How To Get Better At 'Forgive And Forget' Based On Your Personality Type
How to fully embrace forgiveness even when it feels impossible.
Jordan González | Unsplash Forgiveness is often misunderstood. How often have you heard the saying “forgive and forget”? and wondered how to actually achieve that? If only it were as simple as those two words.
Declaring forgiveness is hollow if you cannot release the pain inflicted on you. It's meaningless if you keep passing on your pain to someone else. But when you let go, a sense of relief and freedom washes over you, paving the way for a brighter future.
If you do not release the pain, you will suppress the pain until it adversely affects your health. Most of all, forgiveness takes time. It can be a lifelong process, but that doesn’t mean everything will be resolved.
Here's how to get better at 'forgive and forget' based on your personality type
The Enneagram is a powerful psychological and spiritual tool to help you tap into the wisdom within and around you. Understanding and accessing the three centers of intelligence, sensations of the body, emotions of the heart, and a quiet mind, unlock the potential for forgiveness for yourself and others. This transformative process can lead to healing and the restoration of relationships, making the Enneagram a fascinating and inspiring journey of self-discovery.
1. The Reformer
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The greatest challenge for the Reformer is to overcome their fear of not being perfect. They put huge pressure on themselves to get it right and feel responsible for keeping everyone else safe. When they can accept their imperfections, they start to loosen up, as explained in a study of treatments for perfectionism.
The Reformer wants to learn better ways to live in the world with others. As one gets less constricted, the person becomes more open to life, able to find therapies that work for them to heal, relearn playfulness, be less serious, have a sense of optimism, and start to believe that life can be better.
2. The Helper
The greatest challenge for the Helper to overcome is to accept that they have value for being themselves. They need to realize they don't have to earn love because they already deserve it. Doing this work can help you seek forgiveness for yourself.
Helpers seek love. When they let go of their fear, they become more open to their experiences and practice self-care. This allows them to tap into their creative energies and set appropriate boundaries.
3. The Achiever
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Achiever's greatest challenge is to accept you don't have to be the best to be respected. Not everything has to be a competition. For the Achiever to remember you are good enough, regardless of others' perceptions.
Achievers seek to be noticed for their successes. As they become less constricted in their type, they relinquish the need to always be in control. They become more present and concerned about other people’s feelings. An openness to seeking help makes it easier to ask for coaching or counseling.
4. The Individualist
The Individualist's challenge is shifting focus from what they're missing to appreciating what they have. They benefit from understanding their true feelings and becoming more grounded and practical.
They can channel creativity and emotions into concrete outcomes and are highly skilled in healing and the creative arts. Research from 2005 reinforces how the process of healing calls on you to seek forgiveness from yourself and the offender. It can be a slow process.
5. The Investigator
The Investigator's challenge is remembering they have a body full of wisdom. Also, It's important for Investigators to share what they are learning, even if their research isn't complete.
When grounded, Investigators find power, become aware of physical desires, and feel more energized. They become more vocal and assertive, feeling worthy to take up space, and can more effectively step into leadership roles.
6. The Loyalist
The Loyalist’s challenge is to learn to trust a higher power greater than themselves and to trust themselves physically, emotionally, and mentally.
The Loyalist will focus more on what is going well as they get more grounded. They will reclaim the Loyalist's strength of courage to enable them to take more risks. As the Loyalist becomes less constricted in their personality, they become more trusting, flexible, supportive, and less suspicious of others. They learn to relax and trust their gut instead of endlessly imagining negative scenarios.
7. The Enthusiast
The Enthusiast's challenge is to face the pain and mess in their lives. They can become calmer, gain perspective, and flow by slowing down and simplifying their lives.
As they loosen from the constriction of their Enneagram type, they become more focused, gain wisdom, and desire to understand the deeper meaning of life. They learn to engage in contemplative practices and accept stillness to open up to all three centers of intelligence.
The more you can quiet your mind the easier it is to practice forgiveness.
8. The Challenger
The Challenger's challenge is to slow down and invite others to join them in advocating for people who are being mistreated and abused.
When Challengers free themselves from their personality type, they become more compassionate and attentive to others, valuing their beliefs as equals. They show tenderness, vulnerability, and greater emotional expression, allowing their inner child to feel safe and playful.
9. The Peacemaker
Peacemakers avoid conflict to keep the peace but need to learn to share their desires with others.
As Peacemakers become less constricted by their personality type, they learn to feel special and important. They become better at connecting with their passion and pursuing their heart's desires. This increased sense of security allows them to confidently display and stand behind their accomplishments.
They become more capable of taking powerful action globally and are highly focused on their goals. They begin to adopt a positive self-image and become more assertive and decisive.
Learning the Enneagram can help you to be your best, opening you up for the healing you need.
When you are at your best, you will be better able to notice the places in your body, heart, and mind that need healing. Let’s begin by asking yourself these questions:
- What needs healing in your life?
- What stories do you tell yourself that you need to change?
- What relationships would you like to restore, and how do you do it?
- How do you prevent your pain and humiliation from being transferred to someone you love?
- What will help you acknowledge your pain so you can let it go?
- Who are the people you need to let go of?
- Can you forgive yourself for not protecting yourself?
A good place to start is to discover your Enneagram type, as described in a 2018 study. Your type reveals where you go when you are under stress. With practice, you learn to notice when you are getting stuck in your ego and discover healthier ways to respond to the stresses in your life.
This is hard work, but the result makes the effort worthwhile.
Roland Legge is an author, certified spiritual life coach, and teacher of the Enneagram. He helps people connect to their inner selves and find alignment with their highest purpose and values.