9 Fully Independent Ways To Be Happy After Divorce Or A Bad Breakup
Don't settle for less than you deserve.
Thurtell | Canva Finding happiness after a divorce might seem impossible. The lives they have lived are over. The stress and sadness of the divorce process have been life-sucking. The fear of moving forward can be intense.
But, finding happiness after a divorce is not only possible but probable. I know. I have been there and gone from devastated by a divorce to living happily ever after.
How did this happen? Let me share.
How to be happy after your divorce or breakup without giving up your independence
1. Make sure your divorce or legal aspects of your breakup are settled
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Many people, myself included, are so impatient for their life to move forward that they try to get started earlier than they should.
When my husband left me I immediately set out to build a new life for myself — including finding love. I reached out to my college boyfriend, hoping to re-kindle our love. I embraced online dating, getting into one relationship after another, all of which failed.
In retrospect, I wasn’t ready. I was in too deep with sadness around the end of my marriage and the toxicity of the divorce process. At the time, I thought I was ready but I wasn’t.
Going through a divorce is one of the most devastating things, as supported by a study from the Journal of Marriage and the Family. The divorce process can take a long time. When one is in the middle of it all, it’s almost like they are submerged in a babbling brook. Like water is rushing over their head and they can’t hear anything or see anything. As a result, they can make bad choices, choices that might even sabotage finding the happiness they deserve. Going through a serious breakup with a long-term partner can be just the same.
So, try to be patient and wait until the divorce is settled and signed off on before you try to make too much change, particularly around relationships.
2. Don’t move too fast
Many people are desperate to find love again after a divorce. They truly believe another relationship is the only way they will ever be happy again. So, they get into a new relationship quicker than they should.
What I always encourage my clients to do is, if you feel like dating is something you must do to keep your head above water, to date away. Date away but don’t get into a new relationship.
As I said above, when going through a divorce you just don’t see or feel things. As a result, you could get into another relationship that causes you heartbreak and leaves you even worse off than you were during your marriage.
I got into a relationship within months of my husband leaving. At first, it was wonderful but then it fell apart — mostly because my divorce kept on interfering with our life and because I didn’t have the life skills to be in a new relationship after 20 years of marriage.
As the relationship fell apart, so did I, mentally and physically. Most notably I woke up one day with my face half-paralyzed. I had Bell’s Palsy. Research on Bell's Palsy shows how the stress I was feeling was all over my face. It was horrible.
So, don’t move too fast into a new relationship. It could only hold you back!
3. Take stock of what happened
Many people, once they get through a divorce, don’t take the time to pause and figure out what happened in their marriage. As a result, they make the same mistakes they made in their marriage.
In what way? They choose people who resemble their ex-spouse. They interact with them in ways that sabotage a relationship instead of building it, as noted in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy. They continue the toxic behaviors they displayed in their marriage. They continue to do what they have always done and hope things turn out differently this time around.
It is key that you stop and take the time to figure out not only what happened in your marriage or long-term relationship but also your role in it. You don’t want history to repeat itself. A large percentage of second marriages fail. Don’t let yours be one of them!
4. Let go of self-sabotaging negativity
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This is one of the most important things to do after a divorce — and the most difficult.
The key to finding happiness after a divorce is to let go of any anger and animosity you might feel towards your ex.
Holding on to anger is horrible for many reasons. It keeps you mired in the past. It carries an undercurrent of anger and hostility that can sabotage happiness. It can lead to not trusting people. Is unattractive to those it is shared with. And, it could ultimately cause physical problems. My mom held a grudge against my dad for decades — she died at 72 of pancreatic cancer.
So, work hard to not hold on to any anger you might have against your ex. And, as you work to let go of it, don’t subject random people, especially dates, to your vitriol. It won’t get you anywhere!
5. Be open to taking risks
No risk, no reward, right? For many people coming out the other side of divorce, the idea of taking risks is untenable.
Their self-confidence is shot. They are emotionally drained. They aren’t feeling very hopeful for the future. All of these things make some people want to curl up on the couch, eat ice cream, and indulge in lots and lots of reality TV.
While it is ok to do this for a while, don’t let it last for long.
After my divorce, I sold my 2000 sq. foot house in Vermont and got myself a little apartment on the Upper West Side in NYC. I put my stuff in storage and set off for my adventure. And I am glad I did.
While I didn’t find love in NYC (which I thought I would with the million-plus guys there) I did build my business, meet new people, and do exciting new things. It was the best 2.5 years of my life, to date — and now I am happily settled in Maine, having done something I always wanted to do at that turning point in my life.
Now, I am not saying you have to move to NYC after your divorce or big breakup. I am a big risk taker so it was easy for me. But pay attention to the life choices you make and make sure some of them make you a little bit nervous.
Doing so will allow you to truly feel alive again and help you find the happiness you seek.
6. Do the thing you have always wanted to do
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It’s interesting - marriage can make one’s life very small. Between jobs and kids and careers and extended family, the life we lived when were single seems like it’s gone forever. The risks and adventures, the trips and cultural events, the branching out and meeting new people are all put to the side as life goes on.
When you get divorced, you have a chance to open up that world again.
For years going to Peru had been on my bucket list but, because my life was small, I didn’t make it happen. Once I got divorced I was determined to make it happen. And I did. At 52, I hiked a 17,000-foot mountain and came down the other side to land at Machu Picchu. Not only did I widen my world but I felt darn good about myself doing it.
So, what is the thing you have always wanted to do? Do it!
7. Spend time with people who love you
When we come out the other side of bad breakups, often our self-confidence has been destroyed. We don’t feel good about ourselves and are perfect. We are happy to wallow in the feelings of self-hatred.
Let me tell you, just because you got divorced, you are not a bad person. You aren’t worthless. You are deserving of love. And, if you have a hard time believing me, ask those friends and family members who love you. They will tell you.
To find happiness again, it is key to spend time with people who love you, people who will remind you of your worth to the world, and all you have to give. If you are surrounded by this kind of unconditional love, it will help you believe in yourself again, and move confidently into the world.
8. Take care of yourself
I know - this one seems obvious but it must be included in any list of finding happiness after a divorce.
While the instinct to stay home and indulge in your depression might be tempting, I encourage you to do as little as possible. Studies have shown the positive effect of making sure you get outside and exercise. Sleep and eat well. Don’t spend hours stalking your ex on social media. Do things to feed your soul.
Getting off the couch seems impossible right now, but I promise if you do, you will be one step closer to finding the happiness you seek!
9. Get help
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Most people going through and getting past a divorce have never done so before. Sure they might have been through a breakup but not a divorce. As a result, they have no idea with they are doing.
I always encourage my clients to find some kind of support to get through this difficult time, as demonstrated in a study of post-divorce sibling support. Whether it’s a friend who has been through a divorce already, a therapist who can help you process your feelings or a life coach who can help you figure out the next steps (or all three), getting some kind of support as you navigate the treacherous waters of life during and after a divorce is essential to any future happiness!
I know many of these things might feel daunting right now, keep this list close so when you are ready, you know what you have to do.
I promise you can do it! If you do, you will find the life and the love you so much want to have!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life coach and mental health advocate. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.