5 Peace-Making Tactics To Not Let Politics Ruin A Good Friendship Or Marriage
How to avoid letting political differences wreck your relationship.
Dean Drobot | Canva We live in highly polarizing times. Political acrimony is not new, but it may be stronger than in the past because of both increased social disconnection in communities and the polarization of viewpoints caused by how we consume media.
To compound these forces, couples are more likely than ever before to meet outside of close social networks (e.g., family, friends, work), meet online, or use dating apps. Instead, it's more likely than in the past that two people meet—and fall in love—without growing up with the same social or cultural influences. That means more and more couples need to navigate the kinds of differences in core values that underlie political conflicts.
We've just published a relationship skills book called Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Building a Lasting Love that addresses these and other types of challenges that couples face today. If you and your partner are struggling over politics, what can you do about it?
Here are 5 peace-making tactics to not let politics ruin a friendship or marriage:
1. Respect and validate your differences
Studies from the Pew Research Center have shown that people are quick to assume that those holding different political views are morally inferior. The partisan (in-group) instincts are so great that it is hard to take someone having a different view as anything other than ignorant or even evil. That's bad enough in our society but it's deadly for your relationship.
It takes trust and effort not to allow political differences to infect your relationship. As relationship expert John Gottman has long argued, having (and showing) contempt for one's partner is one of the most destructive forces in a relationship.
Based on work by co-author of our new book Howard Markman and his colleague Clifford Notarius, we've long noted how much more powerful (negatively, so) invalidation is than validation. Put downs, snark, and snarling may get views on cable TV and social media, but they are also among the most destructive patterns between partners.
One of the ways to counter invalidation—and therefore contempt—is to seek to validate the other's viewpoint. That does not mean agreement. It means respecting each other and showing it.
Geo Martinez | Shutterstock
2. If you choose to talk about politics, talk without being combative
Seek to understand and know the interior life of your partner genuinely. Your differences are not nearly as important as how you handle them. If handled well, your differences can be part of a deeper intimacy.
Listen. Express your views without the put-downs common to societal political discourse. In our book, Fighting for Your Marriage, we teach something called the Speaker Listener Technique. The method adds structure to a conversation to ensure both partners get to talk and be heard, with turn-taking and respect. How does that work?
Pick some object to represent “the Floor.” Whoever has the Floor at any given moment is the Speaker and the other person is the Listener. Having that clear at any given moment in a conversation can change a lot. When you are the Listener, focus on letting your partner know that you are listening by letting them know what you heard, such as, “You strongly believe that it’s bad policy to [fill in the blank].”
In the flow of such a conversation style, the Speaker might say one or two things that the Listener paraphrases and then you switch roles, and now it’s the Listener’s turn to say a few things with the other partner now focusing on listening. And on you go, frequently moving the Floor back and forth between you (because neither of you is looking for a convention speech). You might be thinking, “That’s so unnatural.” In reply, we like to note that being “natural” is over-rated when it comes to nasty arguments.
3. Watch your media diet
It may help if manage your media diet so you don’t continually reinforce one-sided, hyped-up political differences. It is also useful to occasionally listen to what the other side is saying, with an openness to learning how others see the same world. Keep in mind that the fate of the world (most likely) does not depend on the two of you voting the same way.
4. Keep the positive connection alive and well
Limiting the damage of negatives in a relationship is crucial because they are so potent. Therefore, one of the best ways a couple can minimize these effects is to keep their positive connections—the fun, friendship, sensuality, and all the other good stuff—alive and well. Double down on doing the things you love doing together, and unless political themes are delightful for the two of you to talk about, keep that stuff and other conflicts off limits during these times.
Taking a leisurely walk? Talk about anything but politics. Notice the birds and the flowers. Sitting down together and enjoying a cup of coffee? Talk about the latest show you are streaming that's not Fox News or MSNBC.
Arthur Ogleznev | Pexels
5. If all else fails, just don't go there
Some couples find intimacy and connection from their political (and other) differences. That might not be the two of you. If you cannot show respect for your differences and/or engage around them in a way that is good or even fun, just don't touch the subject. The world will not end because the two of you did not come to come agreement on social policy or foreign affairs. Honestly, we are pretty sure about this point.
You can set a ground rule to keep politics off limits as a subject between the two of you. That may include an agreement for each of you not to have political shows when the other is in the room. Watching the latest vitriol between talking heads on TV with your partner in the room is a lot like eating some snack that your partner finds disgusting, in front of them.
Bottom line? You can decide how you will handle your political differences rather than sliding into wrecking what you have built together. Something more important is at stake than this upcoming election, and that’s your future together.
Scott M. Stanley, PhD, is a research professor at the University of Denver, specializing in research on commitment, relationship development, and prevention. He has been involved in the development of PREP for over 30 years.
Galena K. Rhoades, PhD, is a research professor and the director of the Institute for Relationship Science in the Department of Psychology at the University of Denver. She also founded a nonprofit in Denver called Thriving Families and is a practicing clinical psychologist.
Howard J. Markman, PhD, is a distinguished professor of psychology at the University of Denver and the founder of the internationally known evidence-based couples relationship education program, PREP (Prevention and Relationship Education Program).
Janice R. Levine, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who specializes in couples relationships and family development. She is the co-author of three books, the founder of The Couples Health Program, and is featured as a Top Doc in the Best in Massachusetts magazine.