6 Phrases People Often Say When They’re Manipulative Without Realizing It
How many of these are you guilty of?
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Many of us like to think we're good people and don't engage in actions that may hurt others, but that may not always be the case. Sometimes, humans can be manipulative without realizing it. To avoid being an unintending manipulator or being manipulated by someone you trust, there are signs to watch out for, specifically in how people speak.
Often confused with persuasion, the main difference between the two is intent. Persuasion is almost always rooted in reason, whereas manipulation is rooted in self-doubt. That's why it's best to notice the signs before the emotional toll of manipulation can influence how a person thinks and feels.
Here are 6 phrases people often say when they’re manipulative without realizing it:
1. 'I never said that.'
If you're constantly changing what you say, that's manipulation. You don't stick to the facts when explaining what happened, such as what you were doing or where you were. You will change parts of your story to match the narrative you're trying to sell everyone, and you'll leave out parts that may hinder your needs.
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If you find yourself deflecting whenever someone attempts to hold you accountable or notices an inconsistency in your story, that's manipulation, whether or not you want to admit it.
2. 'If you really cared about me, you'd do this for me.'
By using phrases like this, you're making others feel bad about their own actions so that you're able to carry on with whatever actions you see fit. You'll try to make others feel guilty for how they're behaving so they'll let you have your way.
According to Psychology Today, when people use guilt as a means to get what they want, they're engaging in emotional blackmail, which can disrupt relationships and damage others' self-esteem.
What's important to note, however, is that not all guilt is created equal, and authentic guilt is vastly different from the guilt caused by manipulation. Valorie Burton, positive psychology coach and author, told WebMD, “Authentic guilt is an inner compass. When we use it wisely, it helps us make choices we won’t regret later.”
She went on to differentiate that the guilt-trip used in manipulation does not serve us. Adding, “Unlike authentic guilt, false guilt is the feeling you’ve done something wrong even though you haven’t actually done something wrong.”
3. 'Well, remember when you...'
This is just one example of exploiting someone's weakness. It's one thing to be aware of people's insecurities and weaknesses, but leveraging them against others is extremely manipulative. You're taking advantage of things you know they're sensitive about just so that you can have your way.
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4. 'I only acted this way because of what you did to me.'
People who absolve themselves of responsibility have a victim mentality. A victim mentality is one in which someone believes they have no control over their life and any misfortune or trouble is caused by others or outside forces.
According to WebMD, one of the best ways to combat a victim mentality is to take responsibility and own your behavior. Another way is to practice self-care since a victim mentality is often a result of attempting to deal with past trauma.
5. 'Wow, I really like your...'
A sincere compliment is a lovely gift; unfortunately, not all praise comes from a place of honest appreciation. Kissing up is vastly different from flattery and compliments.
You're not complimenting the other person because you genuinely want to; you're doing it to get what you want. The real red flag in this scenario is after the manipulator gets what they want. Often, the compliments and praise get pulled away and can cause inklings of self-doubt.
6. 'Are you sure?'
Confusing others to make them doubt themselves is a form of manipulation because you're purposefully changing their certainty, which allows you to push your own agenda onto them. You may use vague language or mixed messages to aid you in your manipulation.
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The doubt caused by manipulation is often referred to as gaslighting, which is rooted in the victim being unable to rely on their own version of the truth.
The more doubt the manipulator can cause, the more control they can exert. As Medical News Today noted, "It works by breaking down a person’s trust in themselves while increasing how much they trust or depend on the abusive person."
Sahlah Syeda is a writer for YourTango who covers entertainment, news, and human interest topics.