Why You Should Never Wish Your Ex A Happy Birthday If You Want Them Back, According To A Relationship Coach
You need to give them time to miss you.
LightField Studios |Shutterstock Anyone who's been through a breakup knows it is not an easy process to navigate. When you still have feelings for that person, it takes a lot of willpower to refrain from reaching out to them on holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays. However, going no contact with an ex you are still in love with may just work out in your favor, and they might be the ones crawling back to you.
One relationship coach is advising those who are yearning to get back with their exes to avoid reaching out to them on their birthdays if they want to get back together with them.
According to a relationship coach, you shouldn’t text your ex on their birthday if you're hoping to reconcile.
Coach Pearl, a relationship coach helping people navigate heartbreak, shared on TikTok that going no contact with your ex who dumped you will give them time to miss you and even reconsider their decision.
“The reason why many exes do regret their decision of breaking up with you when you go into no contact is because going into no contact allows an ex to experience what it's like to lose you,” she said. “Your ex no longer has all of the advantages that you provided for them in the relationship, and so an ex can only really miss you once you're fully gone.”
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According to Pearl, your ex will really feel your absence on days they expect to hear from you, like a birthday, especially if you were together for years and spent many holidays together.
“You always made it special for your ex, and your ex is going to be expecting a reach out and they can feel disappointed when you don't,” she explained. “The more you end up detaching and moving on and letting go from your ex, the more attractive you become to your ex.”
“I know that it's very scary to not reach out to an ex on their birthday and you might be thinking, ‘Well what if my ex just gives up and they say well, you're no longer interested so I might just as well stop,'" she added, "But that's not the case. If an ex feels hurt that you didn't reach out on their birthday and feels hurt that you're not any more interested in them, they're gonna wanna reach out. They know the ball is in their court.”
While going no contact with your ex is not a guaranteed way to get them back, it may make them realize that their life was better with you in it.
"I don’t recommend going 'no contact' as a strategy to win an ex back, as it can keep someone hopeful and in denial, rather than focusing on healing and moving forward," Amy Chan, a dating coach and author of "Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart” told USA Today.
"However, if no contact is implemented, it’s possible that the ex might start to miss the relationship and experience a sense of withdrawal due to the absence of dopamine, oxytocin and other feel-good chemicals that the relationship once provided."
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When days like their birthday roll around, your ex will likely be expecting to hear from you if you are constantly checking in on them. If not, they will wonder if you’ve truly moved on, and may feel the urge to contact you to find out.
Continuing to reach out to your ex hinders your own healing journey.
If you’re often texting or calling your ex, you may be clinging to an idealized version of the past rather than allowing yourself to move forward.
“It is normal to feel upset, sad, anxious, hopeless, helpless and confused following a breakup,” explained Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D. “You may also find yourself reminiscing about your relationship and going over the breakup.” That's all the more reason to avoid contacting them. It's too easy to fall back into your feelings if you allow yourself access to the person who broke your heart.
After a breakup, it is time to focus on yourself. Continuing to focus on your ex can divert your energy from what truly matters, which is your own personal growth and healing. You cannot force your ex to feel the same way as you. The best way you can celebrate their birthday is by prioritizing yourself.
Megan Quinn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in English and a minor in Creative Writing. She covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on justice in the workplace, personal relationships, parenting debates, and the human experience.