Couples Therapist Says There Are Only 3 Situations That He’d Suggest People Break Up
He claims that 90% of the time relationships can be salvaged — except in these 3 cases.
Tony Frost | Unsplash Couples fight. It’s inevitable in relationships. However, how do you determine when it’s time to put in the hard work or call it quits?
Couples therapist Dr. Jon Dabach, who insists that relationships can be salvaged 90% of the time if there isn’t any physical or emotional abuse, shared three scenarios where he believes that breaking up is the only choice.
A couple's therapist detailed the three situations he'd recommend couples break up instead of trying to resolve their differences:
1. Disagreements when it comes to having kids
According to Dr. Dabach, couples will experience challenging phases that are totally reconcilable. However, when one partner wants children and the other doesn’t, it is not just a phase.
“This is an area where you should not hold out hope that someone will change their mind because there’s a biological clock to contend with,” he said.
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If you and your partner are serious with one another, it is better to bring up the kid question sooner rather than later.
"I’ve worked with clients where Partner A changed their mind because they didn’t want to lose the relationship, but then years later they ended up breaking up anyway because Partner A just couldn’t bring themselves to follow through on having children," Anita Chlipala, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist told Verywell Mind.
If you know that your partner wants kids and you don’t, or you want kids and they don’t, it is important to have a discussion about it, rather than leaving the issue on the backburner, only to be brokenhearted later down the road.
2. Repeated infidelity with no remorse
Dr. Dabach said that when trust is broken consistently and there is no genuine effort to rebuild from one or both partners, the relationship is already over. When a partner is unfaithful, even just once, it’s nearly impossible to fully trust them again. Even if the partner is forgiven and they change against all odds, the relationship will never be what it once was.
It is even more toxic when a partner cheats multiple times. This demonstrates that they are unremorseful and are willing to hurt their partners again and again.
According to Sheri Stritof, writing for Verywell Mind, getting back together with a partner who cheated is a crucial decision where one should really ask themselves the following questions: Do they show sincere remorse? Are they apologizing honestly? Are they refraining from making excuses for their actions? Do they recognize the pain they cause? If the answers are mostly no, it’s time to walk away.
3. Deep incompatibility in values
“When fundamental beliefs and life goals clash, such as wanting to live in two different countries or two very different religions, it creates an unbridgeable divide that erodes connection,” Dr. Dabach said.
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Even if partners may deeply love each other and the connection is there, they have their own set of personal values and goals that may not align with their partners. They may want to travel the world while their partner does not. They may believe very strongly in a certain political ideology while their partner despises it.
Sometimes, love isn’t enough. Shared values and beliefs are a crucial part of relationships and without them, a relationship won’t survive.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.