A Breast Cancer Survivor's Guide For Making Peace With Your Worst Fears
Five ways to stop feeling helpless against what scares you most.
Jose carlos Cerdeno | Canva If you're a breast cancer survivor like me (or any cancer survivor for that matter), then you wrestle with the fear, anxiety, and worry of your cancer recurring. You might think about it all the time. Or, perhaps, you pretend it's not there. This can be true for anyone who has survived something life-threatening. It can be hard to let go of the daily fear of having to face it again.
No matter how long you've been dealing with it, fear of recurrence is ever-present throughout a cancer remission. Yet, you probably never (or rarely) admit it to anyone. It's time to talk about it and deal with it by overcoming fear.
Fears are normal, but it's not always easy to live with. Here's how I learned to make peace with mine. Regardless of your fear, maybe my experience can help you, too.
A breast cancer survivor's guide for making peace with your greatest fears
1. Accept it's with you for life
Fear of recurrence never goes away. Sometimes, it rears back up after you think that you've left it behind. Something will trigger your fear, such as:
- Feeling off for a few weeks without knowing why.
- Having to get a precautionary MRI.
- A friend or family member is diagnosed with cancer.
- Your blood work on a routine annual exam comes back with abnormalities.
No matter how small your risk for recurrence, there will be times when you'll worry that your cancer has (or could) come back.
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2. It's rational (and OK) to fear recurrence, but it doesn't have to overwhelm you
It's rational to worry that your cancer could (or might have) come back. It's not abnormal or strange to have these feelings. Everyone has them.
So, whatever you do, don't try to hide them or pretend they don't exist because that will only make it worse.
Fear tends to metastasize when ignored. That's when it takes over and can ruin your ability to be happy and mentally well. Sometimes, your fear can get overwhelming. You're not weird or abnormal for it.
Human beings tend to get overwhelmed by fear. And let me tell you: there's nothing wrong with admitting you've become overwhelmed by fear of recurrence. Whenever your fear gets overwhelming, it's a sign you need to do something about it.
Ignoring it or pretending it's not there will only make it worse. Although overwhelm is a distinctly human trait, the good news is you can do something about it.
Acknowledge the feeling, identify how you feel, and then get help. Although you might need professional help, that's not necessarily the case. Get started by talking to your doctor, a family member, or a friend. You might even consider joining a support group.
3. You can reduce and get "comfortable" with your fear
Just because your fear is rational and ever-present doesn't mean you can't diminish it. And it doesn't mean you can't live a happy, healthy life either.
The thing about fear is that, although some fears never go away, they can be managed. When you manage them properly, they don't get in your way of living a fulfilling life.
What you need is the right mindset. One that gets comfortable with your fear by accepting its existence and allowing it to remain so that it can protect you.
When I went through breast cancer treatment, I watched many women with horror.
An American Cancer Society article helps show what bothered me was how all-consuming the stages of breast cancer were for them. It's all they could think and talk about. I didn't want that to happen to me.
After the treatment was over, I noticed that some women still couldn't let go. What got in their way was fear. Initially, they couldn't get past their fear of dying, disfigurement from a mastectomy or lumpectomy, and/or the pain caused by treatment.
After the treatment was over, they transferred all that fear into one singular fear: the risk of recurrence. This fear overwhelmed them and took over. If that's you, then I want to tell you something: it's time to let it go.
Life is messy and hard. And there's always something to fear. You could get hit by a car tomorrow. Or you might have to deal with the death of a loved one. I know this sounds harsh, but it's a part of life. Don't let this overtake you. Let it go and learn to live your life. Because, lady, you're here right now.
But, just because you had cancer doesn't mean that you must live with the overwhelming fear that it might come back for the rest of your life.
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Here are 5 tips to help you reduce and manage your biggest fears
1. Know your triggers
You need to understand what triggers your fear. When does your fear become most noticeable?
Is it every time you celebrate your cancer "anniversary"? During times when you celebrate (and you worry it could be the last)? When you go to your annual check-ups? Or whenever you walk into a hospital?
Start paying attention to what triggers you — and to how your body and mind react to them.
Do you start sweating? Does your heart start racing? Do you remember the moment you were diagnosed? How does your fear manifest within you?
This knowledge will help you determine how best to deal with your fear.
2. Educate yourself
Understand your real risk of recurrence, why it happens, and the symptoms.
I'm often surprised how many women don't inform themselves yet are terrified of things that aren't real. Most of this is because they've stayed so un-informed. The best way to educate yourself is to talk to your doctor.
