People Who Drift From Their Mom Friends As They Get Older Do So For These 10 Reasons
Parenting is already dramatic enough without adding mom-friend nonsense.
SDI Productions | Canva I believe a large problem with modern motherhood is the issue of what happens with mom friends and the pressure women feel to have the “right” ones. Simply put, a lot of mom friends are toxic to you and your kids.
I’m a believer that most “Mommy Culture” is toxic, period. Sadly, I’ve seen the outcome of all of this. Have you ever felt you might be dealing with the wrong crowd or that you're drifting from your mom friends? It might be for one of these reasons.
Here are the reasons people drift from their mom friends as they get older:
1. They shame you for your parenting style
As long as your children are well-fed, happy, and growing up healthy, you’re doing right by your kids. Some mom friends don’t feel that way and will use their critique of your parenting skills to feel morally superior to you.
If you’re getting criticized over breastfeeding choices, your inability to afford organic food, or your refusal to try a new parenting trend, you need to take a look at your mom friends. Chances are, they’re doing that to make you feel bad.
2. They exclude you from group activities
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Does it feel like you have to beg and plead for attention? If so, your mom friends might not be friends. Rather, they might be trying to shake you off. It’s best to let the friendship die. Speaking from personal experience, people who don’t want to be your friend shouldn’t be in your life.
3. They hit on your spouse
Yes, this happens in mommy circles. No, you shouldn’t tolerate it. Any questions?
4. They make you feel bad about yourself
Ever had friends who somehow find ways to dig into your self-esteem, even though you’re usually a confident person? From what I’ve noticed, this is way more common among mom cliques than it should be. If you notice those casual side-eyes or talk about how their kids “would never do that,” it may be time to find new friends.
Life coach Kelly Rudolph explained how their digs at your parenting create drama, "Not all friends who feel out of control or insecure will attack. If they are emotionally healthy, they will strive to better themselves instead. Frenemies can be drama queens. They create a dramatic play, requiring actors and an audience so they draw more people in, often embarrassing or insulting you (their friend) in the process."
5. They make it all about them
Some people are just too self-centered to have a legitimate conversation with anyone who isn’t obsessed with them. They will vent and moan all day long. However, when it’s your turn to request some aid, they’ll tell you to stop being selfish.
Sound like someone you know? If so, it’s time to check out of that relationship.
6. They constantly hit you up for money
Don’t ask me why, but this is ridiculously common in certain parenting communities. I understand that being a mom is tough, but that doesn’t excuse you from acting like a leech.
Every other parent is busting their behinds trying to make good for their kids, too. Needless to say, parents who do nothing but take without giving back probably don’t deserve your company.
7. Hanging out feels more like a re-run of Mean Girls than real life
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Trust me when I say that Mean Girls has a lot more in common with reality than people let on. There are cliques. There are groups of mom friends who make a point of making it seem like they’re living a “glam life” to others, just so they can feel like they won at life. I need not explain how this superficiality is bad for your mental health, right?
Speaking as someone who’s seen this kind of dynamic in action, it’s a rat race. You will never feel like what you have is enough, and it’s a never-ending competition. Acting that high maintenance isn’t good for anyone involved.
This dynamic also seeps into the relationship with your spouse, as personal development coach Heather Needham described, "As a new mom, I joined a playgroup with a dozen others. Our babies would drool on blocks while we chatted about life. As the weeks passed, our focus shifted from conversations about how to raise kids, our careers, and our interests, and more about complaining about our husbands.
"I found myself joining in and growing in irritation at everything my husband did or didn't do. One day I was sitting apart (my baby had bitten another child the week before so I was keeping a close eye!) and started to hear the conversation. Many of these smart, funny, loving, giving, compassionate, creative, joyful women were immersed in talking about all the ways our partners were failing us. This is not who we are. But this is the group mindset and who I am morphing into."
8. They have a toxic or dangerous parenting style
Don’t get me wrong. There’s no flawless way to parent. Every kid is different and there’s no perfect way to be a perfect parent. Even Dr. Spock’s advice will come short from time to time.
However, that doesn’t mean you should excuse child abuse. Severely beating a child, verbally abusing them, or otherwise doing seriously harmful things should not be tolerated. If you notice a mom friend acting this way towards their kids, do not stick around. You don’t know what you could expose your child to this way!
9. They talk behind your back
You know the signs: The constant gabber, the hushed whispers, and the exchanged glances. If they are talking about others, they are talking about you too. You don’t need to have gossip sharing your business with the PTA, so tell them it’s done.
10. They always bring drama
Parenting is already dramatic, so why would you add an extra headache to that? As a mother, you don’t have time for that — or their nonsense.
Therapist Christopher Shea explained his experience counseling people with toxic behaviors, "In my clinical practice, I find that toxic people tend to suffer from at least one personality disorder. The behaviors cause problems in their relationships and work environment. Most personality disorders begin in childhood and continue into adulthood.
They are treatable with psychological intervention and behavior change work, as long as the person is willing to do the work needed to change their thoughts and behaviors to healthy ones. Unfortunately, when it comes to dealing with their toxic behaviors, we need to either learn how to protect ourselves or know when to unfollow them in real life."
Nothing is quite as bittersweetly isolating as being pregnant or being a new mom. When I was pregnant, most of my friends stopped talking to me. They just up and left, saying that I was not going to be the same person now that a baby was involved. Some just ghosted.
Though I did not have the same pregnancy path as most others, I know the feeling of watching friends distance themselves from you after this particular milestone. I’ve also heard plenty of new moms tell me how shocked they were to find the people who promised to be there bailed when they finally gave birth.
Yes, there’s something about having a “Mom Card” that alienates you from childless people in many situations. That’s why one of the first things pregnant women tend to do is seek out a mom friend who can help guide them through the trials and tribulations of motherhood or at least have a nap to spare for their little one.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.