7 Simple Ways To Cure Your Post-Breakup Restlessness
All you want to do is slump around and be crabby, but it's not helping you feel any better.
Nina Zeynep guler | Pexels Whether you did the breaking up or were broken up with, it’s the end of an era. Having to let go of hopes and dreams about the relationship can be devastating and having any hope for the future can be impossible.
I get it. I have been there. However, this breakup is just a period you have to go through. The pain will end. You just need to figure out how to ride it out in the meantime.
Seven ways ways to deal with restlessness, bitterness and angst after a breakup
1. Be careful with social media
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For many of my clients, when they are going through a breakup, they spend an incredible amount of time on social media trying to process what happened.
They go on TikTok or Instagram or whatever and find information they can to understand why they were broken up with or to help them justify doing the breaking up. There is a ton of information out there to suit their needs.
Unfortunately, there is so much information it is easy to go down a rabbit hole and never come back. I always encourage my clients to take one week and do this. To dig into whatever it is they need to dig into. And then, after 7 days, to stop.
Why? Because by focusing on what happened, in the past, they won’t be able to manage the anxiety they feel after a breakup. They will spend so much time focusing on it, processing it, talking about it with strangers, and comparing themselves to some nebulous person in a faraway place who might be totally different from them, they have no opportunity or motivation to move forward.
After a week, it’s time to go down another rabbit hole — how to move forward after your break up and build the life you want. There is a ton of inspirational information out there to support you. Research on perceptions of recovery after a breakup shows how positive support is the kind of support you want.
So, be careful about your social media use. You will be glad you did!
2. No contact and no stalking
This is so important. Maybe even more important than anything else. You must have no contact with your ex and you must absolutely not stalk them in any way.
I know the inclination to have “one more talk” with your ex (or accept their request for one more talk) for closure or whatever is powerful but interacting with your ex is only going to cause you more pain. Closure is just an excuse to be together one more time and hope things end differently.
Also, the temptation to look for your ex online, to see what they are doing and if they are happy and if they have moved on is one you must resist at all costs! You do not need to see how your ex is. They are your ex. I know whenever I google old exes, I regret it!
And remember, no one posts their bad stuff on social media so all you will see is your ex enjoying their life and won’t make you feel good.
Ideally, you would block your ex on your phone and social media because it will prevent any opportunities to reach out. Many people struggle to do this, however, and, more often than not, fall back into old patterns. All I can say is not having contact with them is the key to healing!
3. Consider past breakups
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I am guessing you had breakups in the past, yes? And was the pain you felt after the breakup intense? Yes?
Maybe you are thinking the pain wasn’t anywhere near as painful as your current pain but I can promise you it was — you just don’t remember. Our bodies don’t let us hold on to pain — it would be hard to live fully if you remembered all the pain you felt in the past.
Anyway, after past breakups you were probably in a lot of pain and you got over it! That is the thing to remember. You have suffered before and gotten through it, and you will get through this breakup as well.
Remember, there is always someone on the other side of a breakup. I know you might not believe it now but there is!
4. Spend time with people who love you
For many people who are struggling with stress like this after a breakup, they feel bad about themselves and they isolate themselves with Netflix and ice cream. And, while this is okay to do for a while, it is important you shut it down sooner than later.
Spending time with people who love you is exactly what you need right now. People who remind you how wonderful you are. People who make you laugh. People who have helped you ride out the hard times before.
You know who those people are — reach out to them.
5. Set a goal for yourself
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I remember when I went through a particularly bad breakup (with, silly me, a married man), after I cried for a while I picked myself up and decided I needed to live my life. I couldn’t let him stop me from doing what I wanted.
So I set my eye on doing two things — building my coaching business and hiking a 17,000-foot mountain in Peru. It took some time and some effort but I did both. And, in the process, not only did I distract myself from the pain I was feeling because I was so busy, but I also rewired my brain to think differently than I did when I was in the relationship.
Also, once I accomplished those goals I felt so incredibly good about myself! I knew I wouldn’t have done those things had I stayed in the toxic relationship. I knew I could accomplish anything if I put my mind to it, even if I was alone. (Which I wasn’t, for long)
6. Don’t play the victim
So many people, after a breakup, play the victim, as supported by research on the victim syndrome. They believe they did nothing wrong, their ex was a toxic person, and the cause of everything.
Your ex might have been a toxic person but they weren’t the cause of everything going wrong. There are two people in every relationship, and two people responsible for it breaking down.
Yes, perhaps your partner treated you badly, but did you let them for longer than you should have? Were you too scared to speak up for yourself and allow the abuse to continue? Did you ignore huge red flags, hoping everything would turn out OK?
No judgment here — we all do that. But the key is to remember you bear some responsibility for the breakup. Taking ownership of your part and being determined to do things differently next time will help you manage your anxiety after your breakup in a big way.
7. Take care of yourself
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This is one of the most obvious, and perhaps the hardest, things to do after a breakup is to take care of yourself! I know Netflix and ice cream are attractive but if you aren’t eating well, getting off the couch, or getting enough (or too much) sleep, your restless feelings will stay through the roof.
Spend a week or so, if you need to, mourning the end of the relationship but then get up off the couch and get outside. Take a walk. Go for a bike ride. Eat some healthy food. Get enough sleep. Whatever the magic pill is for you to help you feel better while you are getting through this difficult time!
I know it feels like managing your angst and restlessness after a breakup is next to impossible.
A study on attachment and breakups shows anxiety is hard to manage and when it’s paired with a broken heart it’s even harder. But it is possible to manage your this with a little effort and awareness and you can do it!
And remember, this period of pain will pass. It might not go away completely for a while. But every day you don’t have contact with your ex is a day you will be closer to healing. The way you are feeling now is not the way you will feel forever!
I promise!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.