Parent Questions If They’re Wrong For Refusing To Give Up The Aisle Seat Of A Church Pew To Elderly Couple
Is not giving up the aisle seat an etiquette issue, or understandable?
Gorodenkoff | Shutterstock Etiquette is a hard thing to keep up with. You try to do what’s right and polite, but it's challenging to keep track of all of the societal rules and faux pas that exist.
After a confrontation at church, one parent was left questioning if they unknowingly breached proper etiquette.
The parent asked an etiquette expert if they were wrong to not give up the aisle seat of a church pew.
Judith Martin is known as “Miss Manners” to readers of NJ.com. The columnist recently received an interesting question regarding proper protocol at church.
“My child’s choir held a concert at a large, historic church,” the reader who wrote into “Miss Manners” began. “I arrived early and took a seat on the center aisle, where I would have the best view of the singers.”
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For this parent, that wasn’t the end of the story. "A short time later, an older couple arrived and asked to share my pew. I stood up to allow them to enter," they wrote. "The gentleman indicated that I should go ahead of them, to which I replied that I would like to stay on the aisle. They seemed taken aback and walked off to find other seats."
“Does etiquette dictate that those arriving first to an event held in a church must always move to the middle of the pew?” they asked. “Or, as I thought, is it equally polite to stand and allow others to enter?”
‘Miss Manners’ responded as one might expect, but also added a bit of perspective for the parent.
Unsurprisingly, “Miss Manners” informed this parent that they had done nothing inherently wrong. “You acted politely within the facts you describe,” she wrote.
She did, however, have more to say. “Before anyone condemns the elderly couple, Miss Manners will also commend you on a second point: not tackling them in the aisle,” she stated.
Martin explained that there were a variety of reasons that the elderly couple could have been trying to take the aisle seats that would have been understandable. “Perhaps they are regular parishioners who sit in these seats every Sunday and had, mistakenly, come to think of them as theirs,” she offered. “Perhaps they have a disability issue and therefore wanted you to move aside — but omitted the necessary politeness of asking you to do so.”
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Still, “Miss Manners” assured the parent they did nothing wrong. “If either of these things had been true, your staying put would still not have been impolite,” she said. “But perhaps their surprise at your refusal to relocate would not have rankled as much, had you known their reasons for asking.”
Despite ‘Miss Manners’ decisive take on the issue, other sources were more ambiguous.
While “Miss Manners” asserted that there was nothing wrong with this parent’s actions, other experts felt differently. For example, writing for America Magazine, Jack Bentz, S.J., wrote about what to do when in the same situation at a Catholic Mass. He suggested that moving to the middle of the pew if you’re single or a childless couple would actually be the most polite thing to do.
Still, the parent chose the aisle seat in order to get a better view of their child in the choir. That is completely understandable!
Perhaps there is no one right answer to this parent’s quandary. Or, maybe moving over really wouldn’t have been that big of a deal.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.