People Who Are Emotionally Healthy Have Parents Who Did These 3 Things Daily
Everyone is unique, but these three rules are non-negotiable.
Cookie Studio via Shutterstock When you think of helping children express their feelings, you might think of anger or frustration, showing in the form of meltdowns. But there are other "big" feelings, too, and if parents don't help kids process and express them, they may struggle with emotions into adulthood. That's why people who are emotionally healthy tend to have parents who use three key emotional skills daily.
Regardless of whether you are the parent hoping to raise emotionally healthy kids or the one looking back at your own childhood, there is much to be gained in being tuned in, emotionally, to your own experience. Here
Three things parents wo raise emotionally healthy kids do differently, every single day
1. They help kids identify which feelings are easier or harder to manger
This begins with recognizing that all feelings are acceptable. And that might be easier said than done. For some, that means even feelings like joy and happiness.
Don't believe it? Think about this for a moment. When you were a child, was it okay for you to be joyful? That would mean being loud, giggly, or even acting silly. Was that acceptable behavior in your family?
What about being sad? Were the adults in your home comfortable when you cried? Or did you get the well-intentioned attempt to reassure and soothe, "Don’t cry. Everything will be fine. You'll see!"
And what about worry? Or guilt? Or disappointment? Or even anger?
If you think about it, you’ll probably notice that some feelings were easier to experience or express. Others were sometimes okay, and some where very challenging. Parents who help guide their kids through the whole range of feelings raise more secure kids because no feeling is "bad".
2. They focus on remaining calm to respond rather than react
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Parents who raise emotionally healthy kids know what emotional expressions are likely to trigger their own discomfort. As a result, they’re more aware of their discomfort in these moments and more willing to explore how to find calming strategies that work.
Psychologist Alicia H. Clark advised, "it's possible to calm anxiety and anger even when your physiological threat response is activated. Two of the easiest strategies to implement at the moment you need to calm down quickly are drawing your attention to the here and now, and breathing."
Deliberately practicing staying calm and curious gives children permission and "space" to express their feelings as they need to.
3. They help kids make sense of feelings and work through them
When emotionally engaged parents notice a behavior that seems to be an emotional expression, they give it a name. For instance, laughing and running look like "joy" or happiness. So, they call it what it is.
"You look happy!" tells them that something you see in their behavior communicates that feeling. Or, "You sound happy!" tells them that the way they sound makes you think that they are feeling happy.
They might agree. Or not. Either way, an engaged parent shares their perspective and stays curious about a child's experience, as shown by a series of studies in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Of course, parents may still need to set limits on the behaviors kids use to express those feelings. "Children who can’t stop arguing and, therefore, tend to dominate conversations, can learn to be able to interpret and consider the feelings of others. It’s a journey, and consistency is the key. Parents should find comfort in knowing that all children benefit from patient and nurturing parents," advised parenting coach Caroline Maguire.
Parents who stay calm and listen to try to understand find ways to set those limits to achieve win-win solutions.
Judith Pinto is a parenting expert and coach who helps mothers parent their children of any age and learn to let go of guilt.