Parents Who Have Solid Relationships With Their Adult Children Have These 11 Traits
It's not easy to cultivate a healthy parental relationships into adulthood, but these kinds of people excel at it.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Alongside the changing dynamics, experiences, and stressors of any given family dynamic, it can be incredibly difficult for parents to manage a healthy relationship with their own adult children. Actively unlearning their children's adolescent identity, like psychology expert Peg Streep suggests, is a common qualm amongst parents, and with navigating their adult child's decision-making power and autonomy, finding the right balance between supportive and overbearing is no easy feat.
Of course, there are several traits of parents who have solid relationships with their adult children that help to make finding that balance much easier. Whether it's navigating conflict, being a shoulder to cry on, or giving advice, the healthiest parents aren't "perfect," they're just consistent.
Here are the 11 traits of parents who have solid relationships with their adult children
1. They're trustworthy
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Whether it's the kind of reassurance that protects your sanity during the holidays or the security of having genuine emotional support in your parents, being an adult child of a truly mature, trustworthy parent can make all the difference in a healthy relationship.
You know that they'll never sell out your secrets for attention, blackmail you with your own confessions, or judge you for simply expressing their emotions — not just because they expect the same from you as their child, but because they recognize the power trust holds in a healthy relationship.
However, this kind of unwavering trust isn't something parents can cultivate overnight in their relationships with adult children — it starts early in life. According to a study published in the Journal of Adolescence, the basis of this parental trust is knowledge; when parents know how their kids feel, their decision-making processes, values, and what they're doing, they can learn to trust their kids over time.
2. They respect their children's boundaries
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In her book "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin," author Anne Katherine explains that healthy boundaries are the keys to harnessing balanced family dynamics and relationships into adulthood, even if it feels uncomfortable to set and reassert them.
Even if boundaries weren't necessarily discussed growing up, it's never too late to advocate for your own needs and emotional health — whether you're a parent or an adult child. Everyone wants to feel heard, loved, supported, and understood, and for parents and their adult children, carving space for everyone to feel that way starts with boundaries.
3. They're flexible and open to change
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Especially as their adult children learn and grow into their new lives, careers, identities, and relationships, there's a foundational level of grace and flexibility their parents need to adopt to protect their own emotional well-being, as well as their kids. Being flexible doesn't just mean parents are adaptable to change and willing to help out at inconvenient times, although those things are equally important. It's also an emotional and psychological kind of flexibility.
According to clinical psychologist Diana Hill, being a psychologically flexible parent simply means you're willing to be empathetic — listening to your adult children and providing support even when you don't agree or are struggling yourself. It doesn't mean completely disregarding your own needs and desires, but setting appropriate boundaries for when you're willing to set your own stressors aside for the sake of your relationship.
4. They're empathetic
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Empathetic parents raising young children equip their kids with important skills like emotional intelligence and honest communication that set them up for success with their adult relationships and personal development. So, while empathy might be a generally selfless personality trait of parents who have strong relationships with their adult children, their commitment to an empathetic parenting style genuinely benefits them when their kids enter into adulthood.
Parent coach and psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein argues that this empathy fuels the mutual understanding, validation, and communication that's ingrained into the healthiest of familial relationships, even amid the additional stressors and anxieties an adult child experiences coupled with a changing family dynamic.
5. They value small moments of gratitude
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While it's natural for families to experience separation into adulthood, many parents are forced to grow through an inherent separation from their adult children, and vice versa, as they start their own lives, relationships, and careers. All the wholesome conversations, quality time, and shared space they'd conveniently enjoyed for decades is now compact into a few short days over the holidays or scheduled into a weekend.
Healthy parents, despite yearning for both quality and quantity of time with their kids, respect this inherent distance from their adult children — whether it's literally, by not showing up announced, or figuratively, by not offering unprompted advice or unnecessary criticism. They value the small moments, when they can express gratitude to their kids and appreciate their presence without harshness or judgment.
6. They're emotionally consistent
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Being emotionally consistent in any kind of relationship lays a secure foundation for both parties — giving them each the space to express their own emotions, communicate honestly, and feel safe in their connection. Parents who are emotionally consistent help to breed healthy attachment styles in their kids that not only support their family dynamics, but protect their emotional health and well-being in adulthood.
A review from Psychological Reports attributes this kind of emotional consistency not just to a parent's ability to show up emotionally for their adult kids, but to show up for themselves. Parents who learn their own emotional regulation skills and emotional intelligence will be more balanced and supportive to everyone in their life, compared to those that continuously suppress and ignore.
7. They're reliable
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Outside of emotional stability and security, healthy parents commit to reliability for their adult children, even if it means showing up on time or helping them with a task. Their children were never forced to adopt anxious attachment styles at the hands of their parents' inconsistencies, but instead grew into a healthy mindset where they could rely on their parents when they struggled.
Of course, healthy parenting revolves around this inherent supportiveness and reliability. A study published by the DMIHER School of Epidemiology and Public Health even revealed that rates of depression greatly decrease in children with supportive parents who not only emotionally support their children, but physically show up for them as well, even into adulthood.
8. They're open-minded and accepting
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Many adult children hold onto a great deal of resentment towards their parents for having unmet emotional needs, a kind of uncomfortable and irreplaceable emotion that lingers well into adulthood and mature relationships. Either they struggled to get attention from their parents, leaving them feeling unheard or underappreciated, or they felt generally unloved because of a facet of their identity or personhood.
Healthy parents, especially of adult children, remove themselves from the judgement and unnecessarily critical mindsets toxic parents tend to rely on, instead opening their minds up to change and vulnerability. By accepting their own identity and prioritizing their own emotional health, they can do the same for their own kids, celebrating their authenticity and genuinity into adulthood.
9. They're great listeners
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According to a study from the Journal of Humanistic Psychology, partners, friends, parents, and children feel most heard in relationships where a safe space has been established for active listening, open conversations, and genuine vulnerability. Healthy parents start cultivating that open and honest atmosphere early in their kids' lives, equipping them with the emotional intelligence and communication skills necessarily for healthy relationships later in life.
Not only does this provide their relationship a venue to express concerns, find support, and resolve conflict, it keeps both parents and their children from feeling misunderstood or resentful.
10. They take accountability for their mistakes
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Along with genuinely listening and expressing empathy to their adult children, even during an argument or conflict, healthy parents also take accountability for their mistakes. Instead of blame-shifting or trying to adopt a victim mentality, they own up to their mistakes, hurtful behaviors, and toxic coping mechanisms, even when it's uncomfortable.
According to Cleveland Clinic psychologist Chivonna Childs, this tendency to blame-shift is one of the most common signs of a toxic parent, especially one who constantly alienates their adult children and avoids true accountability. Without a foundation of trust and understanding, adult children can never fully open up to their parents or expect them to support them when they're struggling or needing validation.
11. They're affectionate
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Licensed psychologist Akilah Reynolds, PhD argues that children who don't receive the necessary affection and affirmation from their parents in childhood often experience higher rates of depression and loneliness than their peers with outwardly loving parents.
Even if it's expressing gratitude, giving them a hug, or expressing affection to their partner in front of their kids, this kind of affection can be incredibly important for forcing healthy bonds within a family.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.