3 Common Complaints That Make You Sound Rude Without Knowing It, Says Renowned Psychologist

Complaints are, by definition, confrontations, and as such, they're not fun for all concerned. However, they're also important tools for managing relationships, and they're very necessary. The problem is that most people are terrible at complaining effectively to loved ones.

When it comes to our complaining psychology, many of us are creating self-defeating prophecies. Indeed, once we've had poor results when voicing relational complaints, we're less likely to voice them going forward.

In order for a complaint to be effective, the outcome must be satisfactory, but more often than not, the conversation devolves into an angry and defensive battle that leaves everyone feeling short-changed and unheard. The inability to coherently and concisely express concerns to loved ones can be attributed to common mistakes that if avoided, can lead to a breakthrough between you and the people you love.

Here are three common complaints that make you sound rude without knowing it:

1. The gut complaint

Complaining before you think through what you want to achieve is rarely effective. Asking yourself, 'What realistic outcome am I looking for?' is something few people do before initiating the conversation.

2. The multiple complaint

Mistakes People Make When Complaining Nicoleta Ionescu / Shutterstock

We often launch our complaints in barrages. Doing so is likely to cause a bunker reaction (defend and avoid), not healthy communication.

3. The angry complaint

When you indulge in anger, you distract from your message. Raised voices and sharp tones might feel justified but they're not effective tactics (expressing your emotions calmly with words is best).

Here are 3 reasons people are so bad at voicing complaints:

1. The need to complain is at its strongest when we feel hurt, disappointed, frustrated, or angry.

When these emotions are sharp, they take away from our ability to be measured, and reasonable, and make us more likely to skip over the preparation required to plan out an effective complaint. Then when things go poorly, we become more convinced that it's not worth complaining.

2. Once we become reluctant to voice our complaints, we hold in all our dissatisfactions.

Eventually, our frustration bubbles over and we express way too many complaints at once or do so with too much anger, both of which lead to poor outcomes.

3. We feel helpless about getting the result we want so we express our feelings in passive-aggressive ways

This can be things like stonewalling or withholding, which make us feel even more disempowered and even less likely to voice complaints in the future. This creates patterns of unhealthy and, at times, toxic communication.

Here are 2 false assumptions that make our complaints less effective:

1. We believe we have to make the 'best' case by presenting multiple examples/instances of the same 'offense'

You might have a hundred examples, but you only need one to explain why you're complaining. Multiple examples feel like you're attacking character instead of behavior.

2. We believe that venting our feelings will make us feel relieved but that’s not necessarily true

Mistakes People Make When Complaining Timur Weber / Pexels

If venting your feelings causes an argument, you won't feel much relief. To feel relief, we need the other person to 'get' how we feel and communicate that to us. In other words, the active ingredient isn't in the venting it's in the emotional validation we hope to get by doing so.

The ‘complaint sandwich’ is a simple formula for complaining effectively to a loved one. The goal of the complaint sandwich is to get your complaint heard despite the natural defensiveness complaints trigger and also, to motivate the recipient to respond favorably to your 'ask' (which you should have after thinking through the outcome you'd like to achieve).

The first slice of bread in the ‘complaint sandwich’ is positivity. This is a positive statement called 'The Ear Opener'. Its goal is to lower the recipient's defensiveness and allow them to absorb the complaint and follow it.

The 'meat' of the ‘complaint sandwich’ is the concern itself. The ‘meat’ is the actual complaint or request for redress. It should be lean and kept to a single incident and single principle.

The second slice of bread in the ‘complaint sandwich’ inspires a good response from the recipient. This is a positive statement called 'The Digestive.'

Its goal is to increase the recipient's motivation to respond positively to our request (e.g., to give us an apology, agree to make efforts to change, be more mindful about the issue, etc.) by reassuring them that doing so will make things better between us and bring the issue to an end.

Here is a step-by-step illustration of how to make and use the 'complaint sandwich:'

Let's use the following complaint as an example: You were hanging out with another couple and your partner criticized your cooking 'jokingly' in front of them and it hurt your feelings.

1. When you're alone, tell them you'd like to discuss something

This gives them a heads-up that it's important and you want their full attention. Do not start the convo on the fly or when they're engaged in another task as you won't have their full attention.

2. The ‘ear opener’ needs to set the context and be positive

For example (A) "I like that we can joke around and tease each other about certain things," or (B) "I'm glad we're making friends with Sam and Robin--it's fun to hang out with other couples."

3. The ‘meat’ should be lean and simple

You could say, "But it didn't feel great when you joked about my cooking in front of Sam and Robin. My feelings were hurt, and I felt embarrassed," or, “But making that joke about my cooking in front of them made me uncomfortable."

4. The ‘digestive’ should include your 'ask' and reassurance

Mistakes People Make When Complaining KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA / Pexels

You communicate that if your partner agreed, you'd have no further complaints about this issue.

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You might tell them, “I know you didn't mean to hurt my feelings, so could we agree to keep that kind of joking between us going forward, and not criticize each other in front of other people?" or, “I know that wasn't your intention so to avoid a similar situation in the future, could we agree to not criticize one another in front of other people, even if it's something we joke about at home?"

5. Be prepared to listen

In addition to expressing your complaints, you have to be willing to hear any concerns they have that are relevant and valid and to address them.

6. Be prepared to redirect the conversation

if they voice a counter-complaint of their own and you have not finished stating your concerns, say, "I'm happy to discuss your complaint once we finish discussing mine. It'll be more productive if we finish one issue at a time."

7. Get a positive response to your ask

Hopefully, your complaint is met with a positive response, in which case, you should thank them and express appreciation for their willingness to listen and consider your request.

Guy Winch is a distinguished psychologist and acclaimed author. His work has been featured in The New York Times and Psychology Today.