10 Subtle Traits Of Gossipy People Who Always Start Drama
They just can't help themselves from stirring the pot.
Wstockstudio | Shutterstock It's not always easy to pick gossipy people out of a crowd, especially if they spread gossip in an understated way. While some gossipy people send the message that they thrive on drama, others act like they're above drama, even though they're the ones stirring it up.
The subtle traits of gossipy people who always start drama become more obvious the closer you look. The way someone talks about other people when they're not around is a clear sign of whether or not they want to start drama. It's important to pay attention to how gossipy people treat others, so that you don't get caught up in their web of drama and deceit.
Here are 10 subtle traits of gossipy people who always start drama
1. They reveal people's secrets
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Gossipy people who always start drama are quick to reveal other people's secrets. They'll tell you how trustworthy they are, then turn around and share things you've told them in confidence. Gossipy people rely on gaining other people's trust, even when they don't plan on keeping it. They put up a facade of trustworthiness, so that people let their guards down and share private information, which they don't hesitate to tell.
According to personal development coach Moira Hutchison, listening is a key part of gaining people's trust. "When people feel like you are genuinely listening to what they're saying, they develop closeness to you and they feel comfortable in your presence," she explained, noting that showing genuine concern about people and approaching others from a place of kindness are also essential to gaining trust.
Yet Hutchison acknowledged that being kind doesn't always mean being trustworthy, revealing, "Kindness that is not genuine is often viewed negatively and can result in others being wary of you." Gossipy people who always start drama might pretend to be kind-hearted, but really, they use kindness and trust as tactics of manipulation.
2. They're quietly judgmental
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Another subtle trait of gossipy people who always start drama is being quietly judgmental. On some level, we all pass judgment, yet gossipy people tend to frame their personal opinions of others as the absolute truth, which means they don't often hold space for people to change or show who they really are over time.
Soul coach Carolyn Hidalgo shared, "Learning how to be less judgmental is a process that starts when you begin to pay attention to the judgments you're passing on to others." She explained, "When you judge someone you disagree with, especially, the energy is toxic to both the person judging and the person feeling judged. It's destructive and stops healthy discourse."
Hidalgo revealed that one way to be less judgmental is to take on a perspective of being a witness or an observer, which allows you to be "In the place of 'just noticing' as an observer to see the disagreement from a higher perspective."
"Everyone has a different capacity and level of consciousness to see, hear, and understand. And because of these differences, everyone is really doing their best in any situation," she concluded.
Gossipy people who always start drama usually lean into being judgmental, rather than trying to curb that impulse. Seeing themselves as superior to others gives them permission to spread gossip, which is what they thrive on.
3. They issue vague 'warnings' about people
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Gossipy people who always start drama have a tendency to share vague warnings about other people that aren't necessarily based in truth. When they find out that a friend is dating someone, they might tell them, "Just be careful around him," yet they don't offer any solid details about why. They place themselves in a position of power over others by dropping breadcrumbs about people, but they keep those warnings vague to ensure they still hold sway.
If you press them for more information, they'll play it cool and deflect your questions by changing the topic of conversation. And, according to licensed mental health counselor Natalie Buchwald, people tend to deflect for a variety of reasons, including fear of judgment or escaping vulnerability. However, sometimes, deflection is used to manipulate others.
Says Buchwald, "When deflection and gaslighting are used together, it can leave the targeted individual feeling confused and questioning their own reality, while the person using these tactics avoids responsibility and maintains control."
Gossipy people rely on holding your attention to feel empowered, which is why they often exaggerate the truth.
4. They don't share their personal information
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Gossipy people who enjoy drama don't share personal information about their own lives because they don't want it being used against them. They put up walls to keep people at a distance, which means they tend not to have any true friendships. They see relationships as transactional, focusing more on what people can give them than on creating actual connections.
They see the world from a warped perspective, believing that everyone else is as gossip-hungry as they are. For that reason, they don't open up to people in any real way, because they don't want anything they say to be used against them later.
5. They play both sides
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People who are gossipy tend to maintain alliances with people who don't get along with each other. They often act as a messenger between opposing social groups, leaking information that keeps the fires of conflict burning.
According to a research article in the European Journal of Social Psychology, gossip has a distinct social function. It increases the intimacy of social bonds and outlines the differences between in-groups and out-groups. Gossipers are more likely to share positive information about members of their own social group while revealing negative information about people outside of their group.
