Body Language Expert Says People With This One Trait Are Instantly More Likable
Being likable is entirely within your control.
Inside Creative House | Shutterstock Have you ever wondered why some people seem innately likable? Or why popularity just comes naturally to some, while others struggle to be liked at all?
Dr. Vanessa Van Edwards is a behavioral and body language expert and founder of "Science of People," which helps individuals gain science-backed skills to improve communication. She was recently guest on Steven Bartlett's podcast "The Diary of a CEO" where she discussed the surprising quality that makes someone likable.
The body language expert said that those who admire more people are instantly more likable themselves.
Van Edwards claimed that likability all comes down to how you perceive other people. If you are cynical and keep to yourself, for example, chances are you won't be all that popular. But if you admire others, you instantly become a more likable person.
Van Edwards referred to a study on popularity conducted by Dr. Van Sloan.
Looking at the traits of popular kids across different schools, Van Sloan uncovered something interesting — it wasn't intelligence, humor, or athleticism that made them popular. "The most popular kids had the longest list of people they liked," he concluded.
“When he looked at their day-to-day, they had micro-moments of liking. They would go down the hallway and be like, ‘Hey Chad, hey Chelsea, hey, Sarah,’” Van Edwards explained. “They liked so many people, that in turn, it made them more likable.”
While people often assume they must be the funniest, most athletic, or most fashionable person to be well-liked, Van Sloan's research proved that admiring others is far more effective.
Being likable is within your control.
Van Edwards admitted that in the past, she thought becoming likable was about improving or changing herself. "I was like, I better be impressive, I better be funny," she said. "But actually, what makes us likable is just liking as many people as possible."
"Being likable means you have to be [the] first liker," she continued. "If you set out to like more people, you become more likable."
Of course, that's easier said than done. You can't simply force yourself to like someone. Or can you? If you fall into the camp of people who dislike — or even hate — most people, Van Edwards suggested practicing "aggressively liking" people.
"Make them feel so liked that they begin to like you back," she advised. "That means that when you're with someone you should be constantly giving them verbal and non-verbal assurances of how much you want to like them." Then, she said, "watch them change. Watch your relationships transform."
She shared 3 'magic phrases for likability.'
People naturally gravitate towards those who make them feel seen and heard. So, if you want more people to find you more likable, you have to be willing to extend the same treatment to them!
Van Edwards shared three phrases that can help you do so, the first being "I was just thinking of you." If, when going about your life, a friend comes to mind, send them a text and let them know. Even better, she said, is if you refer to something specific that made you think of them, whether it's a movie, book, or anything else. It's a way of assuring the people in your life that you think of them when they aren't around.
The next phrase she highlighted was "You're always so [fill in the blank]."
"If you're with someone and you're impressed by them or they're interesting or they're funny, [say], 'You always make me laugh. You're always so interesting,'" Van Edwards gave as an example. "Giving them a label that is a positive label is the best gift you can give someone."
Lastly, she suggested the phrase "Last time we talked you mentioned [fill in the blank]." This shows that you listened to what they had to say and cared enough, not only to remember but to follow up. "Specifically bring up something that they lit up with," she added. "We are so honored when we get brain space."
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.