The Art Of Complaining: 8 Simple Ways To Effectively Complain Without Seeming Like A Karen

Do you ever wonder how to make your relationship even better? How to be happier, and how to avoid resentment and contempt? Learning effective communication skills is the answer. Complaining is good for your relationship, but not about every little thing. Not complaining and letting concerns build up does more harm than good. The longer you wait, the bigger the problem gets, and the more irrational you become.

So complaining is good, but it has to be done right. What is the difference between complaints and criticisms? Complaints are specific concerns about what a person is doing, whereas criticisms are global attacks on why on earth they would ever be doing it. What is your desired effect? Is it to improve your relationship or to make your partner feel bad or corrected? You have to want change in your relationship more than justice or revenge. When you are ready to make things better for both of you, it's time to dive in.

Here 8 simple ways to effectively complain without seeming like a Karen:

1. Be specific

woman who is effectively complaining by being specific bbernard / Shutterstock

It's not about everything your partner does wrong; it's about this one thing. Don't do the rapid-fire attack; this isn't Character Assassination 101. Stick with the one thing that is bothering you most right now and leave your partner's character intact (remember, you love that part).

2. Keep it current

woman who is effectively complaining by keeping it current Simplylove / Shutterstock

Stick with the present. Do you keep magazines on your coffee table from five, 10, or 20 years ago? Of course not, those are old issues. Exactly.

When you're addressing a problem, research stresses focusing exclusively on the current situation rather than bringing up past grievances or creating a list of historical complaints. Effective complainers understand that mixing current issues with past problems creates confusion about what you actually want resolved.

3. Report the facts, don't judge.

man who is effectively complaining by reporting the facts not judging Lucky Business / Shutterstock

Don't judge, report. And only the facts, please. Once you start making judgments, not only might you misjudge the "why" behind the behavior, but even if you're a little bit right when you say someone is lazy or inattentive, it's highly unlikely that it will bring the kind of change you're after.

4. Avoid absolutes like 'always' and 'never'

man who is effectively communicating by avoiding the absolute always f.t.Photographer / Shutterstock

You never help! You always duck out when there's work to be done! We're not going to rush right up to the counter and claim those attributes. Don't generalize and, instead, focus on the present: "I need your help with the groceries now."

Research on morality explained that absolute language is the quickest way to turn a legitimate complaint into an argument. The problem with absolutes is that they shift the focus away from solving the current issue and onto debating the validity of your characterization.

5. Ask, don't assume

woman who effectively complains by asking not assuming AlpakaVideo / Shutterstock

As much as the world would be a more perfect place if this were true, we aren't entitled to our partners being mind-reading geniuses who live for our every need. And we are not entitled to demand someone do something our way just because we think it's better or right.

We are, however, entitled to ask. It's different. Don't go in assuming that your way is the only right way. Explain why something matters to you. Logic, delivered calmly, often prevails.

6. Use kindness (and humor when you can)

woman who is effectively complaining by being kind and using humor PeopleImages / Shutterstock

Levity is another word for generosity. You are literally sharing a laugh. It might take an extra second to find the humor in a situation, but given the momentum and goodwill it creates, it's a great time-saver in the end.

The key is to laugh with people, never at them. Your humor should target the situation, not the person trying to help you.

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7. See it with compassion

woman who is effectively complaining by using compassion PeopleImages / Shutterstock

And maybe even let it go. Is there a method to your partner's madness? Does it drive you crazy how long he takes to choose a date-night restaurant?

Challenge yourself to find a good reason why. Is he so dedicated to your happiness that he doesn't want to disappoint you? Too hard on himself?

Hardly a crime. Accepting that, you may switch gears and seize the opportunity to read or do your nails while you're waiting, but if you decide you want him to be less thorough (i.e., faster), you'll go into that discussion with an open heart rather than an attack weapon.

8. Make requests, not demands

man effectively complaining by making requests not demands PeopleImages / Shutterstock

And get the handshake. How do you avoid becoming a nag? Don't lecture or make demands. That allows the other party to be passive and just hope you finish soon. Instead, come to an agreement.

An agreement takes two and starts with a conversation: "I'd like help with the dishes. Can you do that? When? Do you want my help remembering? Is there something else you'd rather do instead to pitch in?"

Without a two-way conversation, there is no commitment and no accountability. Don't think high emotional confrontation; think business meeting. Consequences if agreements are broken? Sure, if you like.

But the biggest consequence is weakening your relationship; if you're going to do business or anything else together, follow-through is a must. After more than 30 years of marriage, my husband and I have had our fair share of toilet seat lid and toothpaste-tube discussions.

But make no mistake. This is how we got here. Underneath these deceptively small details is the real deal. The motherlode. These complaints are really about respect: "Can you respect my preferences even if (or especially if) they don't matter to you?"

Respect is at the foundation of any relationship that is going to work, so the most fulfilling, healthy relationships are built on the brick and mortar of these ground-level concerns. No matter how lofty your aspirations in your relationship, no foundation, no go.

So next time you are unhappy with something in your relationship — pause and see the opportunity for these little complaints to do their work for you, or else... I may... be forced to ... No, no, no ... just kidding! You'll see just how much stronger your relationship becomes.

Tamar Chansky is a licensed psychologist, founder of the Children's and Adult Center for OCD and Anxiety, and author of several books.