10 Phrases People Use To Act Like A Victim When Someone’s Mad At Them
People who speak to you this way simply don't want to see themselves as responsible for pretty much anything that goes wrong.
GaudiLabs / Shutterstock When in the middle of a conversation, it can feel super confusing when people use phrases to act like a victim when you were the one who was upset. After all, most of us know how important it is to take accountability and apologize when we were the one in the wrong, and we all have times when we are the one in the wrong, so what gives?
For people who are manipulative or downright narcissistic, it can be hard to admit to their wrongdoings. It's sad, but the reality is that their egos are far too fragile to handle a little criticism heading their way. And when someone like that hears you telling them they did something that upset, you're likely to hear one of these phrases used in an attempt to shift blame and paint themselves as the victim.
The 10 phrases people use to act like a victim whenever someone’s upset with them
1. ‘I feel like you’re singling me out’
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When people say they feel like you're singling them out, it's often because they feel backed into a corner with nowhere else to go. Feeling at a loss for words, they'll use this phrase to get a pass from the situation they dug themselves into.
However, just like anything in life, there are consequences for all actions. Just because someone feels attacked, that doesn't mean what the other person said is any less true. At the end of the day, taking accountability is always a must.
According to licensed counselor F. Diane Barth L.C.S.W., taking accountability doesn't mean never making mistakes, but it does mean being aware of your own behavior and making an effort to change it moving forward.
2. ‘I can’t do anything right’
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The next phrase people use to act like a victim when someone's upset with them is, "I can't do anything right." When someone comes up and pours their heart out it can feel like a punch to the heart. But when someone responds with this phrase, they undermine the person who is speaking by being passive aggressive and putting their own emotional needs first.
Feeling rejected often leads to increasing feelings of hurt, anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, loneliness, and more. This is why you shouldn't feel bad if you stop someone in their tracks and call them out for this kind of behavior. Though the reaction may be intense, it can also help to skip the theatrics and get down to the root of the situation.
3. ‘You’re twisting my words’
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Nobody likes to feel like their words are being misinterpreted. When you're having serious discussions with loved ones, you want to feel heard and understood.
Unfortunately, people who say this in order to act like a victim aren't truly being misunderstood, they are actually doing the opposite and purposely misunderstanding what is being said to them.
Feeling called out, manipulators will instantly say that exactly what they said isn't what they meant and that you are twisting their words to make them look bad.
Psychologist Kristy Lee Parkin Ph.D. explains that narcissists love to use manipulation to control the narrative and be the hero. This is because they love to be seen in a positive light and will do whatever it takes to ensure they remain that way. If this means throwing people under the bus, in their eyes, so be it.
RELATED: 10 Common Causes Of Misunderstandings In Relationships
4. ‘Nothing I do is good enough for you’
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The next phrase people use to act like a victim whenever someone's upset with them is, "Nothing I do is good enough for you."
Though it might feel honest or vulnerable in the moment, manipulative people will say this in hopes of stopping criticism from heading their way. It's important to understand that these types of people don't really care to be open and truthful with others. Rather, their main concern is to always keep their ego intact.
A study published in the journal Clinical Neuropsychiatry found that pathological vulnerable narcissists tend to have a weak sense of self. As a result, any hint of criticism is often met with defensiveness. Knowing this, it isn't surprising that these individuals allow their insecurities to get the better of them.
5. ‘So that’s what you think of me?’
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It's important to understand that honesty isn't always pretty. Sometimes it might come with its fair share of pain. However, critical feedback in and of itself doesn't mean that someone dislikes a person or thinks the worst of them. Rather, it can often be used to strengthen a relationship and bring two people closer.
Unfortunately, highly manipulative people don't understand this and take other people's criticisms way too personally. As a result, they'll demean the other person and make them feel bad about opening up to them. This slowly results in contempt building up, which is never a good thing. Research from John Gottman found that contempt is the leading cause of divorce, as it permeates a relationship with negative emotions.
So, unless the other person wants to destroy all of their relationships, sometimes, it's better to stop, take a breather, and listen.
6. ‘I never asked for this’
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Pretty much nobody asks for harsh criticism or bad luck to come their way. It's unfortunate, but sometimes bad situations arise that people have no control over. That said, the way someone reacts to any given situation does matter.
If people choose to react negatively and play victim they'll never learn from their experiences. They'll always play the victim while everyone else is at fault. The amount of stress put on others might cause once-loving relationships to completely crumble. As a result, people will end up more lonely than when they started.
According to a study published in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine, loneliness increases the chances of premature death due to chronic heart risks, higher blood pressure, and cholesterol levels. This showcases just how important socialization and connection are, as well as why it's so important that everyone does their best to maintain healthy relationships.
7. ‘Why are you picking on me?’
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On the surface, it might feel like this person asking this question is simply standing up for themselves. However, questioning someone's actions or intentions and picking on someone are completely different things. Asking something like, "Hey, why did you do this?" doesn't warrant this type of defensiveness.
Unfortunately, people who are highly manipulative and love to play the victim don't understand this. Instead, they'll keep on confronting to avoid addressing the real elephant in the room — their own awful behavior.
8. ‘I was just trying to help’
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Another phrase people use to act like a victim whenever someone’s upset is, "I was just trying to help."
It’s understandable if family or friends get into situations on their loved one's behalf. Wanting the best for them, they believe that by interfering they’re doing their loved one a favor. However, this kind of favor can quickly turn sour if their loved one doesn’t agree or isn’t aware of what the other party has planned. This can lead to feelings of betrayal if the other person isn’t careful.
The difference between a manipulator versus someone with the best intentions is how they choose to take accountability afterward. If they own up to their mistakes and sincerely apologize then this truly shows that they didn’t mean to cause much harm. However, if they utter this defensive line, the other party may want to distance themselves. This individual probably doesn’t care about their feelings and may only be saying this to make themselves appear like the victim.
9. ‘Why can’t you see my side?’
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There’s nothing more infuriating than someone saying, "Why can’t you see my side?" This is especially frustrating after spending way too much time seeing their side of things.
Many people use this line as a last-ditch effort to win an argument. Instead of listening and improving as a person, they’d rather play the victim and argue.
This isn’t only infuriating, but it also completely erases any form of healthy discussion from the conversation as the other person is forced to listen without so much as getting a word in. It's important that people set the groundwork before entering into a possible heated discussion with someone. Otherwise, it's likely to end in disaster.
10. ‘No one else disrespects me like this’
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Respect is important in any civil conversation. Whether it’s a boss someone is talking to or a family member, it’s important to value and be considerate to those around them.
Manipulative people often confuse being upfront with being disrespectful, which isn’t the same. If someone has calmly sat down and respectfully expressed how they’re feeling, this isn’t the same as being disrespectful. Unfortunately, many people don’t care to hear the other side of the story and will chalk things up to disrespect to avoid uncomfortable feelings instead of them, which can be highly problematic, as emotional suppression has been linked to an increase in aggression.
People should do their best to be open and upfront — and how do others choose to react to that? Well, that’ll be on them.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.