10 Mistakes That Make Someone Look Deeply Desperate
Desperation is never a good look.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock We all make mistakes in romantic relationships, and the dating scene, but some errors can make us appear desperate for love when it isn’t there. Becoming borderline obsessive over someone, reading their messages repeatedly, or even tolerating disrespect are just a few examples.
The best thing you can do is be self-aware enough to recognize when something is not right. Build up your self-esteem and walk away from anyone who is wronging you. It doesn’t matter how long you have been with them or how great your connection is; what matters is how you behave and how they treat you.
Here are 10 mistakes that make someone look deeply desperate:
1.Constantly checking your phone signals desperation.
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If you are always the first person to contact them or double-text them, know that this makes you look desperate in their eyes. When you become fixated on someone to the point where you constantly check and wait for them to reply, something is seriously wrong.
Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, Ph.D., states, "Fixations with an object, person, or activity can be abnormal as they impair our capacity to love and work." As you obsess more about this individual, you neglect the basic things in your life. Your needs, as well as the needs of your family and friends, get put on the back burner.
It's important to recognize that when someone ignores your messages, they are likely busy or less invested in the relationship than you are. Instead of trying to force a connection, focus on nurturing your self-worth and personal interests. Maintaining a balanced life and setting healthy boundaries create space for relationships built on mutual respect and genuine care. Remember, true connection stems from valuing yourself as much as you value others.
2.Always being available undermines your self-worth.
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Waiting for someone is a profoundly desperate act. Divert your attention away from people who wouldn’t even bat an eye at you if you were in the same room.
Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., states that people lack passion when they become impatient in love. Sometimes, patience is great in love, but the relationship suffers when the other person does not reciprocate the feelings.
Instead of investing your emotional energy in someone who doesn’t appreciate it, live your life fully and focus on what truly matters to you. Pursue your passions, nurture relationships with family and friends, and work on personal growth. By prioritizing your needs and setting clear boundaries, you protect your self-esteem and open the door to more balanced and fulfilling connections.
Recognize that others' attention or approval does not determine your value. Allow this understanding to motivate you to pursue relationships that appreciate and reciprocate your sincere affection.
3.Relying on others for validation exposes your insecurity.
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Everyone experiences insecurity at times, but it shouldn't lead us to seek reassurance from others constantly. Seeking validation from others is the first sign of insecurity and low self-esteem.
According to Sherry Gaba, LCSW, breaking the cycle over your need for validation “starts with understanding the type of validation you seek.” The first step is to stop comparing yourself to others, the second is to be mindful by looking for ways to improve yourself, and finally, stop asking for validation as you do not need it.
Develop your self-esteem so you don’t need others’ approval. Emphasize self-compassion and acknowledge your inherent value independent of outside opinions.
Invest time in personal growth and pursue activities that reinforce your strengths and passions. Ultimately, valuing yourself first creates a solid foundation that attracts healthier and more balanced relationships.
4.Staying silent about your opinions diminishes your confidence.
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Never stay in a relationship that doesn’t let you express yourself. The more you allow people to walk over you or silence you, the more they will take advantage of you.
Lisa Aronson Fontes, Ph.D., states that “many people cut off their partners emotionally to hurt, punish, or manipulate them.” Silencing your partner or giving them the silent treatment is considered emotional abuse, so think it comes from a loving place.
Avoid becoming isolated just because someone wants you to be. Stand firm in your right to disagree, especially about something you genuinely believe in. By asserting your opinions and maintaining healthy boundaries, you preserve your self-respect and encourage open and honest communication in the relationship.
Remember that expressing yourself authentically is crucial for mutual growth, and respecting your standards and beliefs establishes a foundation for genuinely supportive and balanced relationships.
5.Rushing the relationship can make you appear overly desperate.
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The more you rush the relationship, the more desperate you seem. Clinginess is not attractive, especially when you start to get to know someone new. Relationships like this won’t last long because they are artificially produced.
Jennifer Litner, Ph.D., states that “ultimatums don’t come out of thin air.” They are a correlation of things that have just piled up in the relationship over time and are now heading to the surface. Ultimatums can lead to the disintegration of your relationship, so be cautious when dishing them out.
Take a breath, step back, and assess the situation. Allow your relationships to develop naturally, giving you and your partner the space to truly understand and appreciate each other over time. Trusting the process and embracing a natural pace helps build a solid foundation for genuine connection and mutual respect.
By resisting the urge to force a relationship, you create an environment where both partners feel valued and free to be themselves. This ultimately leads to a more authentic and fulfilling bond.
6.Prioritizing one person above everyone else reflects unhealthy attachment.
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If you treat this individual better than your children or family, you are a desperate person. By doing this, you are teaching the person you are obsessing over that you will let them walk all over you and that they don’t have to put much effort into keeping you happy in the relationship.
