Psychology Says People With High Self-Esteem Know 6 Things Other People Don't
Why self-esteem is so misunderstood.
Laura Mogollon | Canva Self-esteem is defined as our subjective evaluation of our worth as a person. Needless to say, it is influenced by how we think others perceive us, too.
Indeed, in a recent poll of my readers, 20% said their self-esteem was influenced even more by how others perceive them than by how they perceive themselves, and 37% said their self-perceptions and others' perceptions were equally important in evaluating their self-esteem.
For all the debate about self-esteem, higher self-esteem is associated with more satisfying relationships, better academic performance, success at work, better emotional, mental, and physical health, and other positive outcomes.
Psychology says people with high self-esteem know six things other people don't:
1. Self-esteem isn't just how we think about our self-worth
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We also have self-esteem in specific domains, such as how we feel about ourselves at work, in relationships, our physical appearance, or our athletic ability.
2. Self-esteem isn't set or stable
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Self-esteem fluctuates daily and fluctuates over time based on our experiences and mental states. It is not a fixed trait but fluctuates based on situations and life events, meaning it is unstable.
A study published in the Journal of Research in Personality showed that it can be significantly impacted by social interactions, personal achievements, and even daily mood swings, highlighting its dynamic nature.
3. Self-esteem doesn't necessarily equate to success or accomplishment
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Too often, it lags far behind, keeping us stuck with the same overly-critical self-perceptions we had in middle school.
We tend to think praise, positive feedback, and the regard of others are what boosts our self-esteem. However, while positive feedback matters and can improve our self-esteem, it only does so if we believe it.
That means that if our self-esteem is low, praise (e.g., I think my artwork is mediocre at best and my friend tells me I'm the new Picasso) will make us feel bad, not good because it's a sharp reminder that we don't believe we're that great.
This is also why people with low self-esteem bristle at compliments — they don't sound believable to their ears.
Improving self-esteem is therefore a delicate matter. You can't just talk yourself into it or have loved ones shower you with praise — you have to first drag your current self-esteem out of the past, boost it, and bring it in line with who you are today.
4. The higher our self-esteem, the worse it may sometimes be
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When self-esteem is too high it can veer into narcissism territory and become brittle and unstable such that it crumbles easily. Low self-esteem isn't good either, of course, which means the upper middle ground is best.
Excessively high self-esteem can have negative consequences, often manifesting as arrogance, entitlement, and a lack of self-awareness. These can harm relationships and social interactions. 2023 research found that individuals with inflated self-esteem may display narcissistic behaviors, including excessive self-centeredness, a need for admiration, and difficulty accepting criticism.
5. Positive affirmations aren't the best ways to boost our self-esteem
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The truth is that they can make us feel worse. Again, praise only works if it's believable to us, and the same goes for positive affirmations.
Looking in the mirror and telling yourself you're beautiful when you don't feel beautiful is likely to make you feel worse.
6. Improving self-esteem without self-awareness may lead to arrogance
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Ironically, this worry is voiced primarily by people who dislike arrogance and value humility, which makes them least likely to go from humble modesty to narcissistic arrogance. Simply trying to improve self-esteem without addressing underlying issues or developing healthy self-awareness can lead to arrogance.
A 2021 survey found that individuals may develop an inflated sense of self-worth without a solid foundation, often overcompensating past feelings of inadequacy. Effective self-esteem-building strategies should focus on developing skills, setting realistic goals, and acknowledging personal achievements while maintaining humility.
But to be clear, if that does happen to you, do let me know. You discovered an even more amazing self-esteem booster, so please share your discovery with others.
Guy Winch is a distinguished psychologist and acclaimed author. His work has been featured in The New York Times and Psychology Today.