Experts Reveal The 4 Skills Brilliant People Use To Get Along With Anyone
Understanding this system will improve every relationship in your life.
JLCo Ana Suanes | Shutterstock Each person has a unique communication style and differences can strain even the best relationships. That's why the smartest people master the four key skills needed to get along with every type of communicator.
One of the main reasons tensions rise between people who otherwise like one another is that we don't have skills to adapt to other people's styles. That's why these three tools can help you get along with almost anyone.
Four skills used by brilliant people who can get along with anyone
1. Communicating with passive people? Stop looking for victory.
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Deferring to other people's wants and needs while theirs go unmet, passive individuals are the quintessential people pleasers.
The primary goal of an individual with a passive communication style is conflict avoidance. If they allow others to take the lead, they will say they “don’t care what happens” or “go with the flow” to prevent escalation.
Allowing the other person to express anger, reinforcing their significance, and remaining open to assertiveness will help your passive conversational partner gain confidence and experience growth.
According to therapist Hilary Silver, LCSW, the key to communicating with a people-pleaser is to force yourself to stop seeing your their "giving in" to your request as a "win." Why? Their passive agreement and deferral will eventually undermine your relationship because they aren't fully in a relationship with you.
"The next time your partner easily yields (once again) and gives you your way, understand that there is no relationship 'victory'," Silver writes. "Instead, acknowledge and start responding to each other's separate and distinct needs."
2. Aggressive communicator? Practice de-escalation.
When aggressive communicators feel upset, everyone knows. They use loud and forceful words and may even appear critical and harsh.
Aggressive individuals struggle with accepting responsibility for their actions. Because they often blame others, conflicts with these people can become overwhelming and impossible to resolve.
Psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Carmen Harra explained that aggressive, accusatory behavior often makes arguments worse. "It is human nature to accuse when being accused, even if that person is plainly guilty. If you speak aggressively, your partner will respond in kind, which means a misunderstanding can quickly escalate into an all-out war."
Encourage an aggressive communicator to listen more than speak. Teach them to avoid bullying behavior and model calm, respectful body language when fights break out. If nothing else works and you feel this sperson lacks empathy, suggest counseling or group therapy so that they can work through potential underlying issues with a professional.
3. Passive-aggression? Hold them accountable.
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Passive-aggressive communicators can be the most aggravating, as they’re a mixed bag. Like passive people, they avoid confrontation.
However, they internally resent that their needs aren’t met. This dissatisfaction is expressed indirectly with conversational partners, often through eye rolls, sighs, and silent treatment.
Passive-aggressive people know what they want but lack the tools to express these needs healthily, so hold your passive-aggressive loved one accountable for their actions.
Rhoberta Shaler, Ph. D., relationship consultant, educator, and author, says that one of the best ways to shut down a passive-aggressive person is to refuse to play along with their games at all. "It's important to remove yourself from that passive-aggressive power game," said Shaler. "You do that by being assertive and clear in your response."
Don’t ignore their victim narrative. Push for clear, assertive communication. Model healthy communication and encourage them to do the same.
4. Assertive communicators? Look inward.
Assertive communicators express their needs and wants while remaining open to the other person's needs. They see both sides of every argument and often seek compromise as a resolution.
Assertive people successfully use “I” statements to communicate and empathize. They also validate others while still allowing them to express their feelings.
According to psychotherapist Engracia Gill, "Being assertive means being direct about what you need, want, feel, or believe in a way that’s respectful of the views of others. It’s an effective communication skill that can reduce conflict, build your self-confidence, and improve relationships."
If you’re arguing with an assertive communicator, chances are that any excessive or ontoing conflict struggles stem from you. In this case, try to identify which communication style you relate to and work towards assertiveness. Creating a safe space to air out conflicts is crucial for any relationship: romantic or platonic.
Laura Herndon is a writer who focuses on relationships, dating, and love. For more of her relationship content, visit her author profile on Unwritten.