9 Signs Someone Is In Self-Sabotage Mode, According To Psychology
Don't trade short-term highs for long-term happiness.
stock_colors | Canva Among my clients, I see many people who are stressed and overwhelmed or just apathetic and unhappy. I found 9 common things that people do that undercut their potential to be happy. All of these activities may feel okay in the short term, but in the long term, they limit your ability to make the most out of the one life that you get.
Here are 9 signs someone is in self-sabotage mode, according to psychology:
1. Not sleeping
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Yes, I am all for quality time with your spouse or kids, but let’s be honest, that’s not why you’re up till midnight (and then up again at 6 am). It’s usually one of the following: messing around on the internet, watching TV, or doing housework.
I don’t think any of these things are worth missing sleep for (and I will elaborate on each of these below as well) since sleep is so important for health, mood, weight management, psychological health, and more.
When you don’t sleep, you’re irritable, you can’t accomplish much, you snack on bad food, and depression and anxiety can get worse. You owe it to yourself to go upstairs by 10 or 10:30 and then no electronic devices in bed because they can mess up your sleep, too.
2. Watching way too much TV
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You would never let your kids watch as much TV as you do, and it still counts if it’s in the background when you’re “doing other things.” The average American adult watches 4 hours of TV a day yet still says they have no time to exercise.
From my perspective as a couples therapist, many couples spend a lot of time together watching TV, yet still feel distant and detached, because they aren’t interacting during this time. I would say an hour a day of watching TV together (and talking about it!) would be something to aim for, and no more, even as background noise.
3. Eating junk
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I understand the pull to eat mindlessly, but it is so bad in the long term. Sugar has been shown by research to lead to obesity, fatigue, and even cardiovascular disease.
Getting into a routine where you eat whole foods and not processed ones may be challenging at first, but your health, mood, and energy levels will all benefit from a focus on eating this way. I enjoy eating low-carb now, but whatever you choose, try to avoid processed foods with sugar.
4. Not making time for exercise
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Exercise is equivalent to anti-depressants when it comes to controlling depression. I understand very well how hard it can be to find the time to exercise since I have three small kids, one of whom still wakes up multiple times a night, and work. However, the effects of exercise on psychological and physical health, per research, cannot be overstated.
Even if it’s just 2–3 times a week, try to give yourself the gift of regular exercise (where you work up a sweat and are out of breath- not a slow walk around the block- it just won’t have the same effect on your health). Running a half hour 3 times a week is only 1.5 hours out of your life and is immeasurably helpful. And if you’re a SAHM without childcare, try and find a Stroller Strides group!
5. Keeping a filthy house
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I wonder how many people could afford a bimonthly cleaning service if they allocated money differently, or how many husbands and kids could be entreated to help with chores if it was a family activity once per week.
And aside from this once-weekly or once-every-other-week cleaning, what would it be like not to worry about how clean the house is? It would probably free you up for many other genuinely enjoyable and relaxing activities, such as exercise, cooking, hobbies, and so forth.
6. Worrying excessively
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If your kids cannot entertain themselves, you are going to have a long road ahead of you as a parent. The goal is to be able to live your own life in the presence of your kids, at least some of the time.
Child-centered marriages are in danger of falling apart more than marriages where both spouses’ needs are taken into account and in fact, take priority over children’s desires.
I am also personally very averse to the idea of allowing parental anxiety to overshadow your and your children’s lives. If you worry about your children daily, and this leads to an overall feeling of anxiety, and discomfort, and impacts your mood, it is time to seek professional help to address this issue.
7. Waiting for your spouse to read your mind
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This one is big in couples' work. It would be great if all couples were so attuned that they didn’t need to express themselves directly to each other, but it would also be great if I had a money tree in my backyard.
These are both fantasies and as soon as you can accept and move past the idea that your spouse should read your mind, the better you and your marriage will be. The best course of action is to express yourself directly and ask to get your needs met, while also empathizing with your partner’s perspective. If this doesn’t work, try couples counseling.
8. Letting intrusive or rude family members ruin your day/holiday/life
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Another common problem I see in therapy is allowing toxic family members to deeply impact your psychological well-being and self-image. There needs to be a way that you (and your spouse, if it’s in-laws) decide to deal with these issues.
It must involve not taking these behaviors or remarks personally and setting either physical or psychological boundaries (physical example: we only see parents once per week; psychological example: acknowledge my mother is narcissistic and nothing she says needs to impact how I feel about myself).
9. Wishing you were different
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This is the most important one of all. Yes, there are many positive ways to change yourself, but none of these can even happen until you accept where and who you are right now. Even if you grew up without acceptance, you can love yourself now and accept that you are a valuable and worthwhile person at your core. If you need therapy to help with this, then do it now. You owe it to yourself.
These ten things can sap your ability to fully appreciate, enjoy, and engage with life. If you find yourself doing too many of them, please try to introspect as to why and how you can work on them. Life is too short to do things that don’t help you live to the fullest.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.