Psychology Says If A Man Does These 17 Things, He's A Low-Key Control Freak
Love does not mean owning or control another person.
Andrea Piacquadio | Canva Control freaks are surprisingly common in today’s society and that’s not good for those of us looking for true love. When you’re dating a control freak, you end up having less and less control over your life... and then abuse starts.
It’s inevitable with them, and unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to fix people like this. If you notice that your partner has control issues, you need to make a run for it — quickly. The first signs are usually barely recognizable, primarily because most control freaks stay low-key for as long as they can.
Here are signs the man you love is a low-key control freak:
1. He regularly makes unhelpful “suggestions” to you
He makes suggestions about how you dress, where you work, or who you hang out with, and pouts if you don’t agree with them. This is one of the most common signs he's a control freak as well as a potential abuser. In one of my past relationships, the guy got fed up with me not listening when it came to what I ate and swatted popcorn out of my hand. Needless to say, that relationship is now over due to control issues.
2. You’ve caught him “dropping by” just to make sure you’re home
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If he doesn’t believe you when you say you’re at home, there’s nothing you can do to establish trust. No amount of restricting yourself will make him feel better because he’s projecting on you.
A male partner not trusting you can often stem from past experiences of betrayal, insecure attachment styles, low self-esteem, or a history of relationship issues, leading to behaviors like excessive questioning, jealousy, and scrutiny of your actions, which can significantly damage the relationship if not addressed openly and constructively.
Findings from a 2023 study in Frontiers in Psychology suggest potential gender differences in trust levels. The root causes of mistrust are often deeply personal and related to individual experiences rather than solely based on gender.
3. He tracks your every move
He's installed cameras, put a tracker on your phone, or started to add your friends on social media without your permission. Yes, I’ve heard of guys doing this. Yes, it’s always low-key, and at times, many women don’t even realize they’re being monitored until it’s too late. Yes, these three things are more common than you’d imagine and are definite signs that you need to nope out of that relationship.
4. Any time you get your way (and it’s not his way), he makes a point of making it unenjoyable for you
You know what I’m talking about. Going to meet your friends and him refusing to smile or talk to them. You go to the movies, only to hear him whine about what a waste of money it was. You don’t need this joy-suck in your life. Just saying.
A core principle in psychology is that rewarded behaviors are more likely to be repeated. Findings from a 2011 study suggest that when a partner feels they have successfully advocated for something, their partner actively making the experience positive can be seen as a form of positive reinforcement, encouraging them to continue expressing their needs in the future.
5. You’ve seen him be controlling with other things, too
A good sign that he’s a low-key control freak deals with how he works with other people. At work, is he a micromanager? Among friends, is it his way or the highway? If so, he’s probably got control issues that he needs to address before he can be a suitable mate.
6. He’s flipped out when you were late or didn’t reply “in time”
Certain signs on this list always seem innocuous at the start, but this shouldn’t be one of them. This is the kind of sign that screams danger. Should you notice this happen when you’re still just talking to him, you need to drop him like a rock.
7. You have heard stories about him stalking his exes
Oh, dear. Stalking is a control thing, and it’s also one of the top indicators that a man will turn abusive later on. If you hear about this going on, you shouldn’t ever talk to him again.
8. When you tell him no, he seems okay, then asks again a couple of days later
This is a sign that he’s trying to push boundaries, and that in turn tends to mean he doesn’t care about your comfort or feelings. Do you want to date a guy who’s more into controlling you than into being happy and comfortable around him?
Boundaries are a mandatory part of a healthy relationship, and if he keeps trying to eliminate yours, then it’s not going to be a fun ride for you.
9. You worry that you can’t bring him around your friends, because he tends to get controlling around them, too
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Not a good sign, even if it’s something as stupid as “needing” to dictate what you all do together. If you can’t bring your boyfriend around your friends, then you shouldn’t be dating him.
