5 Red Flags That A Man’s Interest In You Has Turned Into A Disturbing Pattern Of Obsession
How to understand when charming behavior devolves into creepy.
Fady Hany | Pexels If you smell the slightest whiff of stalking after you’ve met or started dating someone, alert your friends about your concerns and proceed with caution. There are several examples of obsessive stalking behavior, and each type means that you could find yourself in trouble if you get too close to this person.
Anyone can be an obsessive stalker, from the quietest girl to the friendliest guy. Both men and women can be stalkers, and they come from every ethnicity, social type, and financial demographic. Don’t fall prey to the myth that stalkers are weird, off-putting types because the most popular guy at work or the sweetest-seeming woman at the party can turn out to be very obsessive and dangerous.
Here are the red flags that a man's interest in you has turned into a pattern of obsession:
1. He's intense
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Though obsessive stalkers may look different on the surface, they all share one critical characteristic: they are intense people. When they set their sights on you, they have made a decision that you are the one they want, at least for the moment.
Stalkers make and sustain strong eye contact in a way that can feel predatory. At first, being looked at like that can feel good because you’re getting a wave of intense attention. However, you must understand that there is often a much darker side to that kind of intensity.
Stalkers work hard to convince you that the two of you have a strong, almost divine emotional connection and that the two of you are meant to be together.
2. He obtains details about you before you’ve provided them
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Obsessive stalkers are a lot like detectives in that they make it their mission to get as much information about a person as possible. Stalkers will ask anyone they know or meet for details about you once they’ve developed an obsession with you. They also spend a great deal of time researching their targets, far beyond the usual search engine investigation or perusal of social media sites.
Stalkers want to know everything immediately: where you live, where you go to the gym, where you work, which transportation methods or routes you take to work, and with whom you socialize. Stalkers often slip up when they’re dating someone early on by divulging a personal detail they know about you, before they should know it.
Psychologists like H. Colleen Sinclair have identified a continuum between normal courtship and stalking, with the key difference being the frequency and degree of behaviors. Initially, there might be normal efforts to form a relationship, like flirting and attentive communication. However, if these efforts escalate to surveillance, monitoring, and controlling behaviors, it could indicate a shift toward obsession.
3. He asks you extremely specific questions about photos or messages you post online
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Social media is a feeding ground for obsessive stalkers. They will study your accounts and check them multiple times throughout the day. Stalkers are motivated by the quest for control, and getting as much information about you as possible makes them feel that they have more control over you.
When someone you’ve started dating asks you more than once about a particular person you took a picture with, or about the location you were in when you posted something, you need to seriously evaluate whether the person you’re dating has stalker tendencies.
Research suggests that persistent and intrusive interest in another person's online presence and exceptionally detailed questions about their posts can indicate limerence or obsessive behaviors. These behaviors are often rooted in a desire for attention, validation, and a feeling of being 'special' to the person.
4. He stops by unannounced even after you said you had plans
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The dropping-by-unannounced behavior makes targets the most nervous and is one of the major signs he's an obsessive stalker. Often, your logic goes like this: “Yeah, I’m happy to see you, but didn’t I tell you that I was hanging out with my friend?”
You feel confused, but you also feel nervous because, deep down, your instincts are telling you that this is aggressive behavior — just showing up when you already told him you had plans — and that your boundaries and privacy are not being respected. Stalkers don’t just drop by your home; they show up at work, your friends’ houses, or anywhere else they believe they might be able to find you.
Research suggests that repeatedly ignoring boundaries, like showing up unannounced after being told of other plans, can be a sign of obsessive love disorder. This behavior can indicate an unhealthy level of attraction and focus on the individual, potentially leading to possessiveness, jealousy, and controlling tendencies.
5. When angered, he gives you a creepy feeling that you couldn’t get away if you tried
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Obsessive stalkers want to have you all to themselves. They don’t want to share you with friends or anyone else. If this person starts to get the feeling that you are pulling away, the stalker kicks into overdrive because he/she is terrified that abandonment will soon follow.
If you show a little too much independence, the stalker will try to get you to cancel any plans or take him/her with you, regardless of where you’re going. If you draw a boundary and say “no,” the stalker then uses physical intimidation to get you to do what he/she wants. They may grab or touch you aggressively, or stand close to you in a way that crowds you and makes you afraid that you can’t get away.
Always alert your neighbors, friends, and family if you start dating someone who has somehow made you a little nervous. Once you realize that you feel unsettled about something your date has done, don’t arrange to be alone with them or travel away from your home with them.
If you start dating someone who shows a single sign or multiple ones, don’t be afraid to call the police to report it. A call to the police station or going to the nearest station yourself can help bring you much-needed emotional support, and the police can provide you with resources and tips specific to your (scary) situation.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Dr. Seth Meyers is a licensed clinical psychologist, author, and TV guest expert. He has had extensive training in conducting couples therapy and is the author of Dr. Seth's Love Prescription: Overcome Relationship Repetition Syndrome.
