Mom Refuses To Let Her Kids Socialize With Two ‘Frugal To A Fault’ Families Who ‘Never Offer To Pay For Anything’
”They are lovely people but the lack of reciprocal behavior has reached a level that I can’t keep socializing with them."
Drazen Zigic / Shutterstock A frustrated mother shed light on a parenting dilemma not discussed nearly enough. She sought advice on handling two “frugal” families who never reciprocated financially during playdates.
People had interesting takes on the subject, with some believing that no matter how frugal some people are, they should always extend the same effort others give them. Others argued that it is not always money that prevents them from reciprocating.
The mother cut contact with two ‘frugal to a fault’ families who ‘never offer to pay for anything.’
Sharing her dilemma to the subreddit r/Frugal, the mother said that while she “admires frugality,” she knows two families who “take it to the extreme.”
The families expected other parents to entertain their children by having them over to play and never bothered to reciprocate. They also never offered to pay other families when they took their children out for dinner or to an amusement park.
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“Going forward, we aren’t reaching out [to them],” the mother wrote.
”They are lovely people but the lack of reciprocal behavior has reached a level that I can’t keep socializing with them. I guess we will see if they miss us enough to make an effort.”
The mother shared that she was having a hard time understanding why they refused to make the same effort others make for them and their children.
“Anyone relate? Or maybe you’re the family that accepts play dates and entertainment but never reciprocates. I would really love to hear from you because I just don’t understand,” she wrote.
Redditors had a variety of opinions on the matter.
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Some argued that finances shouldn't impact inviting kids over for play dates.
Dinners out can be expensive when you're paying for kids that aren't your own, but having a few friends over for dinner or even just for a date to the playground seems doable regardless of economic status.
“I always say that you should match the same energy to people that they give to you. If they treat you or your kids to dinner, you treat them back,” one Redditor commented.
“Frugality has nothing to do with reciprocation. You can easily just have your friends’ kids over for a homemade dinner and have them play in the yard for a few hours in order to reciprocate,” another user noted.
There could be many reasons why some families do not reciprocate.
“They may have a messy home or difficult family dynamic, or perhaps simply socially awkward,” one Redditor suggested. “ I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt and would not immediately have attributed it to them using your generosity for free childcare.”
“My family basically never reciprocated this kind of stuff because things at home were chaotic. There was alcoholism, plus we were deeply ashamed at the state of our house (super outdated, falling apart, etc.) This definitely had a negative impact on my childhood friendships and my ability to socialize in general,” another user shared. “Please don’t let this cause a rift in your child’s friendships.”
According to the Pew Research Center, 40% of parents are concerned about their children's mental health, and 35% worry about their kids being bullied. With numbers that high, it's no wonder that reciprocity might be an issue in some kid friendships. Imagine what a parent goes through if their house is not as nice, their car is old, or their family dinner splurge is fast food.
One Redditor even highlighted how reciprocation is a flawed concept.
“I don't do things because I expect things in return. That's like giving a gift and being pissed off that you didn't get something back,” they wrote. “I invite people because I want to see them, share my cooking with them, have a few beers and a glass of whiskey with them… I don't see people never reciprocating my invitations as rude.” (But please, when you have your kids’ friends over don’t crack a cold one open with them).
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“You shouldn't be offering to give things if you will feel resentful if it’s not reciprocated. That’s a boundary problem on your end,” another user noted. “Try doing only inexpensive stuff for a while. Invite them over for a game night or a homemade dinner, or take your kids to the park together and see how that feels.”
“Maybe they are cheap moochers, or maybe they really are struggling financially and assumed you were offering to be kind, not to get something out of them in return.”
Between working, parenting, and keeping up with everything going on in their personal lives, some parents do not even have a moment to breathe, let alone invite their kids’ friends over or take them out to dinner.
So when you feel like you or your kids are being overlooked by the friends who never invite them or you out to dinner, the park or over their house, they are more than likely not intentionally trying to be rude or ungrateful.
They just simply do not just have the same means as their friends who often invite their kids over.
Part of growing up and becoming a parent includes recognizing the fact that your peers may not have the same time or financial resources as they once did. Real life kicks in pretty quickly, and people have to buckle down to work, keep the house in order, the kids fed all while making sure they make all of their monthly payments.
When they fail to reciprocate, it is not always about you; it is entirely about them and their situation.
While it can be difficult when they are not contributing to the relationship and putting in as much effort, try to understand that their living situation is likely not as stable as yours and that they only wish that they could take your children out to dinner the way you do for theirs.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.