10. He constantly “remarks” on your lifestyle choices, even though he seemed okay with them at the beginning
They might not be criticisms, per se, but you know you don’t feel comfortable with hearing them from him. Or, maybe they are criticisms. Or negging. Whatever it is, this tends to be a sign that they are not as relaxed about you living life your way as they claim to be... and that’s a sign to call it quits.
Being criticized by a partner can significantly impact a person's self-esteem, relationship satisfaction, and mental health. A 2022 study found that frequent criticism can lead to feelings of insecurity, decreased intimacy, and increased conflict within the relationship, regardless of gender. However, the perception of criticism can be subjective and vary depending on the individual and the nature of the criticism itself.
11. Friends who you never thought would bail suddenly stop seeing you
A great rule of thumb to stick to is that a good relationship will not burn your other bridges. If your friends tell you that he’s asked them to stop talking to you, or if you notice that your boyfriend keeps making disapproving jokes about them, it’s time to call your romantic relationship quits.
12. He claims that he’s “a dominant” or an “alpha”
I want to note that I’ve never, in all 29 years on this planet, ever seen a guy who claimed he was one of those who was capable of having a healthy relationship. Food for thought, right?
Men claiming dominance in a relationship often demonstrate behaviors associated with power dynamics, potentially stemming from evolutionary factors where women may be attracted to dominant partners for perceived protection.
At the same time, a 2023 study published by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that excessive dominance can lead to adverse relationship outcomes like power imbalances and decreased partner satisfaction. However, individuals' desire for a dominant partner varies significantly and depends on personal preferences and relationship dynamics.
13. He needs to know where you are at all times
If he can't find you, he will not stop calling you or your friends to find out. This is one of those signs that’s no longer cute, but a sign of serious control issues. Your man should be willing to give you space, and shouldn’t ever feel like constant phone calls are okay. It’s a sign that he’s flipping out because he can’t keep you under his thumb.
14. If you ask him for space, he will not give it to you
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Neediness is a big clue of insecurity or controlling behavior. Every human being needs space and also needs healthy boundaries in their relationship. If he’s giving you neither, he’s not healthy for you.
A male partner not giving you space after you've asked for it could be linked to issues like insecure attachment styles, a lack of emotional awareness, potential controlling behaviors, or a misunderstanding of what space means in the relationship. This often stems from poor communication and the inability to respect boundaries. Findings from a study published in Contemporary Family Therapy concluded this can lead to feelings of frustration, anxiety, and a sense of being smothered by the partner requesting space.
15. He often “protects” you from everything, by refusing to let you make your own decisions
This is one of those actions that is rooted in old-school misogyny and is a thin veil for abusive and controlling behavior. No one needs to be babysat, controlled, or told what to do by a delusional Knight in Shining Armor. Anyone who thinks differently tends to see women as fragile, lesser beings.
We’re adults and are capable of handling our affairs, thank you very much. If he “can’t help but do things” you don’t want “for your good,” ghost him. It’s for your good.
16. During arguments, he often puts his beliefs or behavior on moral or logical high ground to yours
Been there, done that, and bought the T-shirt. Yes, this kind of posturing is a sign of an abuser, and a very delusional one at that. Abusers who can’t face the fact that they are hurting their partners will act “holier than thou” as a way to establish control and rationalize their behavior. I suggest giving this guy the boot the minute he acts this way.
A male partner exhibiting a superior mentality can stem from underlying insecurities and manifest in condescending attitudes, dismissing their partner's opinions, and taking credit for joint achievements. This behavior can lead to significant strain and dissatisfaction in the relationship. Research published in Personality and Individual Differences linked this behavior to issues around masculinity norms and the need for control, with potential connections to narcissistic personality traits.
17. He’s misogynistic
Men who hate women do not love women; they love controlling women. That’s why they are so threatened by “wimminfolk getting jobs” and why they blame feminism for everything.
If he’s making disparaging remarks about girls, you need to understand he’s the problem, not you, and that you can’t fix a poisonous man. Sadly, you can’t save misogynists; the only person you can save is yourself. So, if you see these remarks happen, dump him. It’s time to grab a lifeboat for yourself.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong. If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.