The One Brave Decision That Changed The Entire Trajectory Of My Divorce
How I took back control and rebuilt my life.
domoyega | Canva Divorce is brutal. It feels like everything’s been stripped away — power, strength, courage — even friends who once felt like family. The world you knew has fallen apart, and trying to imagine the future feels impossible.
Rebuilding after divorce feels daunting, but it doesn’t have to be. I know because I’ve been there. When my marriage of over twenty years ended, I suddenly became a single mom of nine, standing in the remains of what I thought was my forever after.
I was lost, terrified, and painfully alone. I had my kids, but I needed to be there for them — not the other way around. But in the dark moments, I found a powerful truth about healing after divorce: we have more power than we realize — even when everything feels like it’s upside down.
We’re just one choice away from taking back our lives. Our happiness. To become a new and better version of ourselves.
I won’t pretend divorce is easy or that the pain disappears overnight. But change is possible. And it all comes down to one decision: the decision to rebuild.
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The power of choice
2023 research indicates that the decision to rebuild after a divorce is heavily influenced by factors like the individual's ability to process emotions, their level of self-esteem, the support network they have, the severity of the marital conflict, and their resilience, with the initial phase often focused on acknowledging and accepting the pain of the divorce before moving towards rebuilding a new life.
Have you ever felt paralyzed by indecision, not sure whether to move forward or hold back?
I know decisions feel impossible when our world no longer makes sense. But making decisions is what helps you slow things down and find your footing.
It’s like Michael Jordan once said, “Once I made a decision, I never thought about it again.” At first, I didn’t understand just how important it was. But when I began making choices, even small ones, my days began to shift.
When we make a decision, we no longer have to go back and forth about whether we should or shouldn’t. It just is. And it’s something we can put out of our mind, which is already overloaded.
In the beginning, indecisiveness was my worst enemy. I was scared to make a move, afraid I’d make things worse. But I realized acting wishy-washy was doing the exact opposite of helping me.
It’s like I was playing whack-a-mole with my life. I’d bounce back and forth, unsure, waiting for someone else to tell me what to do or putting off decisions for another day.
Looking back, it’s not surprising — I was at an all-time low, and my self-confidence was gone. Somewhere in my marriage, I started doubting myself. I believed I wasn’t capable of making good choices anymore. I even started to believe his words — that it was all my fault. But that’s a story for a different day.
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The decision that changed everything
One day, I made a decision that changed everything. I signed up for a Master’s Swim class. I’d wanted to do it for years but let fear hold me back. I had a thousand excuses. My swimsuit looked bad, the swim cap felt ridiculous, it was too early in the morning, and I wasn’t good enough. The list went on.
But this time, I stopped listening to my excuses. The decision was made, and I was doing it, like it or not. It wasn’t a big, dramatic move but a small decision that gave me some sense of control in my life. A way to feel a bit stronger, a bit more empowered, and something to look forward to. I finally had a goal and a mission I chose for myself.
I know it doesn’t seem like much (even though it was huge to me), but it was enough to completely shift my mindset.
Each decision after that — either to cook a healthy meal, go for a walk in nature, or choose to write rather than stay in bed on a really tough day — started building my new foundation.
The more decisions I made, the more I began to trust myself again. It wasn’t about making the perfect choice; it was about learning I could make choices and handle whatever came next.
If you’re wondering where to begin post-divorce healing, here are some steps that helped me:
- Start small. Pick one thing today — anything. Go for a walk, cook a meal, or call a friend who makes you feel good. The decision doesn’t have to be huge; it just needs to be yours.
- Trust yourself. You’ve got this. Your past doesn’t determine your future. Each small step is moving you forward, even if it feels shaky right now.
- Embrace imperfection. Let go of perfect. Focus on moving forward. If a choice doesn’t feel right later, you can always change it.
- Reflect. At the end of each day, think about what choices you made and what you learned. When we see our progress, we build our confidence.
Research by Frontiers in Psychology in 2022 on post-divorce healing indicates that the process of recovering from divorce often involves grieving the loss of the marriage, managing complex emotions like anger, sadness, and guilt, and gradually rebuilding one's life with a focus on self-care, social support, and developing coping mechanisms.
Studies highlight that the quality of pre-divorce relationships, individual resilience, and access to support systems significantly impact the healing journey, with some individuals even experiencing positive post-traumatic growth following a divorce.
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The freedom to pivot
The truth is, until I stepped up and started making decisions, nothing changed. Each decision, no matter how small, built my confidence and set me on a path forward. And here’s the thing about decisions: they’re not set in stone. If something doesn’t feel right, we have the freedom to change directions.
We can always pivot. So, ask yourself: What is one small thing I can decide today that moves me, even just a little, toward the life I want to build?
Finding purpose after divorce starts with small steps. No decision is too small; it doesn’t have to be life-altering. Start anywhere — just start.
The real change comes from the act of deciding itself. When we choose to move forward, even in the smallest ways, that’s when we begin rewriting our story.
Julie Gaeta is a holistic health coach, yoga instructor, writer, and wellness enthusiast. She writes about relationships, nutrition, and pursuing growth.