Son Asks How To Stop His Widowed Mom From Moving Abroad To Pursue A Romance Because He Needs Her To Babysit
His mom is not required to serve as an unpaid nanny for the rest of her life.
fizkes | Shutterstock While it's certainly admirable when grandparents help care for their grandchildren, it's ultimately not their responsibility. Unfortunately, one man is struggling to accept that reality.
In a recent letter to Slate's "Care and Feeding" column, the man, who signed his letter "Moving Away," lamented that his mother planned to move abroad, leaving him without free childcare.
The son asked how to stop his widowed mom from moving abroad to pursue a romance because he needs her to babysit.
"The cost of child care in our city is more than most people’s rent," the man began his letter. "We couldn’t afford for either my wife or me to stay home when we had our son and were very thankful when my widowed mother volunteered."
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They expected his mom to care for their son indefinitely, and were shocked when she announced that she would be moving to England to "pursue an old romantic flame" when her grandson went to preschool.
"They had been talking on Facebook and video chatting for months and she never once mentioned it to us," he admitted. "At first, we thought it was a scam, but my mother showed us she had talked with her lawyer and financial advisor. This former (and future) boyfriend is real enough."
The man and his wife believe his mother is 'abandoning' them by moving.
When his mom told them of her plans, he and his wife were far from supportive. "My wife got very upset because we had been trying for another baby for a while. She asked my mother why she was abandoning us when we were counting on her," he recounted.
Understandably, his mother was hurt by their reaction. She had already given years of her life to help raise her grandson — not to mention her own child before that. Her help surely provided the parents with peace of mind and financial relief, yet she is not obligated to provide this service forever.
"My mother got cross and told my wife that she was allowed to live her own life and not be used as an 'unpaid nanny' by us for the rest of her life," he wrote.
Still, the man and his wife struggled to see her point of view. "I have tried talking to my mother but it is like talking to a wall. She thinks she 'deserves an adventure' and even if the romance doesn’t work out she will regret not even trying. I don’t understand."
His mother has every right to live her own life.
The man clearly feels entitled to his mother's presence, which surely comes from a place of love. But she is a human, beyond a mother and a grandmother. She has goals and dreams just like anyone else, and she has every right to pursue them — even if it means moving away from her son.
"Older people, like your mom, are people, too," Slate columnist Rebecca Onion wrote in response. "Just because, after your dad died, she moved near you and intertwined her life with yours, that doesn’t mean that she was never, ever going to make another change — that her life was over."
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"Your mom spent, I’m guessing, three or four years at home with the first baby, giving him good home care all the way through preschool. That’s a gift from her that’s worth literally thousands of dollars, and uncountably more when it comes to peace of mind," she continued. "If you both just plain assumed that she’d stick around and do the same for any future babies you have — an open-ended commitment of her time — I think she’s correct to feel a bit like she’s being taken for granted."
Onion further suggested that part of his frustration may have to do with his mom's intention to start a new romance after the death of his father.
At the end of the day, he must make peace with his mother's decision.
He can't stop his mom from moving to England, nor should he. As difficult as it may be, he should attempt to be supportive of his mother's decision — and maybe he'll get a trip to England out of it!
"I think you have to be graceful here, let her do what she wants (because really, how would you stop her?), and prepare to pay for a nanny or day care for your new one," Onion advised. "Who knows? England may not work out. You should keep your relationship with her, so that she feels like she can move back near you and count on your support, if that’s the way the biscuit crumbles."
Family relationships are often tested when personal desires conflict with responsibilities. While the man may feel abandoned by his mother's decision, she has every right to seek happiness in life, and he should try his best to be a supportive son, just as she has clearly been a supportive mother.
Erika Ryan is a writer working on her bachelor's degree in Journalism. She is based in Florida and covers relationships, psychology, self-help, and human interest topics.