that relationship satisfaction is positively associated with women’s perception of their partner’s mate value. Research shows that mate value discrepancy affects relationship satisfaction, communication commitment, and mate retention behaviors.
7. He's not nervous
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It's a first date, and chances are, something awkward will happen. But if he seems chilled out from the very first hello, it may be a sign that he's way too into himself, warns Feinstein. "A few awkward moments mean that you're both invested; that you both want to put your best foot forward for the other person," explains Feinstein.
Overconfidence has a potential downside: appearing arrogant. Research from the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin shows that although overconfidence can benefit a relationship-seeker, perceived desirability drops if the individual is perceived as arrogant.
Anna Davies is a content marketing specialist who has appeared in the New York Post, New York Magazine, Time Out New York, SELF Magazine, Refinery29, and more.