Mom Says She Can’t Let Her Kids’ Friends Come Over Because Her Home Is Not As Nice As Everyone Else’s
Comparison is the thief of joy.
Edward Cisneros / Unsplash A mom expressed her vulnerability and shed light on an often-overlooked part of parenting when she explained why she won’t allow her kids to have playdates at their house.
The mom said she can’t let her kids’ friends come over because her home isn’t as nice as other people’s.
The unnamed mom recorded herself in the front seat of her car, offering insight into the difficult but common experience of feeling like you have less than others.
She laid bare her emotions, saying, “Something that makes me so sad as a mom is the fact that my kids will never, ever be able to have kids come over and play at our house, because, like, I’m embarrassed and they’re embarrassed of where they live.”
She explained that the apparent class differences between her family and her kids’ classmates made her feel insecure and ashamed — like she wasn’t doing enough to provide for her children in the way she wanted to.
“My kids go to a certain type of school and all of their friends live in nice neighborhoods, nice homes,” she said. “And I can’t give that to my kids. So, [it] makes me feel like an absolute terrible mom.”
Mom guilt is an insidious part of parenting, something that’s reinforced by the idea that mothers should be superheroes, able to take care of their family’s every need with ease.
Adherence to that rigid belief harms parents as much as it harms children, making moms feel like nothing they do is ever enough, and holding them up to impossible and unrealistic standards, which are reflected back to their kids.
Photo: Jonatho Borba / Unsplash
It’s not that parental guilt is specific solely to moms. Of course, dads feel it, too. It’s that there’s so much societal and historical pressure placed on moms to be perfect at all times, and that weight can be crushing.
A 2017 U.K.-based survey of 900 moms found that 78% of those moms felt a generalized sense of guilt, with 68% saying that those thoughts and feelings were recurring throughout the day. Most of the moms surveyed reported that their guilt stemmed from not spending enough time with their kids, yet 34% said they felt guilt because they weren’t able to afford enough.
The prevalence of mom guilt across countries and cultures shows that it’s a far-reaching and complex issue, which is to say that this mom’s feelings are valid, yet she’s nowhere near alone in having them.
The mom relayed the story of another mom from her kid’s class asking to have a playdate, and her kid asking to come to their house. The mom said they could meet at a park, instead, because she felt so much shame about where she and her family live. “It makes me really sad because my kids go to this Christian private school and all of their friends live in certain types of neighborhoods and we live in a trailer park,” she said.
'We can still do playdates, but the kids will never be able to come to our home, because it’s embarrassing,' she continued.
She clarified that she’s not shaming anyone for living in a trailer park, noting, “It’s not just the fact that it’s a trailer park, because I’m not judging people who live in trailer parks at all.” What embarrassed her, specifically, is the state her home is in, as a result of her husband’s behavior.
“There’s holes in our wall, in, like, almost every room because he’d get mad and punch a hole in the wall,” she shared. “He’s tore up flooring in one of our bathrooms, he would cut holes in the carpet… He pulled up some flooring in our kitchen and never put it back.”
“He would try to remodel some things and he never finished it,” she said. “The house is, like, it’s not dirty because I clean it, it’s just messed up. It just looks really, really gross and it’s embarrassing.”
Photo: Gabe Pierce / Unsplash
Much of her other content on TikTok focuses on healing from narcissistic abuse, which is a complicated journey in its own right.
Yet it seems like so much of her healing is centered around learning to accept herself for what she is able to provide for her family, therefore, changing the dominant narrative she’s internalized, that what she’s giving and who she is isn’t enough.
“It just makes me sad, ‘cause everyone knows their kids deserve the world. Every mom wants to give their kids everything, and I’m not able to do that with this,” she said tearfully.
By expressing this vulnerable part of herself, the mom is sharing a side of parenting we don’t often discuss: The act of comparing oneself to other parents.
That form of comparison isn’t an easy habit to break. Yet linking our self-worth to wealth or material goods is almost guaranteed to make us feel inadequate.
The reality is that we’re all inherently enough, no matter where we live or what our homes look like.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.