5 Reasons A Great Woman Might Not Have Any Friends, According To A Friendship Expert
These reasons can vary based on personal circumstances, social dynamics, and individual personalities.
F01 PHOTO | Shutterstock Women know all too well that you can be the most vibrant and extroverted person in the room yet the loneliest behind closed doors. When we see a woman who is often by herself with no friends by her side, we may assume that she is awkward and unkind. However, the reasons go much deeper than that. According to one friendship expert, there are completely valid reasons why even some of the kindest women have difficulty maintaining friendships.
Danielle Bayard Jackson, who specializes in studying the dynamics of female friendships, took to TikTok to explain why women who have the biggest hearts might not have many friends.
“Oftentimes when I hear discourse on this subject, the reasons we attribute to that situation are like, she's a man stealer, she's rude, she's mean, she's awful, or she's weird and strange, or she's drama,” Jackson said. While she said that these can certainly be factors in why some women have trouble making and keeping friends, this is not always the case.
She delved into some of the possible reasons women might distance themselves from their fellow females.
The friendship expert shared 5 reasons a great woman might not have any friends:
1. They are leaving all-consuming situations
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This often applies to women who are overwhelmed by life’s moments, including getting married, getting a new job, or having kids. They simply do not have the same time to meet up with their girlfriends as they used to.
“I've seen women who go into a total hole during motherhood, especially when their child is young, or they are in a very demanding job, and it becomes all-consuming,” Jackson said. “While they might have social connections, they have no friends because that requires nurturing.”
By the time they had more free time, most of their friends had already moved on since their efforts hadn't been reciprocated.
According to data from the American Survey Center, around 59% of people report losing touch with at least a few friends, with a significant portion of married women stating they have lost some friends after marriage. In a 2018 survey, 54% of new mothers admitted that they felt “friendless” once they became parents.
While it can be hard to continue a friendship with someone who does not put in the same effort as you do, it is important to note that it is not always done intentionally. Some women have so much going on in their lives that they can barely keep their heads above water.
2. They move out of town
Like starting a family or getting a new job, a move is a major life change that can distance women from their existing friends (literally, physically, and emotionally). “They're friendless in that area because of that particular life transition. They're in a completely new place and kind of have to start from scratch,” Jackson explained.
For some women, the thought of having to go out and make new friends while they are tackling such a big adjustment seems more trouble than it’s worth. They resort to isolating themselves, no matter how lonely they get or how they long to be part of a friend group.
3. They are committed to their work
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These women are typically high achievers and are so focused on conquering the next goal (which is great!) that they may block out everything and everyone else in their lives in order to achieve it.
While Jackson said many of these women may have social connections and “surface level” friendships, they often do not have true friends they can count on. “These are women who are likable and charismatic. They have no shortage of social connections,” Jackson said. But when it comes to friends, they often fall short.
“Whenever they get in a new situation or an opportunity to develop a new friendship, they're leading with their accomplishments,” she said. “They're leading with the brand. They don't know how to operate in the other aspects of what they have to offer and who they are. What becomes their identity is the business entrepreneurship,” Jackson adds.
4. Their romantic partners monopolize their time
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When a woman is swept off her feet by someone she believes to be her Prince Charming, she can sometimes neglect her close friends. She becomes even more isolated from them if her partner takes up the majority of her time.
“If these partners are especially controlling or guilt them for going out with friends or talking to friends … It becomes very isolating,” Jackson said.
“I have a lot of women who come to me after that relationship is over, and they're like, ‘Man, I was so involved in this, and I let this person dictate what I could do, and I realized that my friendships fell off and I haven't been positioning myself since to invite new connections into my life.’”
Research from Oxford University found that women lose an average of two friends when they become deeply involved with a romantic partner. The data suggests that a new romantic partner often "pushes out" two close friends, leaving people with a core group of four relationships, one of which is the new partner.
While it is easy for a woman’s friends to feel forgotten about once she starts dating, her intentions are not always to hurt them. Dating someone eats up a lot of a person’s time they used to spend with their friends, and they simply do not have the same flexibility as they used to.
5. Their taste in friends changes
As we get older, some of our friendships may end at the fault of no one involved. We simply develop new interests, get involved with different people who may have more in common with us, and naturally drift apart from people we swore would be in our wedding party.
“Her tastes are different. Her worldviews have evolved. Her interests have changed, and all of the connections she has were developed within those circumstances, and she realizes that's gonna require her to develop new ties,” Jackson said.
This doesn't necessarily mean that these women grew up to be unpleasant. Like everyone else, they evolved and took on different interests.
Admitting that you have trouble maintaining friendships, no matter how kind and sociable you are, can be daunting for many women, as some people will assume the worst of you. However, it is important to note that forming and maintaining friendships is complex for everyone. This doesn’t mean that these women do not want or deserve friendships.
Often, it is simply a matter of meeting the right people in the right circumstances at the right time.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.