Jessie Stern, Ph. D., and Rachel Samson, M. Psych., stated that we treat others as we have been treated because people learn through firsthand experiences that shape their thinking. The negative impact of childhood trauma can lead to ruined relationships because the individual has not healed from it.
Addressing your insecurities and restoring self-worth is essential. By boosting your assertiveness and confidence, you establish healthy boundaries that safeguard you from potential exploitation by others.
Prioritize nurturing your well-being and key relationships; this balance will enhance your emotional resilience and foster more authentic, reciprocal connections. By embracing your self-worth and confronting your past, you establish a foundation where every relationship is characterized by mutual respect and care.
7.Always being at their beck and call shows you lack self-respect.
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If you find yourself stopping what you are doing to answer them, you are desperate for their attention. Why not take a little break and set your phone aside? It’s a great way to recharge, especially because sometimes those issues might not need their input.
Kelly-Ann Allen, Ph.D., states that always being there for someone can have positive and negative effects. Going from ‘Me’ to ‘We’ can boost your mental health. However, people make the mistake of thinking that there are lines that can be crossed. If the relationship is not reciprocal on occasion, then you risk staying in a perpetual cycle of anxiety and worry for the other person.
Take a moment to think for yourself and focus on what truly matters. Use this time to set healthy boundaries and invest in activities that enrich your well-being.
By prioritizing self-care and nurturing your interests, you reinforce your sense of self and create space for balanced, respectful, and mutually supportive relationships. Remember, when you value your time and energy, you make space for more fulfilling and genuine connections.
8.Accepting little while expecting everything drains your relationship.
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People who expect the world from you while giving you breadcrumbs don’t deserve to be in your life. These takers will drain you to the point where you neglect yourself and others.
In a podcast interview titled Givers vs. Takers, Adam Grant sat down with Knowledge at Wharton to discuss the psychology of givers and takers. He stated that takers are the type of people who will take advantage of a person and only contribute a small portion of what was given to them back, while givers give everything they have with little to no strings attached.
Stop settling for less than you deserve and insist on reciprocity in your relationships. When someone consistently fails to meet your needs, it diminishes your self-worth and disrupts your emotional well-being.
Focus on nurturing connections that value your contributions and support each other's growth. Keep in mind that your energy is valuable, and investing it in truly supportive relationships will enable you to thrive both personally and professionally. If someone can’t rise to that standard, they don’t belong in your life.
9.Allowing third-party involvement with exes signals relationship instability.
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Everyone has an ex-partner, but it stinks of desperation when your current lover constantly brings up their exes within the relationship. They may use these references as a way to control or manipulate you, attempting to make you feel insecure or even guilty for considering leaving them.
According to Mia Belle Frothingham's study Triangulation in Psychology, triangulation refers to a communication pattern in which one person avoids interaction with another and instead uses a third individual to communicate. In romantic relationships, this can mean one partner using their exes as leverage to keep you in line or remind you of past connections.
Some may argue that mentioning an ex is harmless or even nostalgic, but more often than not, this behavior reveals unresolved feelings. Whether they are still in love with their ex or harbor regrets about the past, it is a red flag that they may return to that former relationship at any time. Don't fall for it — recognize that this tactic undermines your confidence and emotional security.
Ultimately, it’s vital to protect your emotional well-being. Trust your instincts and set clear boundaries; if someone continually uses their past as a weapon in your relationship, it may be time to reassess their role in your life.
Prioritize relationships built on mutual respect, open communication, and genuine commitment rather than those that constantly dwell on past ties and potential leverage.
10.Compromising your values for attention reveals deep desperation.
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When deeply desperate for someone, you will do anything to get their attention — even if that means compromising your own morals and ethics. In the throes of desperation, you might abandon the very values that define who you are, hoping that by doing so, you'll finally earn the validation you seek.
Margot Gueguen and Patricia L. Lockwood, from the University of Birmingham, discuss in their study on Social Psychology, "Predicting other people’s attention to understand the mind," how our need for attention is fundamentally linked to our desire to understand the motives and thoughts of those around us. This drive can sometimes lead us astray, making us vulnerable to behaviors that conflict with our personal ethics.
Always remember your true self and the values you cherish. Your principles are the foundation of your identity and guide you in forming genuine, lasting connections.
Staying true to our ethical standards fosters a strong sense of self-respect and integrity, especially when we might feel tempted to stray for a moment of attention. By staying true to yourself, you ensure that your relationships are based on mutual respect and authenticity rather than on a desperate need for validation.
Your code of ethics defines you. Embracing your true self strengthens your sense of identity and attracts those who appreciate and honor your unwavering commitment to your values. Maintaining integrity is the most powerful way to build a fulfilling and balanced life.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with over a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.