The article noted that people use gossip to boost their self-esteem and enhance their social standing, as "Gossip can be wielded as a weapon — altering the reputations of others in status‐enhancing ways."
Gossipy people have "informational power" over others, meaning that they decide to share or withhold crucial personal information. Yet ultimately, the researchers found that high-frequency gossipers were seen as less powerful and less likable than low-frequency gossipers. They also noted that negative gossipers were less liked than positive gossipers.
While spreading gossip might give people a jolt of power, it usually isn't long-lasting, and the negative implications of being a gossipy person who starts drama outweigh the positives.
6. They have a victim mentality
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Another subtle trait of gossipy people who always start drama is that they maintain a victim mentality whenever someone calls them out for being gossipy. If they're confronted about their penchant for starting drama, they frame themselves as the ones who are being treated poorly. They often say that no one understands them, or they make generalized, sweeping statements about how other people are against them.
They believe they're the true victims. They think their "enemies" are out to get them, rather than acknowledging that spreading rumors about other people is bully behavior. As trauma therapist Nancy Carbone pointed out, "Nothing you say will help someone with a self-defeatist attitude, but there is some unhealthy pleasure they derive from seeking sympathy while being in crisis as a form of attention-seeking behavior... It's not your job to rescue negative people who do not want to save themselves."
7. They pretend to be concerned about others
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Gossipy, drama-driven people often pretend to be concerned about other people's well-being when they aren't actually concerned at all. They disguise gossip as expressing how worried they are about someone, saying things like, "I feel so bad for Madison, did you hear what her boyfriend did?"
They ask gently probing questions about other people's problems. They fake being empathic so people will share what they're going through, and then, they use that information against them.
A study from Frontiers in Psychology looked at both the "bright" and "dark" sides of gossip, noting that gossiping is usually seen as a negative behavior, even though it's very widespread. Gossip tends to have detrimental emotional consequences, as it decreases trust and a sense of psychological safety. The researchers referenced a previous study, which found that 73% of participants recalled gossip they had heard about themselves, either from the recipient or learning it accidentally.
Gossipy people tend not to care when people's feelings are hurt, since they prioritize drama over emotions.
8. They're inconsistently loyal
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Gossipy people tend to have a widespread social network, but they're not particularly close with anyone. It might appear as though they fit in with the popular crowd, but in reality, they have only a few friends, because they easily discard people who don't provide the drama they need to fuel their habit for gossip. They form alliances, rather than true friendships. They might be loyal to one group, only to switch their loyalties when it gives them an advantage over other people.
A research paper from the Journal of Applied Social Psychology explained that gossip is often viewed as a self-serving behavior whose sole purpose is to manipulate people and influence them in a malicious way.
When gossip is used to extend the reach of a person's power or to damage someone else's reputation, it's classified as indirect aggression. The authors noted that indirect aggression is related to relationship aggression, which they defined as "Covert aggressive behavior that is intended to harm someone by damaging or manipulating his or her relationships with others."
Gossipy people who always start drama usually don't have the best intentions. They tend not to care how their gossipy behavior impacts other people, and they usually display a lack of empathy and compassion when they're confronted about spreading rumors. They do whatever it takes to stay on top, which is why they base their loyalty off who can give them what they need.
9. They shift blame
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People who always start drama and thrive in it don't take accountability for the negative consequences of their actions. Instead, they find someone else to pin blame on, which usually starts even more drama.
Even if they understand that being gossipy hurts people, it's highly unlikely that they'll own up to their poor behavior. On the off-chance that they apologize, it's usually a fake apology, designed to keep the blame off them. They might say, "I'm sorry you feel that way," which isn't a truly heart-felt apology.
Blame-shifting is just one more way that gossipy people ignite drama and keep fanning the flames.
10. They overshare about other people
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Gossipy individuals overshare about other people's lives, even when they don't have explicit permission to do so. They insert themselves into conflicts and conversations that have nothing to do with them, so that they can gather juicy details about other people.
They might preface their gossip by saying, "You didn't hear this from me," or any other phrase that offers them some protection from the information being traced back to them. Gossipy people who always start drama revel in the less-savory parts of people's lives. They constantly cross boundaries by oversharing and they ultimately don't care if they ruin people's lives in pursuit of drama.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.