5 Powerful Habits Assertive People Use To Make Others Respect Them
How to earn respect the right ways.
Judeus Samson | Unsplash If you want to train yourself to be assertive, it's best to start small. While great change is possible, it's crucial to remember that Rome wasn't built in a day.
In this metaphor, Rome is what you will become when you can communicate directly and effectively, drama-free. The more assertive you are, the more well-respected you will become.
Here are the powerful habits assertive people use to make others respect them:
1. Set boundaries
An assertive person can set boundaries in a reasonable, clear-headed tone. Assertive people know exactly what they feel comfortable doing and not doing. They have no problems saying no to the people they love and feel comfortable setting boundaries with family, friends, and colleagues.
Someone who struggles to set boundaries might feel guilty letting others down. But it's simply a way to let other people know what you will or will not tolerate.
If you don’t feel like talking on the phone with your mother every day, tell her your schedule is too swamped to talk on the phone. Perhaps you have two friends who don’t get along, and one of them keeps trying to make you the middleman.
You’ll feel much better if you set a boundary with your friend. “Listen,” you can say, “I love both of you and want to be a good friend to both of you. I’m not the person to talk about this with because it isn’t good for our friendship if I get involved."
By setting boundaries, you are staying true to who you are and aren't compromising on your comfort level. Says clinical hypnotherapist and spiritual life coach Keya Murthy. "To be assertive, you have to be aligned with your core self and speak your truth. You don’t need to justify or prove anything, only speak your truth with calm poise."
2. Stand up straight
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When it comes to assertive communication, body language is everything. That means adjusting your posture, speaking clearly, and working on your handshake — all of these small changes boost your presence.
For some, asserting their needs is uncomfortable — and you can tell by the way they slouch and avoid eye contact. But those small body language movements speak volumes about how a person like this feels: unconfident and unnoticed.
Paying attention to your body during a confrontation is a fantastic way to be more assertive. It communicates that you are sure of yourself, and people will have a much more difficult time taking advantage of you.
Standing up straight or maintaining good posture can significantly impact mood, self-esteem, and overall emotional state. A 2015 randomized trial showed that an upright posture tends to promote positive feelings and reduce negative emotions compared to slouching, which can be associated with feelings of sadness or low confidence. While good posture is generally beneficial, the interpretation of posture can vary depending on cultural norms and individual contexts.
3. Offer solutions
Stick to the facts, and keep the emotion out of it. Let's say you're struggling to keep the peace in your living situation.
Instead of going behind your roommate's back and dragging her name like a stick through the mud, be direct with her. Telling her she’s a messy slob isn’t an example of assertive communication.
Offering solutions, however, shows that you’re committed to cleaning consistently. Ask your roommate if a chore wheel would make things easier, or if switching chores would make things better.
When you offer solutions, you ensure that you're steering clear from personally attacking others. Confident people don’t need to tear others down, even if they feel as though they are in the right. Identify what you want, and strive for success.
4. Maintain a neutral facial expression
This one’s a lot easier than it sounds — but it’s also essential. You’re allowed to have angry thoughts and feelings for someone, but save those frustrations for your therapist or journal. An essential step in your assertiveness training is to stay calm during the confrontation.
You can be assertive without being rude by keeping a neutral facial expression. Mocking someone or rolling your eyes at them can only make everything worse.
The same goes for being emotionally reactive, particularly in your face. Assertive people want to make things better for themselves and that means removing drama from the equation.
A neutral facial expression is important because, while seemingly emotionless, it can still influence how others perceive you, impacting trust, believability, and even the impression of competence, particularly in situations where conveying a specific emotion might be inappropriate or misleading.
However, a study published in PEC Innovation showed that neutral faces can sometimes carry subtle emotional cues depending on individual perception and context.
5. Use 'I' statements
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Practice assertive communication by using “I” statements. It allows you to communicate your needs without sounding accusatory or hostile. You can be more assertive without being rude by refusing to make disrespectful accusations.
For example, instead of saying, “You’re wrong for forgetting to do the dishes,” say something like, “I feel a lot better when the kitchen is clean, and when I see dishes in the sink it makes me feel frazzled.” See? There is no blame being communicated; instead, you are expressing how you feel.
Imagine that you're on the receiving end of what you’re saying. How would you feel if someone said, “You’re wrong,” over something as mundane as a household chore?
If this is difficult for you to do, you can always rehearse what you’d like to say beforehand. Maybe workshop it with your friends.
Izzy Casey is a freelance writer, former YourTango writer, associate editor, and copy editor who received her MFA in Poetry from the Iowa Writers' Workshop. Her work has been published in Corriere della Sera, The Iowa Review, Bennington Review, Gulf Coast, Black Warrior Review, BOATT, NY Tyrant, and elsewhere.