Ask questions and get curious about what symptoms to be on the lookout for and what to do if you become concerned that something is amiss.
Knowledge is power, so use it to your advantage.
3. Stay connected
It's much easier to get over the fear of recurrence by living your life. But here's the thing about living: you must stay connected to other people. Living your life means getting out with people you love, confiding in them, and listening to their problems openly.
This will get you out of your bubble and into the world. That's part of how you conquer fear. And if you need to talk about your fear, find someone you trust you can talk with.
Either a trusted friend or family member, a support group, or a professional. And if whoever you choose to confide in doesn't help you, then find someone who can.
4. Prioritize wellness
Part of living your life means ensuring your own mental, emotional, and physical well-being. And that includes doing what you can to be healthy.
You don't have to eat perfectly, exercise every day, and completely give up alcohol. But the truth is you'll lower your chances for recurrence by taking good care of yourself.
The American Cancer Society's guidelines on nutrition and physical activity for cancer prevention suggest some foods help fight off cancer, alcohol is (unfortunately) not a breast cancer survivor's best friend, and exercise reduces your risk of recurrence (the 10-year cancer survival rate is higher for those patients who exercise regularly post-cancer than those who don't, as shown by a study in the Journal of Physiotherapy Canada.
You don't just need to take care of your physical well-being but also your mental and emotional well-being.
The Psychooncology. Journal demonstrates how effective stress management can help you live a happier, healthier life (and it might even help improve your chances for long-term survival). And the fear of recurrence causes stress in addition to the regular day-to-day stress caused by life.
You must find ways to manage and diminish your stress levels. There are numerous ways to do that, and each one has its benefits. What matters is what ultimately works for you (because they're not all one size fits all).
Here are some healthy coping behaviors that might help you deal with your stress:
- Journal
- Practice daily gratitude
- Meditate regularly
- Regular massage therapy
- Join a support group
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5. Have a plan and follow it
Your last tip is to develop a plan based on what triggers your fear, how your fear manifests within you, what you know about your risk of recurrence, and what can be done to reduce your risk (and your stress).
Some of this will vary based on your particular fear.
However, there are several steps you can follow:
- Acknowledge the fear. Remember, fear is more likely to take control if you try to ignore it or pretend it doesn't exist. Be honest with yourself about its existence.
- Name your fear. Be specific about exactly what you fear and what's causing it to be triggered.
- Be curious. Based on what you fear and where it's coming from, get curious about how you might deal with these triggers differently, that could help reduce your fear.
- Create your plan of action. Based on what you've found, create an appropriate plan of action to help you deal with your fear and then follow through whenever you need it.
Throughout my cancer battle, I was worried about dying, and most of it was related to dying too young — because of my boys.
They were only 2 and 6 at the time of my diagnosis, and I didn't want them growing up without me. Once I learned I was cancer-free, I (naively) believed that was it. I'd go about my merry way and never worry about it again.
That is, until I felt a small lump in my breast a few months later, which terrified me. I had triple-negative breast cancer.
The good news is that triple-negative breast cancer often responds better to chemotherapy, and the risk of recurrence goes down as time goes on. The bad news is that it's more aggressive (and therefore more likely to spread) and has a high recurrence rate for the first five years post-treatment. Plus, there aren't any drugs available to help reduce the risk of recurrence.
Luckily, the lump turned out to be nothing. But once the Pandora's box of fear was opened, it didn't go away. I needed a better way to handle it.
I realized my trigger was health-related. Anytime I felt off and couldn't explain it, I'd immediately worry about recurrence. So, I learned more about the symptoms of recurrence and what I could do to reduce my risk.
Then I put together my plan of action:
- Exercise regularly (at least four times per week).
- Keep stress levels low through mindful meditation.
- Eat healthy foods (and limit sugar and alcohol consumption).
- Stay alert for health changes and give 2 weeks of feeling unwell for unexplained reasons before calling my doctor (but then call the doctor no matter how dumb I might feel).
- Call my oncologist any time something alarming comes to light.
Putting this plan in place gave me some measure of control. And that has helped to greatly reduce my fear of recurrence. And now, it's your turn. Put your plan together and take control of that fear.
Although you'll have to live with it for the rest of your life, you can reduce and control it. You can even live happily.
Heather Moulder is a career and life coach and founder of Course Correction Coaching. She specializes in helping professional women have both a successful career and happy home life with real work-life balance.