The Reason You Can't Get Past Your Anger? It's Not Actually Anger
When shouting and venting aren't enough, reach a little deeper.
Lucas Suárez | Pexels Anger is an emotion we've all experienced, but not everyone understands. Though not everyone suffers from anger issues, there are so many misconceptions about what anger is and isn’t, so I’m going to let you in on a big secret that’ll help you release your anger and feel calmer and more compassionate.
Anger isn't the core of your problem. It's helplessness.
Let me start with a question first: Is anger a positive or a negative emotion? Well, that’s a trick question. Emotions aren’t positive or negative. And if you think of them that way, you’ll get yourself into trouble because you’ll try to chase the “positive” ones (happiness, love, and pleasure) and avoid the “negative” ones (anger, anxiety, and sadness).
That’s no good. And when you try to control, suppress or chase certain emotions, you end up doing things you shouldn’t (like overeating, unhealthy substances, spending money, and diving into relationships) in your quest to feel only the good and avoid the bad stuff, as supported by an APA study.
Instead, I want you to think of emotions as either being healthy (and moving you forward) or unhealthy and keeping you stuck.
With that mind, understand there are times when "being content" can keep you stuck. For example, have you ever stayed in a relationship or job long past when you should have left? In those instances, contentment may have felt like a positive emotion, but it was keeping you stuck. So, guess what? It’s unhealthy!
rage = anger + helplessness
That brings us to the topic of anger. Anger is a healthy emotion. This fact is even proven by science, as shown in an article in Perspectives in Psychiatric Care. Think about it for a moment: Anger is often very motivating. You know, like when you think your butt looks too big so you get upset and haul yourself to the gym. Or, if you’re upset about the latest political campaign and it motivates you to start working the polls.
The problem is a lot of people think they’re experiencing anger, but what they’re experiencing is rage! And rage is an unhealthy emotion. This is because rage = anger + helplessness.
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It’s the combination of the two that’s the problem, not anger on its own. Feelings of anger come and go. Rage stays with you all day.
A lot of clients come to me and say they have anger issues. In the past, they were told to do things like “count to ten” and “breathe through their feelings.” They end up working with me because this doesn’t work. It didn’t work because they focused on the wrong thing. They were focusing on the anger they felt instead of on the helplessness.
How to feel better when helplessness leads to anger
So, if you want to feel better and change how you feel, you need to shift your attention to the helplessness you're feeling. As luck (or years of therapy) would have it, there’s a quick and very effective way to stop feeling helpless: take action.
If you want to stop feeling helpless, you need to take some form of positive action. No matter how small the step, if you just do one thing, you’ll start to feel different. You’ll start to feel empowered.
For example, let’s say you’re furious at your boss because he treats you unfairly. Maybe he favors another coworker or maybe he’s just always micromanaging you. You feel helpless because you need this job, and whenever you’ve tried to talk to him in the past, he shuts you down.
What you are, in this case, is enraged. If you focus on how angry you are at him and try techniques to stop your anger, it’s not going to work long-term. Instead, start taking action to deal with your feelings of helplessness, as explored in an APA study.
This might mean investigating night classes you can take to earn a degree or get another job. Even though the degree would take a while, you’d feel better once you start that process. Or, maybe you start looking for a new job in the classifieds or within your network. Or, maybe you start documenting all the things your boss does that seem unfair.
It’s about taking your power back.
All of these actions will change your mood. I’m not saying you won’t still feel angry, but you’ll no longer feel helpless. When you get mad, it’ll be fleeting — it will go away and won’t stay like a cloud over you 24/7.
Dr. Abby Medcalf is a relationship mover and motivational speaker who has been helping individuals and couples create happy, connected, and fulfilled relationships for 25 years.