4 Ways Introverts Can Be Better At Talking To People Without Having To Change Who They Are
Just because you're an introvert doesn't mean you have to be a bad conversationalist.
Josep Suria | Shutterstock When we think of someone being an introvert, we typically think of a person who is shy or quiet. However, there is more to it than that. Healthline’s Kimberly Holland and Crystal Raypole said, “Being introverted has to do with how you gather energy. You might be introverted if you’re energized by solo time and feel drained after prolonged social interactions.”
Because of this, you can’t necessarily change who you are and easily become an extrovert. But there are little things you can do to be better at talking to people while still maintaining the integrity of who you are. A content creator named Hannah King shared in a TikTok video that she was in this situation herself and has discovered ways she can be a “safe space” for others in conversations with time.
Here are four ways introverts can be better at talking to people without having to change who they are
1. Be the person to approach others first
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Hannah admitted that this may not come easily to everyone as it can lead to rejection and contradict the idea that you’re supposed to put yourself in a position of power. However, it has its advantages. “First of all, when your kid sees you approaching other people first, you’re showing your kid that you’re very confident, holding your own, having conversations, and you’re just a people person,” she said. “But also, you’re showing the person that you’re going up to that you’re just there to love them.”
Kendra Cherry, MSEd, noted that this is no easy feat for introverts, so it can be helpful to plan ahead. “Mentally review what you want to discuss and even consider practicing with a friend,” she said. “The first step toward becoming an amazing conversationalist is to be prepared.”
If you’re not entirely comfortable in social situations, walking up to someone and striking up a conversation can feel like the most impossible thing in the world. But it signals to the person you’re approaching that what they have to say is important to you and that you’re genuinely curious. Like Hannah said, it’s a sign of love.
2. Remember facts about others
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Hannah said she experienced this herself recently when someone in a leadership position made a point of repeating her name twice during their conversation so they would remember it clearly. “Remembering somebody’s birthday, their kids, the kids’ ages, the thing that they’re doing for a job or they’re passionate about, all of those show that when you bring that back up in a conversation, that you remember that about someone, that you … valued them,” she added.
Roni Beth Tower, PhD, ABPP, shared her own experience marrying a man who lived in France and who, therefore, did not celebrate the same holidays she did. When he realized how important they were to her, he began to observe them as she would in the U.S. “The remembering is the gift that is meaningful to me,” she insisted.
A lot of small factoids may seem unimportant or even irrelevant in the big picture. But if you want to show someone that you care about them and that what they have to say matters to you, actually remembering those facts will go a long way. Caring and exhibiting kindness is never a bad thing.
3. Don’t speak badly about people
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Hannah said that doing this is “hard because we live in a gossip-centered culture.” But fighting back is worth it, she argued. It shows that you not only respect others, but you respect yourself too. It also shows people that you’re not going to be gossiping about them when their back is the one that is turned. Basically, it allows people to trust you.
Hannah Rose, LCPC, explained that gossip doesn’t just hurt the person you’re talking about. Instead, it hurts you, too. “When we gossip, we are fertilizing our minds with toxicity and judgment,” she said. “We are much more likely to scrutinize ourselves when we are busy scrutinizing others. We are significantly more susceptible to self-centered fear and the obsessions that others are going to gossip about us.”
Gossiping might seem fun in the moment, but it doesn’t make you look good or trustworthy, for that matter. Hannah’s advice was all about making you look like the safe person to have a conversation with, and gossip basically does the exact opposite of that. Talking to and connecting with people is important, but gossiping is not the way to do it.
4. Leave the conversation on a high note
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“That means when you are exiting a conversation, always leave somebody with an affirmation,” Hannah said. This could be as simple as saying, “I’m really glad we talked about that. You are so wise, and you have good, insightful thoughts.” Or, perhaps, “When I see you, I feel so excited, and it makes me feel inspired.” This, she said, will prevent any wondering about whether you actually enjoyed the conversation or if it had value.
Penn State University noted, “Genuine compliments build relationships, improve communication, motivate people and boost one’s self-esteem and self-confidence … This is a very powerful mechanism for improving relationship cohesion and individual self-concept.” Giving someone a compliment may seem minor to you, but it can mean everything to them.
It’s good to let people know that you think a conversation was worth having. As Hannah said, this leaves no room for second-guessing. They will know you felt the value of that conversation in addition to their own individual value. There’s no greater gift you could give someone.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
